Behind the Bastards

There’s a reason the History Channel has produced hundreds of documentaries about Hitler but only a few about Dwight D. Eisenhower. Bad guys (and gals) are eternally fascinating. Behind the Bastards dives in past the Cliffs Notes of the worst humans in history and exposes the bizarre realities of their lives. Listeners will learn about the young adult novels that helped Hitler form his monstrous ideology, the founder of Blackwater’s insane quest to build his own Air Force, the bizarre lives of the sons and daughters of dictators and Saddam Hussein’s side career as a trashy romance novelist.

Part Two: The Last Days of L. Ron Hubbard

Part Two: The Last Days of L. Ron Hubbard

Thu, 06 Jun 2019 10:00

Part Two: The Last Days of L. Ron Hubbard

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Hello, I'm Erica Kelly from the podcast Southern Fried True crime, and if you want to go from podcast fan to podcast host, do what I did and check out spreaker from iheart. I was working in accounting and hating it. Then after just 18 months of podcasting with Spreaker, I was able to quit my day job. Follow your podcasting dreams, let's break or handle the hosting, creation, distribution, and monetization of your podcast. Go to That's Wanna say I don't know less? Listen to stuff you should know more. Join host Josh and Chuck on the podcast packed with fascinating discussions about science, history, pop culture and more episodes. Dive into topics like was the lost, city of Atlantis Real? And how does pizza work? Say goodbye to I don't know. Because after listening to stuff you should know you will listen to stuff you should know on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of family secrets. I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of family secrets. With over 25 million downloads, the importance of both telling and hearing secrets is apparent, and I am so excited to share 10 astonishing news stories with you. This is our best season yet. Listen and subscribe to family secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. What's again? El running my Hubbards. It's Part 2. Ron Hubbard's death episodes, my guests as with last time, Abe Epperson, Michael Swaim, none of you will have noticed the joke in that, but I pointed to the wrong person. It did not translate visually. Another thing that's not going to translate visually is me getting ready the next product I'm going to throw during this episode. I'm tired of the bagels. So Robert took out his big knife and now he's stabbing a plastic of a. Many, many Kleenex boxes. He pulled one off. I'm gonna be throwing Kleenex boxes. I'm gonna throw the first one. Yeah, man, it went to the window right between us. Right between to the windows and to the walls. Yeah. And if you know the rest of that song, you know why we need so much Kleenex? Yeah, we got a 10 pack is dragging A10 pack of throwing. It is a lot of cleaning. That is a lot of cleaning. We'll throw all of them by the end of this episode. I thought you were gonna pop open one of those bad boys and throw individual Kleenex, but that's not as impactful. That does not have the impact of throwing a whole box of. Is it important to you that the box be filled with Kleenex or could have just be a box with a similar weight? I think I'm just going to throw a lot of stuff over the course of the rest of my career. Understood? I I like. I like tossing. I like throwing. Both good things, both fun. Get some salads in here for you. I would love to toss them. So hello everyone, on their early morning commute. Welcome to Robert and the pig. And the other pig. It's your drive times too. You know what I hate? Drivetime zoo. Ohh, another joke, yeah. That was a good one. Sophie, who cleans up in here? Is it me? Ohh, it's you. It's Sophie. Well, she's got a sad face. We've already established the joke, so this is gonna keep happening. And there's no way to stop it. I can't. I can't over exaggerate her lack of enthusiasm. So far you've picked pretty easy things to clean up when it evolves to throwing confetti this Christmas, I'm just going to throw ornaments, shatter them against the walls. Just push flats everywhere, pushpins everywhere. Like a home alone that you bullet made. Just whatever. Just bullets. Just awesome. I think someone who's barefoot so much of the time wouldn't want to scatter pointy things around the ground, but OK, let's get those houses. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. You know what else is fine? L Ron Hubbard's career. I disagree. I can't wait. This is just fine. Yeah, I might agree with that by the end. Of course it's fine. I mean, now you do a quite a lot of directing on your own, so I think you might pick up some tips. And I'm going to learn from the master my next set. Oh, it's going to be bad because this is a master class, right? This is a master class. Right? Now, everyone who listens to this episode will be qualified to direct a Hollywood production. Yes. It just takes this much uncovered film scene. Separate Post school fight behind the best. It really does only take that much if you also have millions and millions of dollars. Like literally infinite money. Her life on the run is not good for anyone's health. Despite his vast wealth and the opulent surroundings of the La Quinta ranch, where he hid out in Southern California, by early 1977, Hubbard's lifestyle was catching up with him again. Anne Rosenblum, who trained to be a messenger during this. Was horrified by his appearance when she first met him. Quote The first night I was there, I didn't talk to LRH since he was busy, but I saw him. He had long, reddish Gray hair down past his shoulders, rotting teeth, and a really fat gut. He didn't look anything like his pictures. The next day I met him. He was doing exercises in his courtyard and called me over. I was nervous. Meeting him, I was really surprised that I didn't feel this electric something or other that I was told happens when you are around him. So these were in the last days before the FBI dragnet closed down around Mary Sue Hubbard and all of L Ron's people with the Guardian's office. And Mary Sue became extra protective of her husband during this. Her dogs, which were said to be clear, guarded him at all times. If they barked at you, it was a sign that you were secretly committing crimes against the Hubbards or had done so in a past life. That's not going to stoke his paranoia any time the dog barks that mailman is an agent. Who opposes the church? What happens when the dog barks at him? Yeah, or I don't think the dogs stay around if they bark at him. Yeah, they just have new dogs on deck. That dog Toy is a suppressive person. Who knew now? Ron continued to innovate his tech during this. His main interest was the purification rundown, which he viewed as a cure for drug addiction. This was an evolution of Hubbard's UK vitamin treatment, which we talked about during the first three parter. Today, the purification Rundown is a popular. Scientology treatment that involves massive doses of vitamins. In a sweat lodge in Oklahoma, it killed four people over the course of three years. Hubbard developed this treatment based on what he believed, with the effects of LSD on the body. According to Jim Dent Kalki, one of a Hilbert's longtime helpers quote, all the information came from one person who had taken LSD once. That was how he did his research. What's it like? It's pretty chill, dude. Alright, it's going in the ****. This is my **** right here. Honestly, it was good. Now, Hubbard became convinced that the Purification rundown was going to cure all of the world's drug addictions. He decided this achievement had clearly earned him a Nobel Prize, and he wrote out an order to his PR officer authorizing the expenditure of unlimited funds to win him the Nobel Prize. He so clearly deserved this. He he didn't. He didn't get a Nobel. That's kind of hard to bribe, guys. Can't say that it's cannon. I do think, you know if the listeners of this podcast want to get me a Nobel Prize, I will do drugs off of it. That's what I was. Would you rather get a Nobel Prize for stopping all drug use you personally? Or just have listeners send you some drugs. Oh, I would. I would rather get the Nobel Prize. OK, I've got a blacksmith. So I take the Nobel Prize to my blacksmith and have it forged into a crack pipe. And then I would begin smoking peace pipe. Except it's if you want to see me throwing some stuff, you give me some crack in a Nobel Peace pipe. Yes. As well, I think the Nobel Peace Prize and you know where that cash prize is all going to be spent? Yeah, under a bridge, filling up that pipe. You're going to get shivved for your golden pipe. So that's gone. Yeah, that's what happens under bridges. It's it's not going to be great now. Transferred from La Quinta to a Hive hideout in Sparks, NV. After the FBI crashed down on Operation Snow White. All contact with the Guardian's office and the Hubbard family was suspended, and LRH relied on his child messengers to deliver his words to and from church leadership. On May 25th, 1977, Star Wars launched to a world of unsuspecting moviegoers. Here we go. It made conservatively all the money and changed both Hollywood and the world forever. Now, I don't know if L Ron Hubbard ever actually saw Star Wars. I kind of doubt it, because he was a horrible narcissist. Probably never read or watched anyone else's science fiction, right? But it's possible. I know he read a lot of Harlan Ellison, who's my favorite sci-fi. He definitely, yeah. We're like personal friends. And I guess, you know, you feel the guilt or like you have to, but you imagine the one person who could get along with L Ron Hubbard. Of course it's Harlan Ellison. It's just weird that if you. Yeah, he seems to really like sci-fi. How could you resist? It's it's hard to like. I don't know if he ever saw it, but he definitely paid attention to its financial success. From July to December of 1977, while hiding out in Sparks, NV, he worked feverishly on the screenplay for a feature film, revolt in the Stars. This was a dramatization of one of the Star Wars. Yeah, it's a war that does occur in the stars. Yeah, yeah, it's Star Wars, if you will. This was a dramatization of one of the highest level Scientology training courses, the OT 3 information, or operating thetans. Gonna give that **** away? Yeah, you had to pay 100 grand for that. There's actually some weird stuff regarding that which we'll get to here. So the rough plot was that an evil space dictator Xenu murdered 76 planets worth of aliens, sucked in their frozen goats to earth and blew them up with nuclear bomb strapped to volcanoes. Frozen. Such a great word choice. Solar water vapor, jesticles, and they all have swords. Yeah, you can freeze a gorged in Mordor. Oh my God. I just figured out how we can solve global warming. All right? People least likely to believe in global warming are also probably going to be the most superstitious people in the country. So most like, I'm going to guess global warming deniers also have a high tendency to believe in magical thinking. You convince them that if the ice caps melt, all of the ghosts will be freed. I think. They have a plan. Then we got a problem and then we got a plan and we got, we got a cool down the world to keep the ghosts frozen. Yes. Dictators need to never stop doing whatever drug they did as a child, right. And there are ghosts in the North Pole. They're ghosts in the North Pole. And they will kill us if we don't freeze them. These are the myths of our time that we need to embrace that will help us. It's like that I saw a post where someone, some anti vaxxer, was talking about how you can actually make vaccines safe if you rub a potato on the vaccine injection site and it's like, yeah, OK. Just tell him. Tell him. Tell him that it works. Yeah. Vaccinate your kids and rub them with potatoes. Right? Just release all of Dan Ackroyd's books. Yeah. 10 years later, the potato flew decimates the population of North America hot potatoes. That will be the last Fox News chyron before everyone dies, potatoes are too hot potato and the round is over. Ohboy potato versus ghost. Now, if you paid attention to anything I've said about L Ron Hubbard over the last five hours or so of podcast about the ****** you know that he's literally incapable of giving up on any single idea he ever had. Now y'all remember Excalibur, the book Hubbard claimed to have written in 1938 that he said was so profound it caused people to commit suicide instantly after reading it would be locked away from. I know the words his caliber from is that. Well, yeah, it's like the Monty Python, the funniest joke that you can't see. But with psychology, yeah, philosophy, you go mad or right. Would that be good? That's not a feather in your cap. You're like this guy read my book and committed suicide right after. I think that means it's super good. I kind of want that Comic Con panel we have today at George RR Martin and the guy who wrote the book that makes everyone kill themselves. Name is Elle. So 40 years after his claims about Excalibur started, Hubbard made the same claims about the OT three course materials. Scientologists weren't exposed to the Xenu story until they were several years and thousands of dollars into the religion already. That's because according to Hubbard, learning the story of Xenu would cause death in a matter of days. According to Tony Ortega, a former Scientologist who's now an activist against the church. Quote if we follow his logic, his intention in writing it was to produce a film that, if shown to the world, would kill off all the non OT three-part of the population. Ohio, man. Genocide. The biblical flood. Yeah. For everyone who's not hasn't paid me enough money to be at this level, he's gonna make a movie to kill everybody. He's gonna make a ******* passion of the Ron. I'm firmly convinced. And of course, there's no way to prove that at every step. A large chunk of him knows that, and it's probably the thing you're most proud of. Look at how I built a billion dollar empire on nothing. I'm proud of that. So I don't think he wrote it. Thinking this will kill everyone, but it's still every detail of his life is better if you assume he believed his own ******** is. Yeah, I think he started to at a certain point. You don't know how you don't mix it up. You don't make the kids search for gold for months on on like cramped sailing vessels if you don't really believe they might find some. And some of the paranoid **** he did, you're like, well, that's not fabricated. He's really grappling with paranoia. He's definitely paranoid, I imagine. Like little. Little Ron. Yeah. Like going to the ice cream truck and like, say, saying to the guy selling the ice cream, like, you know that popsicles are ghosts. And he goes, really? Yeah. He's like, Oh my God, that worked. I know what my life is. Oh God, I do like to think about, like, what would happen if this movie was made and did what Hubbard said it would do. And like everyone who watched it killed themselves because he would have conversations with you. Friends would be like, you know, there's that new movie that makes everybody kill themselves. You want to go. I kind of do, actually, I do kind of. I like, I love life, but also I have the AMC MoviePass. I gotta use it on something to use it on something and I am dying to know the details. Anymore and you just watched the murder movie also. What a weird experience if you came into the room late and everyone is dead, but there's one person and you're like, you, you're in OT 3 and Scientology. I did not know that. And they're like, I know, I'm sorry. So another thing that Ortega notes in his article about revolt in the stars is that John Travolta is still to this day expressing a desire to make the movie into a major Hollywood production, which may mean that John Travolta secretly wants to commit mass planetary. At the very least, he knows that fact. Yeah, the idea that John Travolta is trying to wipe out all life on Earth. That's not Scientology is now my favorite conspiracy theory, right? Yeah. I also believe that now, probably thanks to the popularity of this podcast, some group of nerds who I will love forever, forever will find this and shoot it on their phones and send it to us. Shoot, ******** pants the 40%, please make the movie that kills everyone. So he just thought of the ring. Yeah, the ring. But for everyone. For everyone. Yeah. And and just just as as sort of future payment to whoever does shoot revolt in the stars, I'm going to throw another box of Kleenex. Little tip #3 that's a Scientology thing, right? Yep, I think so. Ortega apparently read through the script for revolt among the stars, which I think you can find if you really look for it, and he summed up its plot this way. Quote in the script Hubbard wrote for the movie The character Raoul, clearly based on Hubbard himself, takes on the might of various 2 dimensional characters with single syllable names Chi and Min, who have wandered out of an episode of Flash Gordon. The screenplay apparently ends on these lines, as the evils he knew was strapped into a prison inside of one of the volcanoes he previously bombed to murder space. This wedding has dry, cracked lips. Xenu looked up at the doctor, some terror showing in his glazed eyes. These devices keep one alive forever. Don't talk, snap the doctor. A guard stepped forward. Don't talk to the prisoner. Despairing, Zinu rolled his eyes. How long is forever? No one answered. No one knew. Well, yeah, what? What? What? **** you even talking about? I mean, it sounds like I've been to film school. There's quite a bit of scripts that are, uh, suspicious of this type of writing. By the way, when your movie revolt among the stars comes out, everyone's going to refer to it as rats, so good luck with that. Hubbard's dream was to make the movie himself an ad George Lucas to his list of accomplishments alongside aviation pioneer, Treasure Hunter profit and surprisingly good at sex. This gradually expanded into a desire to add a whole film production wing to the Church of Scientology. The Sina Org A10 acre ranch around La Quinta was purchased code named Monroe and turned into housing for the production staff for L Ron Hubbard's new film company, Slash Cult. The studio was built on a 140 acre grapefruit farm that the church also purchased. How do you give notes when you're in a call? Like if everyone acting in and producing it is on set, there are no notes. Yeah, you do what he tells you. I think the sets a little, a little gaudy right now. That's suppressive dude. That's suppressive. Kills everyone though. Like does the screenplay just, like, paralyze them or is it the like, what stage is the magic like? Kill yourself. Well, all of these people are O T3, so they can so they can do whatever they want. I bet his plan was to do the opposite. Let the movie come out, no one dies, and then say, see, you're all Scientologist so you don't even know it and you got to pay me 40 grand. 40 chess. I see it. Now, yeah, so they they they buy several different giant ranches to add to the already giant ranch and turned into a film production studio. Now, according to the book Bare faced, Messiah, quote lights, dollies, cameras, and a vast range of technical equipment were all moved into the new studio. Hubbard took to wearing a cowboy hat, suspenders, and a bandana, which he imagined gave him an artistic mean appropriate to a film director. The Senate org was to cut its teeth making simple promotional films illustrating various situations in which Scientology could be used beneficially, Hubbard wrote. All the scripts and knew exactly what he wanted. Constantly biting into a raw grapefruit. He just carries it all times. Throwing grapefruit. This is like he's hunter as Thompson right now. He is. Hunter would be shooting at people, right? Yeah. Hunter would have absolutely shot at people. Yeah. But he's he's using cameras. So Hubbard knew what he wanted but found out that it was. It's really hard to make movies. Like, it's kind of a difficult thing to do. And so his first productions did not all go well. Now, some of this had to do with the fact that the random assortment of people who'd. On the Church of Scientology, compelling did not all possess the incredibly specific technical know how necessary to make films. Now, I want to note that this had been true of L Ron Hubbard's Navy too, and they've sort of faked it until they made it. But it turns out that the same strategy does not work with moviemaking, thus answering forever the age-old question. Is it harder to captain a boat or man a boom mic? It's harder to man a boom mic. Apparently easier. Easier to get random people to be part of a Navy? Well, there's no, because you can drop depth charges and say you hit. Something that's fine when you're shooting a movie, if you don't get the scene, it's not in the foot. It's not. Listen to it and say this is ****** sound. So the church put out a call to any members of the faith who had even vaguely relevant experience in the film industry. The best they could do was Adele and Ernie Hartwell, Championship ballroom dancers who had taken a few courses and were told that the Sina Org would be their path into the Scientology elite. They were not impressed upon their arrival to the Senate Org, Ernie later recalled. I was absolutely shocked to see everyone running around in shorts, ragged clothes, dirty and unkempt. They put us in a little three room shack on the edge of the ranch. We go inside and what a mess. The place was overrun with bugs and insects, Adele said. About the main thing I disliked was that when we first got there, we were programmed on the lies we had to tell. If we ran into one of our friends, we had to tell a lie to them and say that we were just there for a vacation. We were schooled on how to get away from process servers, FBI agents, and any government officials or any policeman who want anything to do with Albert. Welcome to our production company. Here's what you say to the FBI. I bet just it being in California, there's a fair chance some of these people probably would have gone to film school if they weren't broke from spending all their money on the Church of Scientology. They came from everywhere though. Sure, he just moved them to like you had you just had to go wherever you but they have all the money. Send some people to film school if you know what a great voices were squashed out by Elron Hubbard's movie making enterprise. Hey, I want to see these cult peoples movies. I do desperately want to see these cult. People's movies. You know what else I wanna see or at least listen to the fine products and services that have advertised on our show and or program. Oh, I love those. I want to see them, but kind of fingers crossed the side. I'll just close my eyes and imagine, yeah, our ads are randomly generated a lot of the time, so it is possible the Church of Scientology will advertise. If so, I'm actually fine with that. If they if they advertise on this episode totally down. I'm not. I'm OK with it. I don't know if if if listening through all this. An ad for the Church of Scientology makes you decide, you know what? Yes, this is for me. You clicked on this and you're like, but the ad really resonated. Yeah. Alright, product. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless starting at just 15 bucks a month. And now for the plot twist. Nope, there isn't one. Mint Mobile just has premium wireless from 15 bucks a month. 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Hey, it's Rick Schwartz, one of your hosts for San Diego Zoo's Amazing Wildlife podcast. In this special episode, we sit down with Doctor Jane Goodall to hear her inspiring thoughts on how we can create a better future for humans, animals and the environment. If we don't help them find ways of making a living without destroying the environment, we can't save chimps, forests or anything else. And that becomes very clear when you look at poverty around the world. If you're living in poverty, you can't afford to ask as we can. Did this product harm the environment? Was it cruel to animals, like, was it factory farmed? Is it cheap because of unfair wages paid to people? And so alleviating poverty is tremendously important. Listen to amazing wildlife on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. So by now we imagine that you've seen the theories on Tik T.O.K. You maybe even heard the rumors from your friends and loved ones. But are any of the stories about government conspiracies and cover ups actually true? The answer is surprisingly or unsurprisingly, yes. For more than a decade, we here at stuff they don't want you to know have been seeking answers to these questions, sometimes their answers that people would rather us not explore. Now we're sharing this research with you for the first time ever in a book format, you can pre-order stuff they don't want you to know now. It's the new book from us, the creators of the podcast and video series. You can turn back now or read the stuff they don't want you to know. Available for pre-order now, it's stuff you should read or wherever you find your favorite books. We're back, and Sophie is actually leaving the room. She's about to open the door, which is bad for sound quality, but good for what I like to call cinema verite, a term I invented for podcasts. Being true, we're really peeling back the podcasting curtain here. You invented that term, the term loosely affiliated with podcasts. That's the word cinema and curtain. Well, you know our the main goal when you make a podcast is to just broadcast to everyone else that yes, you should also have a podcast. You should have a podcast till every there's as many podcasts as there are people. I want there to be twice as many podcasts as people, and until there are, I will continue to throw cleaners. I laughed, but it hit me in the throat. Yeah, well, you know what they say about throats, Michael. Products and services. It's the laziest part of the body. That's true. All right, we're back. Well, here's peristalsis. But so L Ron Hubbard, auteur director, was still desperately afraid of being brought in by a surprise police raid. A souped up Dodge Dart with a full tank of gas, was kept on standby 24/7 outside of his production facility. **** it and run car. The director has a like, I feel like everything you've said so far is applicable only to L Ron Hubbard or Roman Polanski every day. Put a Philly cheese steak on the dashboard and replace it the next day. I might have to go at any moment. And he's like, you know, curse to me that we should just have a table of disguises. They literally did all right, all right now. I don't know if any of y'all are aware of this, but auteur directors are not known to be mentally healthy people at the best of times. Oh, Ron Hubbard might have given a guy like Stanley Kubrick a run for his money in the crazy pants category. Stanley Kubrick finished movies, though he did finish movies. Adele first met Hubbard when she was working in the wardrobe department and heard him start to scream at a group of his underlings. Quote This is a quote of Hubbard directing, so pay attention. You dirty *** **** **** ** *******. You're so *** **** stupid. **** you, you **** *******. It seemed to go on for several minutes. I had something in my hand and it fell to the floor. I said, who in the world is that? They said it was the boss. We weren't allowed to use the name Hubbard for security reasons. You mean the leader of the church speaks like that? I asked. Oh yes, was the reply. He doesn't believe in keeping anything back. Yeah, this is straight out of the book of a USC school of Cinematic Arts. Actually, you got damn sense of *******. Sales first big job was make up assistant on a Hubbard flick called the Unfathomable Man. It was a modest project covering the entire history of the human race from the beginning of time to the modern era, through the eyes of a L Ron Hubbard. I'm sorry, this is a great time. You can't even think of it. What's the first thing you think? Well, he's a man. Well, I can think of a man. You know you can't. He's not this guy. Adelle's recollections make it sound rather surprisingly, like the Sam Raimi flick quote. Did he ever like those films to be bloody? It was enough to make you sick. We'd be shooting a scene and all of a sudden he'd yell stop, make it more gory. We'd go running out on the set and with all this karo syrup and food coloring, and we just dump it all over the actors. Then we'd foam some more and he'd stop, stop it again and say it's still not gory enough. Then we throw more blood. Well, he's competing with the Bible, so he's kind of matches. Every religion needs to match a certain level of gore just to keep our interest him at monitor. And when they nail, like, how much blood he just. Yes, yeah, this will bring Scientology to the masses. OK, now pour some blood on me. OK, now we can continue. Get the disguise. The movie included a scene where an FBI office was bombed. This was understandably L Ron Hubbard's favorite party jerked off. Imagine he grew a little over enthusiastic and had so much blood dumped on his actors that they're clothing stuck to their bodies, and had to be cut off by the wardrobe people. Hubbard made-up for his general lack of knowledge of how to make movies by being an incredibly persnickety *******. According to Bare faced Messiah quote, when the Senate org was shooting in the studio, all the sets had to be cleaned and scrubbed with special soap every morning before Hubbard arrived, and the messengers would go around with white gloves to assure it had been done properly. Hubbard had a director's chair that no one else was allowed to sit in, and as he was walking around the set, a messenger would follow close behind him. Ready to put the chair underneath him if he chose to sit down? One unfortunate girl got the positioning wrong by a few inches and as a Commodore sat down in the chair on the floor. Yes, it's slapstick comedy until you learn they're like she was swiftly beaten. Yeah, she was. She was put in Scientology's prison. Real is it? Yeah, it's real. She was tortured. Yeah. You know, well, it's worth it if the work stands up to the test. That's why we have an Academy Award for cleanest set. That's very key to filmmaking. Wait, is it really? No. And all this smack says Nobel Peace Prize material. I just love that he's like, you know, directing a movie. You keep the set clean, you place the chairs correctly, you have a lot of blood. Movies. Movies. Now, the numerous stories that Hubbard tried to film all had grand narratives, usually starting at the very beginning of galactic history. One film, the problems of life, was about a young couple who felt their existence lacked meaning. They asked for advice from a psychiatrist who was played as a violently insane person. The next asked help from a scientist who is also violently insane. Then they found a Scientologist who was a perfect being of pure contentment. Kima Douglas, an artist and Scientologist who spent time with Hubbard during this. Noted quote. The trouble was that he wanted to make movies that would take over Hollywood, but they were terrible. Really terrible. The crew would have to do scenes over and over again before he was satisfied. Occasionally the day would end up with a fine, well done everyone, but more often there were tantrums and he'd storm off the set screaming that it had better be right tomorrow. Ron Hubbard. Fix it, fix it. We do it better. How to fix more or more beatings for you all? I've gotta go have sex surprisingly adroitly. This better be a movie when I get back. All the while, as I'll Ron Hubbard painstakingly acquired roughly the amount of expertise one would receive in the first semester of film school, he was raising money to make revolt in the Stars a reality. He succeeded in putting together millions of dollars to make the film and funneled it through a production company called a brilliant film company. Tragically, Hubbard was as bad at running a production company as he was at everything that wasn't infiltrating the federal government. A brilliant film company went bankrupt, and revolt in the stars was never more than a few costumes in an unbelievably bad screenplay. I'd still pay a lot. You see those costs play a lot of those costumes. Someone's got those costumes, you know? Someone's got they. They are like religious art, like artifacts now, right? There's a Church of Scientology where there's a case like you'd see an Arclight and they're like, it's that thing we never made. And they all still have the blood on them, and it's still unsure of whether or not it's the fake blood or the real blood from the beatings from and when they cut them out of the clothes. Yeah, just stabbed them. Yeah. You know, there were some scissors accidents on set. In late 1978, a few days after Mary Sue Hubbard and ten other top Scientologists were indicted for their rampant crimes, L Ron Hubbard collapsed while filming a very stupid movie in 120 degree heat. He recovered, but it had become abundantly clear to everyone that the ranch in Southern California and the strenuous life of an auteur film director were not suited for the ailing old man. Now, during this time, L Ron Hubbard continued to receive regular auditing sessions. His auditor was a fellow named Mao, and Mao grew increasingly unsettled about the revelations he received from the Great Prophet of Scientology. As he recovered from heat stroke quote from Mayo, he revealed things about himself in his past which absolutely contradicted what we've been told about him. He wasn't taking any great risk because I was a loyal and trusted subject and had a duty to keep such things confidential. It wasn't just what I discovered about his past. I didn't care where he was born or that he what he had done in the war. It didn't mean a thing to me. I wasn't a loyal Scientologist because he had an illustrious. Or record. What worried me is that when I saw things he did and heard statements he made that showed his intentions were different from what they appeared to be. When I was with him, messengers often arrived with suitcases full of money, wads of $100 bills. Yet he had always said and written that he never received a penny from Scientology who had asked to see it. The messenger would open the case and he'd gloat over it for a bit before it was put away in a safe in his bedroom. He didn't really spend much. I guess it was getaway money. I didn't mind the idea of him having money or being rich. I thought he had done tremendous wonders and should be well paid for it. But why did he have to lie about it? I slowly began to realize that he wasn't acting for the public. Or for the benefit of mankind. It might have started out like that, but it was no longer so. One day we were all talking about the price of gold or something like that, and he said to me very emphatically that he was obsessed by an insatiable lust for money and power. I'll never forget it. Those were his exact words, an insatiable lust for money and power. Yeah, yeah. Jesus, yeah. Also because if you're at that level where you're hit, the boss is auditor. You must have already been exposed repeatedly to the fact that the purpose of auditing is not to keep it confidential. The purpose of auditing is to have dirt on people. I don't know how this guy didn't walk away with a portion of the gold is what I'm getting at. He may have. The bus? Yeah. Yeah, I have a recording now. You idiot. You die, old idiot. I think the guy you put in that job is the guy you know is never going to betray you, right? Yeah, he didn't while Hubbard was alive. Eventually, it seems like he came clear. I'm sure it was a process, so all the pieces didn't align. But hearing this quote now, like, if you felt this way, then you could have walked away with a chunk of that gold. Probably could have walked away with one of those suitcases of dirty $100 bills. Because if there's anything, Hubbard's going to respond to it. Blackmail? Yeah, yeah. After a couple of months of convalescence, Hubbard was healthy enough to get back to directing movies. Naturally. He made his auditor an actor quote. He walked around with an electric bullhorn, yelling orders through it. Even if he, the person, was only a few feet away, the crew were in a constant state of fear. He'd say he wanted a certain set built, and describe it. Everyone would work in a frenzied state to get it done, often through the night, not stopping for meals when praying it would be right, and that they would not get into trouble. When he arrived to begin shooting the he invariably decided he didn't like it. It had been altered. He wanted it blue, not green. Some of the crew would be sent to RPF Scientology prison, and others would be sent running around trying to find some blue paint. Then he'd want to know why it was blue and not yellow. Have you seen the the Star Wars Documentary Empire Dreams, where he can't pronounce his own Gungans? Gungans? Gungans? George, you wrote this. Yes, it's like poetry. It rhymes. There's a weird synergy in the fact. Did you hear about the plot? Lucas released details of the plot he was going to do if he had done 7-8 and nine, and it involved tiny creatures that live in your blood called the wills. He loves tiny creatures living in your tiny little magic books. Yeah, we're like, they are the same. Lucas, now that he is officially, I guess, traded Star Wars, two quote white slavers, not totally inaccurate description of the Disney Corporation. It doesn't mean that one of them is on the right side. Yeah, I think for the good of everyone, he may as well buckle down and make revolt among the stars. I think Lucas is the man to do it. He isn't. He's the only man to do it. He's the only man to finally make revolt among the stars. Reality I'm holding checkoffs. Kleenex box in the right illustrate another point about filmmaking, which is that you should always throw Kleenex at the walls. Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like a bullhorn. As Chekov tools go, that one didn't stretch the tension out, but it did not. It did not. I didn't go to film school. And the code don't let that stop you. I just, we got five more of these kleenexes that I gotta toss, and I'm starting to realize I may not have that much anger. So some of some of these tosses are going to be less impactful than the others. Sorry, just where we are right now. Can't not toss them. They can be sad Kleenex. Tossing boxes. Sad Kleenex. All right, let's get back to the thing. Here's Mayo again, talking about L Ron Hubbard as a director and being an actor under him. Quote. When I was trying to be an actor, I'd have to do the same line over and over again. It was never right. It was too loud, too quiet, too intense, not intense enough. Then he'd scream. Why aren't you doing it enthusiastically? He'd end up stamping off screaming that it was all impossible and that no one would do what he said. One of the main reasons why he got sick, I think, was that he had so many failures and so much frustration and upset over the movies. Everyone was tiptoeing around waiting for explosions. So yeah, because this man is someone who just tells people how he wants the world to be, and it just happens. And in filmmaking they have to, like, create it for themselves. They have to act. It's the one thing, like, he gets through his whole life doing that basically, right? And it works with his private. Navy. But it can't work with filmmaking, which is fast for the audience to think the movies entertaining. Yeah, you have to make an entertaining movie. Yeah. Nor can you get the thing that's in your head absolutely perfect every time, like by every performer. So, so. But also as an actor, I mean, come off in mail. I had to say the line a bunch of times. That's that's the process of acting for film. You get the feeling though, that it was like literally for days at a time sometimes. And it was like he would just say more enthusiastically. That's like, he doesn't know how to direct you. Like, he's not sitting down like, like, look, let me walk you through your motivation. You have to understand why it's wrong. He was just shouting. No, it's not right. For an example of very basic rule of directing is it's widely frowned upon to just say do this emotion like, that's the most basic directory. I also love that. But notes, yeah, his notes are basically go in a direction, go in the opposite direction, like these ambiguous definitions of what he wants. That sounds real clear to me. That sounds like a guy with vision. If only he had been a YouTube personality and just said **** it, I will be all the parts and I will shoot this in my room. He would be a huge hit on YouTube if he were alive and younger today for sure that that would be he would own that place. He would be one of those channels you end up on when you're 3. Clicks away from a decent good God fearing video and he would be convincing. Watch and I'm just gonna guess here, convincing millions that the Holocaust didn't happen. Yeah, you see that kind of cultism and tribalism and like Twitch streamers and stuff, it's pretty real. So good at Twitch. Twitch it would be incredible. Now, I do want to note as we as we get to this point that that I think the story like the fact that L Ron Hubbard finally failed when he tried to stumble into filmmaking is proof of something important, which is that. The US Navy and all navies are a bunch of Pansy, waste, little, little, little wuss factories. And Hollywood is where **** really gets done, so suck on it. ******* aircraft carrier wimps. We got our prop guns. We're pretty. We're pretty close to the ocean right now, so I'm a little nervous. What do you what are they gonna do? They can't make a movie. That's what this proves. Well, we've also. Thank you, Don Hubbard. So, yeah, take it. Coast Guard ******* movies is what's hard. That's the real that's the message here, not these. These people have their cushy wars. Yeah, they're easy jobs on submarines. What's hard is movies. Yeah, well, that's what we can all agree is what we do is the most important best, the most important and the most difficult job. I would like to see anyone in the *** **** Navy toss a ******* Kleenex box. See, I expect you to grab that Kleenex box and you grab that one so now you have to go to jail. Now that work. Fun fact, all of Hollywood's like Dolly industry. The things that move cameras in space kind of thing that was all adopted from Navy technology for putting bombs into planes. We've been reverse infiltrated by some Navy mouthpiece. Navy you're in the pocket of Big Navy, aren't you? Give me the name crucially different from Old Navy. Sorry, Navy, I'm not really that sorry. It's fun. You've got boats. You're fine. Now. Eventually, the stress of running the Senate, Oregon, dealing with the brutal California desert climate, as well as his growing fear that the FBI was closing in on him, forced L Ron Hubbard to make what would become his very last move to a tiny farming town called Hemet, CA. Boy spent lots of time. Camping. Camping? Yeah, well, around Hemet area. I love camping. And you know what else I love? No products. Oh, services every time. Just those two things. No other room for love in my life, boy. Just product and service comedian. The rule of three is not being fulfilled. Is going to just kill me this whole break. Well, too bad I could not going to help you. Elements. I hope by chance you gotta come. I really. I hope. I hope it's a condom in it too. Groupers, peanut butter and Jelly, and condiments. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless starting at just 15 bucks a month. And now for the plot twist. Nope, there isn't one. Mint Mobile just has premium wireless from 15 bucks a month. There's no trapping you into a two year contract. You're opening the bill to find all these nuts fees. There's no luring you in with free subscriptions or streaming services that you'll forget to cancel and then be charged full price for none of that. For anyone who hates their phone Bill, Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for just $15.00 a month. Mint Mobile will give you the best rate whether you're buying one or for a family and at Mint. Family start at 2 lines. All plans come with unlimited talk and text, plus high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. 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And then we'll come to the sort of healthy world that I envision as a good future for us. And the rest of life on this planet. Listen to amazing wildlife on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. So by now we imagine that you've seen the theories on Tik T.O.K. You maybe even heard the rumors, your friends and loved ones. But are any of the stories about government conspiracies and cover ups actually true? The answer is surprisingly or unsurprisingly, yes. For more than a decade, we here at stuff they don't want you to know have been seeking answers to these questions. Sometimes there are answers that people would rather us not explore. Now we're sharing this research with you. For the first time ever in a book format, you can preorder stuff they don't want you to know. Now it's the new book from us, the creators of the podcast and video series. You can turn back now or read the stuff they don't want you to know. Available for pre-order now, it's stuff you should read or wherever you find your favorite books. We're back. OL Ron Hubbard moved to Hemet, CA in secret. His location was known only to a handful of people within the church. For the next six years, the number of people hovered, interacted with regularly. Wouldn't be enough to make up two full baseball teams or basketball teams, whichever one smaller. Think it's five people on basketball, right? Well, there's on the court. On the court. There's more people in baseball teams. There's more people in baseball teams. That's also way more people than I know. Yeah, exactly. Curling team. The curling team. Now this life of seclusion and hiding out from justice suited Ron well. According to Bare faced Messiah quote, although he occasionally threw his food across the room when he believed the cook was trying to poison him, by and large he was better tempered than he had been when he was trying to make movies. He usually got up about midday, audited himself for an hour, and then dealt with whatever correspondence the messengers had decided he should see. In the afternoons he devoted several hours to taping lectures in mixing suitable background music. In the evenings he watched television and reminisced to a small but always attentive audience. Did you say mixing? Yeah, so he spent all day. Making playlists and yeah, yeah, yeah, he he probably would have edited his own podcast. That's a good, harmless old man. Yes, I do. That's fine. Better. Cute massiah. You know, it's better than torturing people in your prison when they don't act right. So filmmaking was the. That's really what cracked the chestnut. Yeah, really opened him up to, you know what? I'm just going to chill out. I also can't believe he doesn't have someone tasting his food ahead of time. At this point, I just assumed he'd have the whole royal, like, Groom of the stool to wipe his. Last yeah, royal food taster to keep the poison out, right. I want to know what tips him. Yeah, but if he's got a royal food taster doesn't get to throw his food across the room. Throwing boxes like you have Kleenex boxes. Well, I do have tossing food. Yeah, you make a plate for yourself on a plate to toss. I throw food at Sophie when things aren't the way that I. Robert is filling a Kleenex box with food. He's just shoving it full of food. That's going to be tough to clean up. When Sophie gets back, we only have 3 left. We'll leave it for her. We'll leave it for her. She loves it. Yeah. David Mayo was member of Hubbard's small, attentive audience in the nights. He recalled many evenings with a Commodore, playing hillbilly songs on his guitar and lying about the years he'd spent as a troubadour in Appalachia. I think he was making up the songs as he went along. Afterwards everyone clapped. Yes, I desperately want to hear some of L Ron Hubbard's and provide. Live? Yeah, there's no replacement there. There's nothing that could have possibly YouTube channel. Yeah, unplugged pretending to be a hillbilly singing random songs. Ohhh hey yo will not sex help me out? He was coming to get you. On the days when he went into town, Hubbard would wear a variety of absurd disguises, a baseball cap with fake hair sewn onto it, stage makeup to alter the shape of his face, normal false eyebrows, and sideburns. Hubbard was convinced he looked like a local. No one else thought this. Thankfully, the Internet did not exist, and so no one in him it recognized him either. For six years, Hubbard's location was kept perfectly secret from the law, the government, and even his own wife and children. Gradually, he pared down the number of Scientologists allowed to be around him, David Miskovich, his former messenger, and also, at one point, the cameraman. Was often the only person in direct contact with L Ron Hubbard. Do you know if he worked on the movies? Oh yeah. Yeah. That's what he was doing. He was. Yeah. OK, like that's part of being the guy. Anything. I need cameraman. Hey, guy, who used to be like a production messenger, you know you're a camera man. Yeah. Later if you could beat some other guys up in a room, I guess you can have this now. What happened with. Later, yeah, he needs his own episode. He needs his own 3 parter. Probably. To be honest now, Hubbard did continue sending letters to David Mayo, his beloved auditor. Mayo recalls these letters growing more and more unhinged as the months turned into years of isolation. Quote in the first paragraph of one letter, he said something like, you might think I've gone crazy, but I'm still OK, just believe what I say is true. I remember thinking, God, whatever is coming must be pretty weird. It was called me Mad said on the outside of the envelope. It was real, demented stuff, berating psychiatrists and claiming they were the root of all evil, not just on this planet but since time immemorial. He had it figured out that back at the beginning of the universe created evil on a particular star system. When I read through it, I thought, my God, he is crazy. He can exhort me to think he's not crazy, but this letter belies it. I thought it was like I had to say, **** is crazy. So it's like, yeah, this is kind of crazy because, like, who made the scientists? Who. Yeah. Yeah. Psychiatry or scientist invented evil in the beginning of time. I was always going to be, it's always going to be the beginning of time. I wish we could know his, that origin of that. I feel like he must have at some point in his life had one therapy session where he went, yeah, I'm a little blue. And they were like, you're a ***** ** ****. He was like, well, I hate this. I hate psychiatry. Like, who hurt you, little Elrod? I will say that his hatred of psychiatrists is more proof that, like, as a man, even though he didn't spend that much time here, he was the living embodiment of Los Angeles. Like, like this city in a single man touch with all realities. Yeah, completely and very hungry for power. Yeah, yeah. Kind of a terrible place to live. It's so specific and consistent. Like it rubbed off on Tom Cruise. He did that appearance where he famously was. Psychiatry is evil that it's such a core. Tenant and I don't know of any other religion that's like also the Lord sayeth screw chiropractors, we hate them. So no, Buddhism is really anti chiropractic. The poem Ozymandias, where it's like cause Los Angeles itself is kind of a testament to that. They're like, let's make a metropolis. Where? In the desert. Yeah. And that's where you don't make 20 million people there. Yeah. How do we, how do we plan for this? Don't plan. We'll make it up as planning. OK, but we should at least have a network of trams and trolleys and no one car for every person. How do we get water? We just steal it from this other state. Now take it from north. People now everyone attends feeling alienated and isolated by the plight of modern man. Will they should pay us because we can fix that. Cures what ails you? Yeah, now. By 1982, Lafayette Ron Hubbard's letters to David Mayo revealed a growing obsession with death. The Commodore was 71 years old, in poor health, and as crazy as a bat on acid. Hubbard was still canny enough to know that he had exactly 1 great achievement left in him. L Ron Hubbard was going to write the greatest science fiction series of all time. The first entry in the new saga would be Battlefield Earth saga of the year 3000. To him typing Firefly pilot. What are you telling me? That's why there's only one season. Yeah, Hubbard did not publish a sci-fi story in more than 30 years. At that point, Battlefield Earth was a sprawling 800 page epic. He declared it the longest science fiction book ever written, which might actually have been true at the time. I really have no idea what that is. That's not a determiner. Most of it that is believable. Because one thing all around Hubbard can do is write incredibly long books and never edit them. Not for a second. This is his finnigan's wake. Yeah, and as a side, if I short story buff, just for the record, all of his short stories are mediocre. Like he wasn't an amazing sci-fi short. He was an adequate adequate. A book that had 40 of them for a penny, and that's what entertainment was. He was like a mediocre Netflix series that you put like, that's what his science fiction was. Because like those, those little like magazines that would be full of stories were like Netflix. Some of them you get some Arthur C Clarks and it's like Bojack Horseman or whatever, and it's brilliant. And a lot of them are L Ron Hubbard, which is like the cake topping show or whatever were almost always like Flash Gordon. Like he never had a grand sci-fi concept. He put a cowboy in space and had do cool ****. Yeah. This is heresy, yeah. I looked out the window and I've gone clear. Don't say that about El Ron, hubby El Ron. So the plot of Battlefield Earth was as dumb as it was ****** Johnny good boy Tyler, the protagonist, was one of the last human beings on Earth. After an alien invasion destroyed civilization and the 1000 years since, mankind regressed to a feral Stone Age level of development. While the evil aliens who now ruled the world mined it for its resources, Hubbard's ego demanded that Battlefield Earth be an instant hit. Thankfully, he had the resources of one of the world's wealthiest. Adults at his beck and call the Church of Scientology bought 50,000 copies of the book at launch and also poured 1,000,000 into a PR campaign aimed at making it go viral. Scientologists were ordered to buy two or three copies each at minimum. Battlefield Earth was just the prelude to Mission Earth, a 1.2 million word epic Hubbard intended to release in 10 parts. Yeah, 1.2 million words that has been written. Oh yeah, OK. Or I was like, was he like, pointing at the stands calling his shot? Yeah, the sequel. By the way, 1.2. He he did that and then wrote it and then did it, yeah. Like for some, for some reference, I think Lord of the Rings trilogy at the top that has about 400,000 words total, something somewhere in that ballpark. And you entirety of the so 3 Lord of the Rings trilogies. Yeah, yeah. We never think about how much *** **** time this guy spent in front of a typewriter. He that's one thing that is not a lot, right? He wrote like ******* crazy. At the end it just says Screw Flanders over and over. So Hubbard actually wrote this monstrosity, or at least dictated it, to someone else we don't really know, but tragically he did not live to see it released in its entirety. On January 19th, 1986, L Ron Hubbard sent out his last command Flag Order number 3879, the Sea Org and its future. In this order, the Commodore promoted himself to Admiral, published a glossy photo of himself in a new uniform, and about five days later died. He did not die alone, but he was not surrounded by his friends or family either. His doctor and lawyer were the only ones present. Everything about his death was handled with the utmost secrecy, but the church could not stop the coroner from looking at the body. The inquest found it bandage on his right **** cheek covering 10 fresh needle marks. It also found traces of hydroxyzine in his blood. The drug is most often prescribed as an anti anxiety and anti neurotic medication, in other words a psychiatric medication. The church steadfastly rejected the idea that L Ron Hubbard had died with psychiatric medicine in his system. They claimed that he took the medication as an antihistamine. Which sure. Guys, yeah, absolutely. His **** gets famously congested but gets real congested. Ron Hubbard was having antihistamine. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And a phone interview with the San Luis Obispo New Times. Church spokesman Tommy Davis insisted he didn't take it as a psychiatric medication. That's all. It's one of those things that anti Scientologists want to make an issue about. And we're like, yeah, whatever. And emphasize the anger. Tommy Davis experience like expressed to the newspaper. I'm going to throw another one of these. Yeah. They were all going like, he abused millions of people and we're like, as if. Whatever, whatever the rank and file of Scientology were informed of their prophets. Death, death. Three days later, on January 27th, David Miskovich addressed 1800 Scientologists at the Hollywood Palladium Theatre. He told them this. At 2000 hours Friday 24th January 1986, L Ron Hubbard discarded the body he had used in this lifetime for 74 years, 10 months and 11 days. The body he had used to facilitate his existence in this universe had ceased to be useful and in fact had become an impediment to the work he now must do outside its confines. The being we knew was L Ron Hubbard still exists. Although you may feel grief, understand that he did not and does not know. He simply moved on to his next step. LRH in fact used this lifetime and body we knew to accomplish what no man has ever accomplished. He unlocked the mysteries of life. Would give us the tools so we could free ourselves and our fellow man. Wow. PS He did some self auditing and he found out he's even better than he thought he was. So he's an Admiral. Admiral now. I could not think of the hudsucker. Right. You know this the hudsucker proxy? Sure. Yeah. At six O 4 Waring Hudsucker merged with the Infinite. That is a punch out. He should have said merged with the Internet. He did leave us with a little bit of a eulogy to himself because of course it can't be finished with. Yeah, L Ron Hubbard wasn't going to let someone else get the last one. He wrote all the things. There's nothing he couldn't have written that wasn't written. And the elegy he chose was a song called Thank You for listening from an album of Scientology songs titled The Road To Freedom. Are we going to listen to it? Yeah, we are going to hear L Ron Hubbard himself sing a ************* song. Please don't tell me he can **** and has a voice like an Angel. I hope this is a dope dude. I hope this is a Bob. Alright friends, without further ado, the voice of L Ron Hubbard. The boss? Yeah, music's original boss. Everybody's nice bridge bringing us in. Bring this in. Ohh *** ****. Yes, you are so right. Just. What are others hearing this? Days, they would argue. Who's the voice of like a dinosaur in a children's cartoon? Seeing what I believe? No way. Give them fight if they believe white, otherwise it still will have him. Right in the face. I love this song. Except if you listen to the lyrics, they're bad. They are. I'm gonna toss a Kleenex box. Yeah, hit the roof. They're also no real improvements on this song. Yeah, karaoke. Listening? Yes. And a funeral. Or truth is truth. And if they decide to live with life, that's their concern, not mine. My friend. They're free to fantasize. She loves them low lying. It sounds like it's a full house theme about how you all should have believed me. You're all gonna suffer now. This is these are the notes to the full house. Yeah. A lot of musical interludes in between the vocals. Yeah, he's great dancing during this part. Guitar solo right now. Surprisingly good at break dancing and *******. Really? Way too much instrumental. So much. OK, now, so that we we can't get in trouble with copyright concerns, let's discuss linguistically, lyrically, musically. Because you're both musicians, right? Yeah. You're a ******. That's true. Yeah, you're a ******. And you're part of Cody's band, right? Yeah. Yeah, I consider it Cody's band, but I don't know that it is he just. It's more like guys just. Showing up in which made which makes you as qualified as L Ron Hubbard to talk about exactly. I've always analyze this on the public record. I was kicked out of that band. No. No further comment. That's true. That's good. Yeah. So Cody's banned. He is. He is a prima Donna. Yeah. And we'll be listening to this episode, and I want him to record my version of this song once I get a cult going. Well, I was in charge of cover this song. Let's cover this song. I was in charge of cleaning the rehearsal rooms and the guys with the white gloves were not pleased they kicked me out of there. So, Michael, your thoughts on on. Thank you for listening and on L Ron Hubbard's voice. Let's start with your thoughts on his voice. He stole the bed like Abe gave me the image that's stuck in my mind. Which, yeah, it's like Barney the dinosaur singing to kids, but instead of teaching them how to wash their hands, he's saying you're all living in a deluded fantasy world, children. Soon you will get sick from this. Do you understand? But listen. Sweet candy. They're free to find to. Sorry, yeah. It also sounds like the guy in a barbershop quartet who's only there to hit the low note at the end to go, oh baby. And they're like the three other guys didn't show up. Goodbye. Best if there's not a shot of that guy who it's that low. No, never goes. Ah yeah, that low. Note part of the song. God, Abe, your thoughts? Yeah, mine went immediately to the instrumentation because it's it's just it's shouting something immediately, like from the get go. It's the horns. Like you were saying, Michael. They're like clearly fake horns. Like someone got like my brother's Casio and it's doing like French horn on it. I bet they somehow ****** that up, though. I bet they actually recorded because he had money, right? He had so much money. So I've never heard a recording that probably was recorded on actual. Instruments. And because they're so bad at recording, like they're bad at filmmaking, they're very similar. Yeah, it sounds like a MIDI version. And you know how I like middies? Michael Nitties are my favorite boys are back in town is your favorite. That's my it's it's better than the original the MIDI versions. But I wish I or maybe it was. I mean, if this was studio musicians he hired, what a great thing to be on a fly on the wall for could have afforded it. I feel like he didn't, just because he was so scared that everyone. Trying to murder him is secretly the FBI, which is why he didn't just like, hire a real production company to make this movie. It had to all be done in house by Scientology. AR15 can fit in a guitar case. So he's like no musicians. No. Yeah, exactly that. Every, there's so many moments in this this journey that we've been taking or it's just, I want to know what that guy who's just told. All right. So you have to learn how microphones work. He's like I my last job was I worked at McDonald's, you know, like I. Like a lot of cases, I was a heart surgeon. Like, this is not at all my area, right? I have no clue how to do this. Well, it's going to have to be perfect. Or what? He'll beat you. You'll wind up in the torture prison we have, you know. Well, I guess I signed up and gave money for this. I do feel like killing myself after listening to it. That must mean it's the Best Song. Song version of Excalibur. Yeah, it's it's so weird to me that a guy could, who could manipulate the emotions of millions of people and strike at something core in us which is just, you know, like the hook to Scientology is yeah, your life is a mess and they offer enough that seems believable at the base level that it hooks millions of people in. And yet he doesn't understand tone at all. Like, it's the bizarre. The lyrics are ominous. And the music is like Scientology is the soda that will finally refresh you. Unlike all other sodas, he doesn't like get how to manipulate people's emotions. And yet he does. And yet he obviously gets it. I will. I didn't want to point out that he was only like, pitch. He was pitching a lot less than I expected. Yeah, he was pitching maybe one or two once or twice. He, like, flubbed a note, but. I mean, he's got mediocre pipes. Yeah, I'm saying the thoroughly mediocre. Yeah. The main thing that made it sound bad, I thought, was that he cut everywhere. It sounds like the melody lines, like falling down the stairs. I know exactly what that is. It's called a noise gate. And they probably had it set too high, too high just because they don't know what's going on. So they just anytime the microphone is like, oh, there's no signal, it just got, there's no tail. There's a bunch of lawyers and spies trying to work on it. Equipment. Also, if the noise gate was off on this track between every line, you'd hear him go. Like breathe in as a 71 year old cryptkeeper. Guess. Guess. There, because any moment is the final one. Call me the Commodore. Well, I think that's our legally mandated commentary over that song. Fair use, fair use. And you know what I have to say about fair use? Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm going to Chuck my last Kleenex box. Yeah. That's #10, baby. The floor is covered in throw in bagels and throw in boxes of Kleenex. A couple of torn up pieces of earlier scripts that I read earlier. I dropped the top of my water bottle on the ground. I wanted to help out. Thank you. We always leave it a mess because I'm a problem like L Ron Hubbard. And once the show takes off enough, I will absolutely buy a compound in Southern California and force people to make movies. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. You'll be piloting boats. The Navy guys I bring into the cult, they'll be making the movies. I assume you started this show to have a big track record. Educate everyone on people way worse than stuff you plan to do later so they know it's not so bad. Or I might try to take it to the 9th level. I didn't finish. Wild, wild country. But I'm. I'm on board with creating a cult city in the middle of nowhere I have. Really want to see what your battlefield Earth is? Oh yeah, I want to know what you think. Weapon right at the beginning of the universe and how it relates to you. Psychiatrists. Yes. I wish we could get cults to just assemble, make a movie based on their beliefs and then disassemble. Yeah, I want to see all of them. I wish all movies were made by Colts. Yeah, they are. In a way, it is propaganda. All of it. Yeah. What I said it's true. Yeah, including this. Well, yeah, I mean, this is absolutely propaganda aimed at getting me a compound somewhere in the northwest and a religion get indoctrinated people with just a giant glowing burrito on the spindle that turns glowing dorito on filming everyone at all and and turrets. Dry bagels. What's your code? Would be nice because if you **** ** the set or Robert changes his mind. He wanted a blue. Now he wants a green. He just throws a bagel at your head like it could be worse. Also, I will throw bagels a lot. A lot. You're hungry? Just eat the compound because it's made of bagels and big real rat problem. You got your five rat quota already met within three sentences. They're huge, taking so many carbs. These these bagel fed rats are becoming too strong, Robert. They're threatening to overtake compounds. Somebody's been feeding them way protein, so they've been working out as well. So they're like swollen, nervous rats in your cup. Well, we found a dead rat with a bunch of puncture needles in its ****. We think it's the rat you we think they have a cold now. Also, the rat has a T-shirt that says the Joe Rogan podcast. ******. We're so ******. Ohgod ohgod, OK. Bugs huggables? Yeah, yeah, we both. He and I, Michael, Savannah Apperson we have a a little thing called a small beans, which you can see on Patreon. We do videos and podcasts ourselves, and there's a bunch of other great podcasts on that network you can access it from by going to beans. And yeah, we're we're doing another show. I don't know, we said this last episode. I can't even remember. Oh yeah. That's the double down. In case you only wanted to hear about the last part of the last part of L Ron Hubbard's life. Yeah, we're launching a new show called off hours. That is going to be basically the whole production team or people who used to work at a site called Cracked. And what was, what was, what was that was that it was a napkin fulfillment site. You know, they like, would refill all the paper towels and soap dispensers, but they also ran a web series and similarly a lot of people who worked on that. We are now working on our new show called off Hours, which will involve 4 friends sitting around talking about pop culture. Well, that sounds legally distinct. Legally distinct and a good antidote for behind the *******. Yes, it gets you down. Come listen to some mindless ******** that we won't find out for 20 years was actually evil movie. You're going. Let's get that cultural dipstick. Well, everybody build a cult. All right. We for sure. Are we for sure that shut us up. Yeah, we're like, Oh no, build the cult. OK, I'm leaving. Yeah. Well, this has been behind the ********. I've been Robert Evans, my Twitter Instagram at Bastarde pod website,, T-shirts T public. I have another podcast. It could happen here. It's sad. Goodbye. Hello. 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