Behind the Bastards

There’s a reason the History Channel has produced hundreds of documentaries about Hitler but only a few about Dwight D. Eisenhower. Bad guys (and gals) are eternally fascinating. Behind the Bastards dives in past the Cliffs Notes of the worst humans in history and exposes the bizarre realities of their lives. Listeners will learn about the young adult novels that helped Hitler form his monstrous ideology, the founder of Blackwater’s insane quest to build his own Air Force, the bizarre lives of the sons and daughters of dictators and Saddam Hussein’s side career as a trashy romance novelist.

Part Two: Napoleon III: The Worst Bonaparte

Part Two: Napoleon III: The Worst Bonaparte

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 11:00

Robert is joined again by Matt Lieb to continue to discuss Napoleon III.

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I didn't know that there was an alive Habsburg that's incredible. There is. He loves Catholic fascism and Miyazaki films. Oh my God. It's incredible. He's an amazing poster. He's like an anime avatar type guy. Is that, oh my God. It's fucking phenomenal. I love it. It's just like, I mean, at the end of the day, you do enough inbreeding. You're going to just breed four-champ posters. That's what you're going to do. He's a wild character. He's a grouper. He's grouper. He's grouper. He's grouper. He's not quite online enough to be one really. But he spends all of his time traveling around the world giving lectures on Blessed Carl, who was the last emperor of the Austro-Garion Empire. God. Let me talk about my homie Blessed Carl. Dude, your fucking family helped ignite a conflagration that killed tens of millions of people. Maybe shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up and change your name. Change your name. What I like about the Hitler's, I'll say this for him. Not the main one, right? But he had family and stuff who weren't Hitler, who didn't do the bad Hitler stuff. All of the branches of his family after his death independently decided to stop having kids. You know what? Bit enough Hitler's. We rolled the dice on this family enough. I love it. Yeah, it's a nice way of just going like, hey, you know, maybe this whole genome is trash. You know, my mom was his aunt, not her fault. She didn't do anything, right? But I just don't think we need to have any more Hitler's. Yeah, we're going to limit the Hitler's. I think we're good. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, you got to give it to the Hitler's. And then the other Hitler's. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. So there's a segment of your listenership who hates the soundboard. I know. I know for them. There's no one I hate more than those people. It's okay. The people that hate the soundboard also hate that I have a microphone and also hate that Robert M. Pronounces things. And so we just have to try effective for help for them. And they keep listening. They're like a heroin addict who would shoot his dealer if he could work up the courage. So suck it. Oh, I did it. He did it. You should've known it yourself. He's a burrell. He's the deputy ops. Anyways, listen to Pod yourself, the war. I have a family. It is the world's only the wire pod, yes, I'm halloween. Hell yeah, baby. So by the summer of 1835, Louis Napoleon had met a man who finally set his life on a purposeful track. And this is again Gilbert Persigny, who is the the ask his or her convinces him, hey man, people don't like the current king that much, but they love the shit out of the memory of your uncle. Yeah. You could you could work this into something. You can make some shit out of this. And Persigny convinces him that the Bonapartist cause is still so popular in France that this would be an easy task for Louis himself to accomplish. Within weeks, Louis was stating this opinion as his own saying, quote, if the Napoleon at cause has left fond memories in the hearts of the French people, then all I should have to do is present myself, standing quite alone without even troops at my side before the people and remind them of their recent grievances and past glory. And they will rally to my flag. Believe me, I know my France. He has barely spent any time in his life in France. He has a German ass accent. I know, I know my France. If this one thing I know, it's France. Okay. I was born in St. Louis and have like vague memories of my time there before we moved to Oklahoma and be like, I know the people of St. Louis. Yes. Don't tell me about self-saint Louis. I know them. I listen to the song Meet Me in St. Louis. Yes. Great. I know about Ted Drew's. That's the only thing I remember about St. Louis. Dope ass, frozen yogurt. Or maybe it sucks. I don't remember. I was like nine the last time I ate there. Yeah. I heard that. I heard something I can't verify as cool from a very long time ago. Podcast. Podcasts. That's right. Love. So Louis Napoleon sets upon a cunning plan, which is that he's just going to like march his way into France to this garrison at Strasbourg where there's like 10,000 soldiers. And he likes that because he assumes it's I just got to say height of those soldiers and they'll be like, li-per-er. Yeah. And then we can all march to Paris. And this is he thinks that this will work for him because this is kind of how Napoleon had retaken power. Yeah. That is how he did it essentially. That is how he did it. However, he did that because he had won dozens of battles against long odds and conquered all of Western Europe for France, right? Yeah. Yeah. No, he had like a track record, a famous guy. People know him. Yeah. Whereas Louis Napoleon is most famous for getting his older brother killed in Italy. So before he does to his credit, he does try to do a little bit of groundwork before he just walks off to Strasbourg. Yeah. From his base of operations in London reaches out to the commanding general of the garrison, like Sins and Milletter being like, I want to come and take your garrison to retake France. This guy, being not a complete idiot, Sins the letter to his bosses and is like, hey, the- They aired an Napoleon Bonaparte. It might be trying to take over the country in a little while, guys. I was thinking of just letting him do it because it'd be funny, but I thought I'd let you guys know. I was just figuring out you're checking. I was just checking on this. It's not in the manual. It's gonna fail today. It could be pretty funny. Louis Napoleon is not able to convince this guy or any like generals, but there's a couple of kernels and majors who had fought in Napoleon Bonaparte's army and are like, I guess, unhappy enough with the regime that they're like, yeah, man, we'll fight. So he gets some people to agree to back him in the French military. Here's how the shadow emperor describes what happened next. At 6 o'clock on Monday, the 30th of October, 1836, Swiss army captain Louis Napoleon Bonaparte, now disguised in the uniform of a French colonel, attended by French general Vaudre et Tynne officers, including Gilbert Persigny, marched into the Strasbourg garrison to the barracks of the 46th Infantry Regiment, where colonel Bonaparte appealed to the men to join him. Unfortunately, they completely rejected the young man and the name of Bonaparte, much to the astonishment of the prince, and from then on it turned into a shambles. Although they managed to seize the commanding general, the Affilevoirele in his office, he then escaped through a back door and was saved by his staff officers, joined by Vaudrele's hysterical mother-in-law and wife, who then pummeled the bewildered Swiss captain with a barrage of fists. By 8 o'clock, the coup was over and the invaders were behind locked doors. Louis Napoleon loses his coup because the mother and wife of the guy he tries to kidnap beat him up. That is wonderful. I love it. It doesn't even get stopped by the army. Yeah. The guys mom starts hitting him. Almost did it. We almost won. And Zenzem was came out to start punching me and I was like, wow. I was not ready for this. I was not ready. Anyway, this is my Vatelou. By the way, I do love that. He mostly has a German accent because it means I can start doing my German accent again. We can't. I picked this. I was planning this for another guest and then I was like, spoke French with a German accent. Get mad on the phone. That's me, baby. Sophie, turn on the mat, Liam's signal. Jean-Mapéle, Napoleon. When you can't do accents, all accents are correct. And the same people that hit your soundboard also hate that sport. And they also hate the yellow. And you know what? Fuck them. Fuck them. Eat it. Right. So a lot of people are very amused by this coup attempt. The London Times sums it up as ridiculous. The Frank Fritter Ziton calls him an unbalanced young man and asks, what on earth did he possibly expect to achieve? Now, glory, I think. Yes. Yeah, that seems like it was the plan. I think it was going for glory and, you know, something chill at least. It comes up a little short. So since the good news is that nobody gets hurt in this attempt, right? The most injuries anyone suffers is Louis Napoleon getting beaten up by two ladies. Incredible. So Charles the 10th is looking at the situation. He's like, well, nobody's dead. This is pretty comical. And like, if I try to execute him or like put him up, that's just going to be more visibility and he is a bone apart, right? Like, I don't want to fuck that much with a bone apart because things are not great for Charles the 10th, right? He is not on a super solid and he just kind of, he kind of just wants this to go away, right? Hoping that like he's not going to try a second time to overthrow the government. So let's just, you know, let's just try and deal with this amably. So he gives Louis Napoleon $200,000 in a bag and takes him to a harbor where he's put on a boat for New York City. So Louis Philippe is like, yeah, just take this bag of cash and get the fuck out of here. Here's $200,000 and has his soldiers take Louis Napoleon to a harbor and he sales to New York City to have a vacation. I do love that. If you want to know why, uh, fail sons continually get chances over, it's because when they do something really stupid that any other person would be executed over, you give them $200,000 in a free vacation. Like, I agree with you. You know, it's fair to say this was a complicated problem for the camera to deal with because it, but yeah, I think, I think you got to hang them, right? That's just, this should be the rule with goose. I think that's a regular rule. I think we've all agreed to this rule. Well, I mean, we're having this problem now and I kind of think we should have hung anyway, whatever, you know, you know, my feelings on, on the former president. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, we can't say it. Uh, yeah, I mean, so there's the lesson with Louis Napoleon and the lesson with Hitler. And maybe the lesson with the Trump is that like if people keep trying to take over the government, you have to, you have to stop them permanently. They won't give up just because it doesn't work once. Have you guys watched a single episode of Pinkie and the Brain? You see, he stops every time he fails to take over the world. No, the brain keeps going. Exactly. You got to hang the brain. I think brain all the time as embarrassing as the first coup attempt goes. Louis Napoleon isn't that put out by it. He has a good vacation. He gets to go to the US. He loves the United States. Finds it fascinating. Yeah, he's especially this is a very exciting mid 1800s. A lot of technology is getting off the ground for the first time. He gets to see and person some of the first American experiments with electricity. He gets to watch like very early trains, which France doesn't really have yet. France is still in a lot of ways a medieval economy. All transit is like carriages and shit. They're not, they're not industrializing. So while he's away, he does have a trial in absentia in France and it results surprisingly in him being acquitted. And this is for, it does it like again, the Bonaparte have a lot of sympathy and there's a lot of things that get fucked up in this trial. It's not really worth getting that into, but he gets acquitted. Louis enjoys the United States. He finds it a soothing break from his failed attempt to take the French throne. He does, if you want to know what he thinks about America, he notes in his diary that American slavery seems to be quote, a bad thing. Oh my God. So I'll give him that. I'll give him that. I'll give him that. That is, that is, again, where people talk about, well, you know, it was just the times. Like this guy sucks ass and he looks at America's like, oh, no, this is a really bad system. Shitty coups getting beat up by a couple of ladies. He sucks and he's like, guess what? I'm gonna say slavery is bad. Hey, this is a, this fucked up guys. Yeah, this is, this is really, this is really unpleasant. I thought my cool attempt was ridiculous, but this, oh, and people. He finds himself really admiring technology, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how enterprising Americans are with technology, how much they embrace like new things, how modern they are. But he also decides and concludes and letters back to his friends and family that the country, the new nation is deficient in what he calls moral force. And he lays this at the United States as immaturity. Quote, in principle, every American colony is a real republic. It is an association of men who, with equal rights, have agreed together to develop the products of their country. It matters little whether they have a governor or president for their chief. They require only a few police regulations. Here there is freedom to acquire, but not freedom to enjoy. There is the right to act, but not to think. Can I actually find surprisingly apt? Yeah, that's kind of, hit the nail on the head there. That's not a bad summerito for us now. Yeah, yeah, no, that's, that is remained true. Yeah, credit where it's due. He kind of had our number. So he had to cut his trip to the United States short after about six months. I think he wanted to spend more time, see more of a continent. But then his mom gets sick. And he, you know, he's a mom as boy. He returns home to be with her. He goes, she died, she dies in his arms, yada, yada, yada, sad stuff. Look, they've all been dead for 200 years. Don't think too much about it. Once he's done grieving, it's time to get right back to his ultimate goal, which is still to become the emperor of France. Yeah, plotting. Plotting. He goes back to England with a coterie of backers. He does decide to like, yeah, he goes back to England with this coterie of backers, in a mix of bankers, financiers, former French military officers, and con men pretending to be former French military officers, and he decides to put together a more ambitious plan to seize the throne. And we're going to talk about all of that and his flight from Switzerland. But first, Matt, what? How do you, how do you, how do you feel about the concept that out there, the largest fresh water bodies are just sitting around our border with Canada, fucking fat and lazy. Yeah, just ten years. Ten years. We know God damn well, they're not. We know God damn well, they're not. Yeah. Yeah. Be any natural borders to Canada. Mm-hmm. Socialist lakes. Socialist lakes. This has been a paid advertisement for the campaign to fucking nuke the God damn shit out of the great lakes. Nuke the lakes. Turn it into steam. Yeah. Use that steam to power engines to blow up more lakes. That's right. We could be nukeing all the lakes by this time 2025. Think of all the lowland we could create by blowing up the lakes. And we'll get water in Southern California again. Exactly. Exactly. No one's proven it wouldn't work that way. Yeah. Science. Yeah. Get ahead of it. Get ahead of it. Nuke a couple of lakes. Anyway. And speaking of nuke lakes. Yeah. I got a pee. Oh, okay. 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Yes and yes and was I allowed to end like that? That's how I go. Was that acceptable to you? Yes. They failed at the ground links. Oh God. I just get it. I never did the ground links. I've never taken an improv class and it should neither of I, neither of I, I knew too many people who were into improv and decided absolutely not. Yeah, never, never, never, hard same. Yeah. It is weird because like one out of a hundred of the like improvisers that I know or that I've seen, I'm like, that's the funniest person I've ever seen. Yes. That means 99% are just terrible. Look, every terrible improv person we've ever needed was was was was was just the price we all paid as a society to get Tim Robinson. Exactly. Exactly. And you know what? Still not worth it. And a lot of people want to say like, oh, well, you know, stand up comedy is also a bit. Yeah, but at least stand up comics are sad and bad. Yeah. It is improvisers, they're just like happy and bad and that's not fair. It is very funny that like anyway, that would be getting too far off topic. Let's talk more about Lewis motherfucking Napoleon. So by 1837, when Lewis Napoleon tried his ill-fated attempt to coup the French government, the first one, he'd already let himself become completely obsessed with the idea of taking back the crown of his uncle from King Louis Philippe. The fact that his punishment for that coup had not even amounted to a slap on the wrist to put back the in fact, a paid vacation meant that he had not been incentivized against trying again. Look, if you spent a day failing to take over France and got like lightly beaten up and then was given $200,000, do you think you might try to take over France again, Matt? I mean, I would just assume that that's how I get more money. Yeah, I would do it a second. Absolutely. I'd be like, well, that's a job. And my job is trying to go over France every once in a while. Look, America, have fun. Behavioral psychology is a complex field, but most people will agree when you give someone $200,000, that's an incentive. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to be Adam Smith to know that. No, you really don't. This is very simple economics. Yeah, this is human behavior even. To his credit, former King Louis Bonaparte tries desperately to stop his son from continuing this course of action. He begs Louis Napoleon to take his gifts and his talents and pursue a worthy life somewhere fall far outside of politics. Take an improv course, please. Louis Napoleon. Yeah, he begs him to avoid quote, what I referred to as the great affairs of the world. He's basically like, look, man, I know you want to be in power. You like the idea of like being this huge historical figure. I was a big historical figure and it actually sucks. Don't do it. He is desperately trying to give his son the best advice possible. Yeah. His kid does not listen. He, he, he, he, he, again, to his credit, he's like quote, enjoy some real pleasure during this brief existence of ours. Like, don't, why do you want this job? Just like you're, you're a rich kid. You hit the like inheritance jackpot. Just live your life and enjoy it. Like make some art or something. Louis Napoleon is not going to take this advice. So the fridge government keeps buying me guitars and telling me to start a band and he's really pissing me off. I don't want to be in a band. I want to control an army and invade arbitrarily. Louis Napoleon like sits down at the end of a sun's bed like, hey, they're champ. How you doing? I just wanted to, you've tried, you've tried cocaine. You might really like it actually. You know what? I'm trying to get me to do coke. Pay these hookers to come over and party with you. We got a rave room set up in the, in the feast. How, why don't you just do that the rest of your life? You want to take some e with me? Oh, I love it. Yeah. I love it. He's just doing anything possible to get him to not be into doing war. He's just like, no, dad, you had to not want to fuck these ladies anymore. It's, please. It is so funny. He can't stop it. I'm going to get my dick wet, okay? So the French government keeps heavy like, like, secret police surveillance on the entire Bonaparte family now. And this is again, Louis's family are never happy with him. He gets his brother killed. He gets them forced out of Italy. And now there's like spooks watching their every move. So it's, this is not pleasant for anybody. When the French government realizes that he's going to try again, they start pushing on Switzerland to eject Louis from the country. Again, they don't really want to kill him or anything. They just like Switzerland's right on the border of France. So they're like, let's, let's try to force him to get further away. This goes so far as as King Louis Philippe sends an army of 20,000 men to the border of Switzerland. Like Switzerland and France are kind of on the edge of a major war for a little while. But and this causes problems for Louis Napoleon and Switzerland. But it does not have the effect that Louis Philippe wants it to have. Because war tensions between the new countries are high for months, which means the news is constantly reporting on this, which means Louis Napoleon's name is constantly in the French papers. If you remember Donald Trump, no publicity is good publicity for a guy like this. And it keeps him, it keeps him popular. It keeps his name alive. It keeps people talking about him. And kind of even being vaguely near to an attempt on power is worth it because again, it keeps his name out in front of people. He's learning through this Louis Napoleon, the same lesson that like Trump and a lot of other Afo-Retarians, like populist authoritarian, so you're going to learn a long time later. One French minister wisely noted at the time, quote, no one in France can ever again forget Louis Napoleon's name. And soon he will be even more dangerous than he was before the Strasbourg affair. He's kind of the first and again, he to his credit, he's not unaware of this. He realizes like, even though this doesn't work, it's just kind of worth it to keep trying because people, if you keep people talking about you, that's part of what you need to do in order to succeed at this thing. Yeah, especially if you're like, you know, letting people think you're just ridiculous the whole time. Yeah, and at this point he is. And to his credit, he does care about his adopted home of Switzerland enough that he leaves forever to spare it, you know, the trouble of being invaded by France possibly. He goes to London, which is, you know, number one, the, the Brits are happy to have him because even though they didn't have a good relationship with the Bonaparte, the British are kind of always quarreling with France. Right. So now that he's contra to the people ruling in France, it's like, yeah, we want to bat like anything that fucks with France a little bit. Enemy of my enemy dog. Exactly. And also like France can't threaten England. Nobody can threaten England right now. Like, yeah, we got all the boats. Yeah, you've got no boat. You're like, you've got shit in boats. Yeah, you've got a lot of people, but you ain't got no boat. That is. That is. What are you going to do? You just effortlessly summed up 350 years of British foreign policy. That's what it is. You've been in Britain, been in Britain. Yeah. You got to have to take a boat here. And the ones that called enough to be frowns, so you can walk over here. So it is funny to think if there had been like one cold snap in like the period from 1600 to 1940 where people could have walked across the England would have gone nothing left. We could absolutely go on. Gone. So that would have been awesome. Yeah. So, yeah, he goes to London and he takes with him Gilbert, persigny and around the world like 20 other of his big supporters, including an Italian banker named Giuseppe Orsi, who's going to be funding his next attempt to take power. Great Britain. I'm going to give you the money. No, I'm just doing all accents. I'm losing my mind. So you are my Pinocchio. Giuseppe. So, great Britain. How did it go? It gives them all trample documents. Mostly because again, they figure he's going to fuck with France again, which is correct. So he spends the next little bit, a couple of years living in England. Living in London specifically, he goes to all these high society parties. He's very in demand. He's Napoleon's nephew. He's Prince Bonaparte. He makes a lot of connections with powerful backers and other parts of Europe who want to fuck with France for some reason or another. He starts plotting his next coup attempt. He also, to his credit, he's dumb in a lot of ways. He's not a complete moron either. He pays attention very successfully to the way the British Empire does things. One biographer describes him as being, quote, greatly impressed by the English obsession with foreign travel and exotic places. And when they say travel here, they are not talking about tourism. They're not talking about going to a sandals. Yeah. In 1839, while he's in London, the British Empire takes possession of Hong Kong and the East India Company occupies Addon. So that's what he means by travel. So as his plans for Imperial glory solidify, so too does his political understanding of what has gone wrong in his home country. France, again, in this period, is basically medieval in a lot of respects. Their economy is ancient. It is decrepit. Again, there's fucking trains in the UK and in the United States and a number of other places. Everything in France is still done by like horses driving around wagons. Yeah. That's 100% of transit. It's a thing to God that the harvest comes in and it's, it's, they don't got much in the way of technology. It's bad. Social life has also stagnated again because King Louis Philippe is a kind of a revanchist. He's trying to take things back to the absolute monarchy days, not with a ton of success. And yeah, the the the the Emperor or the King's hold on power is just is not great. Alan Strauss-Schum sums up what Louis Napoleon took from this in his writings from 1840. The fundamental vice, which is eating away at France today, is the exaggerated interpretation of the rights of the individual, of his scorn for authority. Now this is the real Louis Napoleon speaking. The people were already too independent now. Yes, there should be popular elections, but the people must vote as they were directed and that is precisely how he intended to run his future empire. Give the masses the vote, but all voting would be dictated by the leader of the country. Alab Bonaparte. Napoleon the first had, of course, completely manipulated his national plebiscites without apologies. That system worked. You did. So you did. That's his thinking. Later that year still convinced that the people of France would back him and Moss, if he just presented himself to them in the right way. Napoleon attempted a second coup. By this point, he fully believed that he was meant by God to take up his uncle's legacy and lead France into a second empire. He wrote to his followers, from time to time, Minna created whom I call volunteers of Providence and whose hands are placed the destiny of their countries. I believe I am one of those men. If I am wrong, I can perish uselessly. If I am right, then Providence will put me into a position to fulfill my mission. Again, how about both? When people say I believe I'm a volunteer of Providence and the destiny of nations is in my hands. I believe I have been chosen by God to do this. You have a moral responsibility to hit them with a brick. 100% brick him. Yeah. Anyone who says that, give him a brick. That is fascism 101 shit right now. A lot of ways, part of why I picked him, Louis Napoleon, he's not a fascist. Fascism does not exist yet. But he is the most direct precursor to 20th century fascism that you can prior to that period. He is, and we're building to a lot of why that becomes the case. You can see it here, this idea that I saw his idea that is very hit Larry and Mussolini and however you say that I somehow, I as an individual embody the national will and have been kind of chosen by Providence to take this country in a direction like away from just to steer it and where it needs to go, right? That is very much a fascist attitude. Yeah. It's not again, fascism owes a lot of its DNA to feudalism. That's kind of why I find Napoleon the third interesting is he sort of represents, because he's also kind of a Republican, but in the way that the Republic should exist to justify my reign. Right. Interesting guy, interesting period of history. Yeah. The proto-fascism in that it's like the aesthetics of the past in history is what he's driving on. Like that's, it's not just the feudalism, you know, totalitarian, authoritarianism. It's also remember the glory has passed and I represent it in blood. That is proto-fascism to a tea. It sure is my friend. It sure is. So our man sharders a steamboat with 56 men. Some of them are former military officers and a few others are guys who have been like leading hunts and stuff. They're like the kind of servants who take rich guys on hunts. But most of them are like bankers, political functionaries, journalists, guys who are not going to be useful in a fight. Right. This is his, this is his coup attempt squad. And this is, I gotta tell you, we talk about coups quite often on this show. We've talked about the Wanga coup, which is a very funny failed coup. There's elements of humor and Hitler's failed coup and a number of other failed coups. This is the funniest coup failure I have ever heard of. This is, this is amazing. So the whole attempt has been funded by Count Giuseppe Orsi. He's this banker. He's secured like 2.2 millionish modern equivalent dollars. When I say a number of like how much money is shit's worth, I'm always speaking like the equivalent modern term. Right. Like this many fronks, because what does 16,000 fronks mean to anybody with this? Right. Like whatever. About 2.2 million modern dollars in funding from a variety of backers. So this boat with these 56 dudes on it nears the French coast and Lewis Napoleon orders everybody. Most of whom don't know what they're doing entirely. They've been following Lewis Napoleon, but like he only keeps a couple of people in the loop as to the plan. So once they get off the French coast, he tells everybody get into these French army uniforms. We're all going to dress like French regular French soldiers. Where's the hat? Please. Put the hat on. No. I get the big one. I get the big one. The biggest hat is mine. The biggest hat is mine. I get the good salt, but you guys get the other ones. So they all are armed with copies of French army guns that they've purchased in Birmingham. Again, the gun industry is not really any gun control in most of the European states. A lot, at least a number of them at this point. So like in England, you could just kind of easily pick up copies of the kinds of guns the French use and vice versa. So they have like copies of French army guns and they have French uniforms that this banker has bought. And they're kind of dressing as regular soldiers. Now in the str- most of them are in the Strasbourg attempt, Lewis Napoleon had worn the uniform of a colonel. He had never been a colonel anywhere. Certainly not in the French army. For this next attempt, he promoted himself to Major General. OK. Maybe the issue when I got beat up by those two ladies was that I didn't have enough rank. Yeah, I need more stripes to my shoulders. She wouldn't have hit me if it had the stars. Yes. If I had all the stars and all the stripes and people would be like, well, we can't hit him. Well, don't hit him. Look at all the ranks on his shoulders. He's a Major General. Not just a colonel. So once everyone is equipped, he delivers a stirring speech. Friends, companions of my destiny, I have drawn up a plan. We are going to France. There we will find powerful, devoted friends veiting on us. The soul of Jack Obstichel is blown, but Vansity's removed final success is certain. And if I am supported and reinforced Zer, which is as certain as the sun in this sky, we will be in Paris within a matter of days. I've slipped out of the accent. You went into French, which was impressive. Yeah. Then history will say that with just a handful of such brave men as you, I shall have achieved this grand and glorious undertaking. So he gives a speech. Now the chief military advisor on this coup attempt, right? The man who is supposed to be, because they're supposed to be building an army as they walk along these areas to eventually confront the king in battle, right? That's the idea. Yeah, it's a whole thing. So he has a general with him, right? No, because he's he's not willing enough to know. I've never commanded an army in the field. I should probably have somebody who has. And the general that he has to run the military side of this coup attempt is Major General Tristan de Montphalon. Now impressive name, right? Here's how the book, The Shadow Emperor, describes the sky. Just about everything about him was either phoney or bizarre, beginning with the title he used of Marquis. He was only account and quite a new one at that allegedly wounded and having served with Napoleon from a Hanland into Waterloo, it was all lies. Indeed, he not only had never served in a single battlefield, but he had refused to do so and so ordered. Not content with that, he had reneged on gambling debts and topped that off by stealing the regimental pay of his own officers. Despite all, he had somehow hoodwinked Napoleon and accompanied him to St. Helena, where he became his final confidante. Promised a major legacy from Napoleon's will, Montphalon had on at least two occasions administered arsenic in Napoleon's wine, greatly weakening him and leading to his death. And it was this charlatan coward, thief and murderer whom Louis Napoleon had unwittingly appointed to his campaign. That is beautiful. That is beautiful. I love it. He's just like, no, this guy is wearing all the right clothes. He knows my dad. He knows my uncle, yeah. Yeah, knows my uncle. And he said he was there in St. Helena, used to give him lots of drinks. It was fun. Yeah, he'll take command. He's been a general. So of course I trust him. Look at that smile. It's great. He gives me such confidence. He is a true confidence man. Now I will give Louis Napoleon some credit. The boat guys he hired do their job competently. They get everyone to shore. Everyone gets two France and his own France, which is given how the rest of this goes kind of amazing. I got to say, you know it's going to go bad when you're giving credit to the guys who made the boat go. Yeah, they did succeed in reaching land from the sea. They succeeded in the boat going away. That is boats go. That is the last success. And in fact, the landing is not a huge success. They do get to shore, but they're not great at it. And so they make a lot of noise. That's a different guys job. Getting the captain of the ship. Oh, no, no, no, he told us it was quiet, right? I just don't do a guy's job. No one ever said I was tight. So I take boat from point A point B. You have to rest. A customs agent hears them coming to shore like a customs guy guy whose job is to make sure boats don't land in France without like paying taxes. And he like walks up to them and is like, so what's what's going on here? They lie. They say they're soldiers from the nearby regiment and they tell them like we're from this regiment that's the regiment belitted in the city, but they get the name of the regiment wrong, which this guy knows because he lives here. So he's like, that's kind of suspicious. So just usually know what regiment they're in. Also, the guy in charge speaks in a German accent. That's peculiar. Oh, it's via French. Yes. Serving 106th Airborne. Yeah, via Airborne exist. We are the paratroopers. Oh, it's just one thing we know. It's we are definitely not evading. Yeah. So it's not a coup. This customs agent gets further suspicious because when he asks questions of the group, there's not like, you know, normally when you have a military unit and you as another member of the military and an official capacity, ask questions of that unit. Normally like one person is going to reply, right? Because there's a chain of command. The off someone is going to be in charge of that unit and he will answer for them, which is generally how things work in armies. Yeah. Instead, every time he asks a question, like, people will be quiet and then like replies will come at random from different members of the group. Oh, yeah. The guy dressed as a general, Lewis Napoleon is too anxious. He gets like stage fright so he can't say anything. Meanwhile, the other general, Montpelain, basically hides because he's never been a general and does not know how to actually respond. Yeah. And his number one thing is hiding when war comes. Yes. That is kind of what he's best at. That's what I'm known for in real life. None of these guys know what they're doing and the customs agent like confused, but like, well, they all do look like French soldiers. It's like, what on I escort you guys to the local military base and they can figure out where you're supposed to be. So they all start marching together and they've been like marching a little while when one of the Colonel's former French army colonels that Lewis Napoleon has gathered to his coup attempt suddenly shouts, do you know who you're escorting? It's Prince Napoleon himself. What the fuck? And then another man cries out, below his arms and France will soon proclaim the Prince Emperor of France. Now the customs agent, the customs agent whose name is Lieutenant Bali gets kind of suspicious at this. So he's like, all right, everybody, stop a second. Stop, stop, stop. What are you talking about? Now I should probably have mentioned this, or earlier, but it makes the outburst that just happened make a little more sense. I should note, everyone including Lewis Napoleon is shithouse drunk. Yes. They were too, they were too, get their courage up on the boat. They are pounding brandy, which is probably why they make so much noise and probably why they don't know how to respond. This guy starts asking really basic questions because they are all wasted. And the drunkenest of all of them is General de Montelon. So yeah. Bali, Lieutenant Bali is like, all right, everybody fucking hold. What is going on here? When he does that, General Montelon staggers forward slurring his words and tries to bribe the officer with a pension. He's like, hey man, we'll give you like a 15,000 francs a year, buddy. Why don't you just chill out, man? Hey, could you come over here real quick, just real quick? All right, buddy. We're fucked up right now. Okay. Bro, bro, we are wasted. We are too wasted. And I know this pretty little French girl, she's right around Cornstael. Fuck you. Damn. She'll fucking do it. But you just got to shut the fuck up. Just be chill, bro. Can you point us to a balloon? Yeah, like where the army guy is? And just let us know that. Yeah, just let us know where they're at and all fucked up. I'm going to puke. So Lieutenant balloon being the most competent person in this situation just bounces. He just takes his guys, he's like, you know what? I don't know what's going on here. This is not worth my continued involvement right now. I'm going to go and try to find someone who's a higher rank than me to figure out how to deal with this. So for him. Now the former Emperor's nephew and a bunch of retired officers, some random bankers and functionaries, all dressed as soldiers and shithouse drunk, decide like, well, I guess we continue with our plan to take over the country. One of Bonaparte's most loyal men then shouts forward march and the group continues to head to balloon. They enter the city proper at around 5 a.m. and they start putting up flyers, telling everyone that the king no longer rules France. Now this was not strictly true. Yeah, well, you know. You fake it till you make it, bro. I get it. Things start moving very quickly at this point. The troop advances towards the barracks were a regiment of infantry protected the city. Their goal was to take back the barracks and it's arsenal and convince the soldiers there to join them, right? So they get stopped by a group of five soldiers on the way there who are like, hey guys, we're in charge. We're the guarding this base. What are you? What are you? Yeah. They all seem very drunk in German. What's happening? Yeah. Yeah. I, I didn't my gun at you, but I don't even have guns. They're not armed, right? Like most militaries, you know, just like give people guns out of sort. Like they don't even have weapons. They're just kind of like hanging out to like, you know, keep an eye on stuff. Hey, you guys doing theater? Yeah. What is, what's going on here? Is this an improv troop? So the guy carrying the Emperor's standard, you know, the big flag with his logo and shit on it. When they get stopped, this guy Parkwyn steps forward drunkenly and he threatens them. Another of Napoleon's men grabs one of the soldiers' arms when he won't listen to orders from the Emperor. So the soldiers, they're still, they're too weirded out to like get weapons or anything. Like they, again, they have no idea what's happening. So after a brief mild altercation, Napoleon's met advance again. Alan Strossjorn describes what happens next. Advance, by the way, is a very funny way of drunkenly staggers forward. Yes, stagger towards a door. Quote. Advance. And Matt, brace yourself for this part. Inside the barracks is parade ground. Alden is ordered to arms. Here is the prince, which was repeated by a soldier on guard duty. Some of the men of the 42nd fell in and presented arms, shouting, Vivina Emperor! When an older sergeant arrived to see what was happening, Louis Napoleon blurted out, I shall make you a captain of the Grenadiers! Order and commonsense had already been replaced by a carnival of hysterics and absurdities. Louis Napoleon then herringed the troops, offering commissions, medals and money. Clearly captain Bonaparte, late of the Swiss army, was no more fit to command a garrison than a squad. Then Colonel Pugierre, who is in charge of the actual garrison, arrived and drawing his sword, demanded to know what was happening and where his company was. Some of Parkwinds men tried to grab him. Captain, I am Prince Louis Napoleon. Come join us and you will be rewarded with whatever you desire. But I don't know you, the captain replied. You are a traitor, he called out. The enternator had to his company, he said, soldiers, this is a trick. Vivina Roy, fallen behind me. Bonaparte's men tried to seize him again, when two more officers of the 42nd arrived. Freeing himself, Colonel Pugierre managed to notify the garrison commander, Colonel Sansô, and to rally some of his men. Panicking, Napoleon took out his pistol and shot an unarmed Grenadier in the mouth. What the fuck? He just, like, it all gets chaotic and they start yelling at him and he just shoots an unarmed man in the face for no reason. In the mouth specifically. This guy is just like a random ranger who's standing over me. I don't know what's happening. This guy is a Bonaparte. Everyone else, like my boss is saying, don't do it. Dude, I'm just like here and she shoots him in the face. Jesus Christ. I love, but I don't know you, dawg. But I have no idea who you are, man. What are you doing? This is in. I don't know. Did we met? I don't know. We're not friends. Yeah, we're not friends, dawg. Can you stop telling people we know each other? So this leaves everybody very surprised. Yeah, you shot someone in the mouth when he did the heat. He just drunk and drunk. Shoot a guy in the mouth for no reason. And we're going to talk about what comes next, but you know who will never shoot an unarmed French Grenadier in the mouth. Me. That's right. You would not do that. I mean, you might. I'm not going to say never, right? I'm not going to say never. Say never. This Black Friday at Robo Rock to cart for a stress free life with its built in reactive AI 2.0 obstacle avoidance technology. The Robo Rock S7 Max V not only recognizes hazards like wires, shoes, and even pet waste, but it also learns and reacts differently based on what it sees. It's intelligent, ultra convenient, and made for everyone. 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That's slash behind in order to get 10% off your first month at Again, slash behind for 10% off your first month with BetterHelp. We're back and we're thinking about shooting an armed French grenadiers. I think I haven't done, but could see myself doing it. If I had to, you know, depends on the situation, context is everything. Yeah, like, what if I get teleported back in time to like 1812 in the Russian steps, and there's like a French grenadier and he drops his gun because like, you know, he's scared because I just teleported through time, but I know he might go for it and then I have to shoot him to save the time stream. Yeah, that sounds right. That sounds right. That could happen. You never know. You don't want to fuck with space time, so you got to shoot him in the mouth. I have one piece of advice for people, one piece of it for advice, and it's never promise not to shoot a French grenadier without a weapon under any circumstances. Absolutely. You never know. Yeah. That's what Louis Napoleon understood. He knew that. He said, listen, I will do this. I will shoot the shit out of an unarmed French grenadier is not. I just love that it's mouth. It's not the head. The guy lives too, by the way. He survives. You don't describe it as shooting someone in the mouth if they die. And man, and what a thing every day that guy is at like the village pub and they're like, so why don't you get to talk Gilbert and he's like, well, I got shot in the mouth. But you never win. You're not going to. You're not going to. You're fucking dick, man. You're fucking dick. I was killed. I was even trying to fuck him up. So this leaves, yeah, everyone panics, right? There has now been gunfire. Napoleon's soldiers are not in fact soldiers. They are again like bankers and like just up again is right. Newspaper. Yeah. He's just happy there. Yeah, yeah, just happy is in fact there. Like this Italian banker dressed as a French soldier and then the Emperor panicking totally silent through this affair up to this point makes his first action shooting a random dude in the face. Everybody fucking panics at this point. Most of Napoleon's men take cover even though the French soldiers confronting them still aren't armed, right? They have rifles but no ammo. Right. Because again, they don't really know what's happening. So now they get pissed because Louis Napoleon is just shot there for a minute in the face. So they charge with bayonets. Yeah. Louis is the man. That's a party foul. She's the one in the party. Just fucking classic party foul. Look, I will agree. There are relatively few situations in which you should charge someone with bayonets but this is a good one. Oh yeah, I was going to die. I'm going to use a bayonet. So again, Louis Napoleon's men being mostly con artists and bean counters run like fuck even though they have loaded guns. They actually have loaded firearms and they run like shit. Oh, my mom. Yeah. My mom. I am the banker. Oh my god, that is wonderful. That is so great. So they rally in the center of town because the garrisons and like this fortress kind of on a hill in town. So they run a few hundred yards away into the center of town where they've been putting up signs and they rally there. Yeah. Meanwhile, the garrison is like, I guess we should give guys bullets. This seems like we might need to shoot some people like. Yeah. Again, no one really knows what's happening but by this point it's clear we're probably going to have to shoot some fools. The craziest thing about all this is it seems like the coup could have worked if he hadn't shot the dude in the mouth and they kind of seemed like a cohesive. Yeah. If they hadn't been drunk because some again as soon as they get in there and say like this is Prince Bonaparte, some soldiers and media reactions had been like, the emperor yeah. Yeah. Because again, Bonaparte still powerful legacy. Right. That flag tricolor way better than that flag. Lewis won't say shit because he's like a panicking and anxious and also kind of wasted. Nobody knows what they're doing and then he just shoots a man. He shoots their friend in the face and they're like, well, I guess not Viva Leigh and Barrett. Yeah. Viva Leigh. Ooh. Ooh boy. So you guys grab some band-ups. Some of Lewis Napoleon's men while the garrison soldiers are loading their guns, Lewis Napoleon and his men are like in the middle of town trying to regroup. They don't have a plan B. So they attempt to take the imperial flag and like run it up the flagpole of like the big government building in the center of town. But they can't get into it, right? They like knock on the door, but it's like five in the morning. Nobody's there. So they can't get inside. So because at this point they're like, all right, Prince Bonaparte, what do we do now? Like you brought us here. And we tried another thing and that didn't work either. He throws the flag. Throw it. I just throw it onto the pole. So he freezes up in panics and then the garrison troops start to march on them and all of his men like break and run like a motherfucker. So some of them get caught fleeing. Some of them get shot. Most of them wind up retreating with the one-of-be emperor to the beach. Lewis Napoleon, as soon as they get to the beach, the first thing he does when his men are like, what now? Is he tries to blow his brains out with his handgun? An honorable death for an honorable attempt. He is less capable of shooting himself than he was that one random French soldier though. So it fails and he runs away. A bunch of his men flee into the water when the French soldiers get there. A lot of these guys drown. Several more get shot to death in a hail of French gunfire. One of the guardsman calls it, quote, a regular duck shoot. The prince is hit by a bullet, but survives because his uniform is like thick and wet and it stops the bullet. Bullets were not as good back then. No, you could see people in mouths and they believe in stuff. Yeah, exactly. So Lewis Napoleon was rescued from drowning by national guardsman who like save his life and then take him into custody. He spends most of the first minutes he's captured talking about how much he wants to kill himself. Otherwise he's bleeding here, put some money on it, put some money on the bleeding wall. Put some dollars, shove some money in his mouth. So that's not a great coup. That does not work out well. That's about as unsuccessful a coup as I've ever heard about. Yeah, that is aegon his face. And that one guy's mouth. You really couldn't fail much worse at trying to take over France than he does here. An incredible failure. And you got to give it to him because like he had the vision, you know, he said, well, you know, what if we go there? Yeah. And he didn't he didn't think about beyond that. He just was like, no, then we advance, was he just walk? That's just walking. Yeah. And then he just kind of like, if you've ever I don't know, assume like been in a situation where you try to do something, you just assume. You'll know how to do it, but you've never done it before. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know, you go off-roading for the first time and like figure you know how to handle, you know, a real muddy path or something. Or drive a stick shift. Drive a stick shift, right? Try to figure it out on the go. Can it be? And then like lie on a job interview to try to like get a gig. Right. Yeah. He just, he just he just does that with trying to be the emperor of France. Yeah. And he, you know, like honestly, I think he could have done it in that attempt if he had just not shot that guy in the mouth and fucking got to drunk. If he hadn't been drunk, if he had again, you should probably like train for a little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. Yeah. Practice and stuff and people knew him. This guy's primary life experience is getting his brother killed in Italy. Right. You might want other training. OG Napoleon didn't have a colonel going, but I don't know you. Yeah. Like that. No, he would have ever said that to him. No, he would have ever said that. No. Oh boy. Yeah. You know who does know you, Matt? Who? The production services that support our podcast. They've known you since before you were born. Yeah. They know you very well. When you quickened in your mother's womb, blue apron and all of the other Casper mattress they knew you. They saw you. They loved you. Eli Lilly Company. Eli Lilly. You like Lilly. You wrapped you in its spiritual embrace before you were even a fetus. Exactly. They knew your soul when it was still part of the Firmament of Heaven. They are my soul. You can do the least you can do. Spend some money. I loved spending money. Where are we going? Why are we? What are you doing? You trying to get Matt to plug his plugables? Is that what's happening? No, I was doing ads. You've done all your ads. Oh, have I? Well, then I guess the fucking episode is over, Sophie. Yes, that was my point. Let's do some ads anyways, though. I thought you were promoting Matt. I was like, okay. I also love that Matt got an e-mail. I really love. Yeah, I'm here to promote my new podcast, Pod Yourself, and Insulin, and Pod Yourself, and Insulin. Yeah. And where we charge, astronomical amounts for insulin. I'm going to be honest with you. I have an ethical problem with insulin. Yeah. Yeah. Hormone therapy is the devil's play thing. That's right. Absolutely. That's right. You got it. Matt Walsh convinced me of this. That's right. Look, again, if you got diabetes, that's God's way of saying, hey, you're allergic to living. Look, God said it called it diabetes because you're not supposed to survive it. Exactly. It's not liverbeauties. It's not life. It's not life. Oh boy. Wow. Anyways, you should give Matt a five stars because he is a baby. I have a baby. Give it five stars. Five stars in a review. You're self the wire or if you like the sopranos, put yourself a gun. We covered all of the sopranos. I'm going to try something, Matt. I'm going to try something for your baby. Oh, it is. You know, somewhere around like a millionish people listening, you know, as to an episode or so in general. I'm going to try. I'm going to try because who knows who's listening? Look, if you're out there and you're a crazy rich person with a bunch of gold and abacement, send all that gold to Matt lead. Absolutely. Have it in the right hand. Somebody out there has got gold and abacement. You don't need it. Give it to Matt Leab and his baby. What do you need it for? You don't need it. I have a baby. I have a mouse to be. You got a baby. Send me that gold. Send me that gold. slash I have a baby.htm. That's your sub stack, right? That's my sub stack. That's my dot vodka. Yeah, dot vodka. And if you can't remember all that, slash broadcast. That is the umbrella podcast of all the pot yourself a gun, pot yourself the wire. That is the OG, where me and Vince Mancini, who you should have on here. He's a wonderful film critic and a beautiful little Italian man. Now what are the odds? Do you know if he might be related to boom boom mancini, the boxer who killed, duck cook him? I don't know if he is related to any notable mancini's. I think there's like one. Ask him. Ask him. Ask him. You can to boom boom mancini. There's a pretty, pretty good Warren Z Ivans song about his relative in that case. Okay. I'm going to ask him about it, but I definitely asked him if he was related to Mancini of Mancini's sleep world, which is a great mattress store in the San Francisco Bay area. And he is not. Haven't seen it. He's not, he's not related to Henry Mancini, the guy who wrote Moon River, which great song. What if boom boom mancini fought the mancini who wrote Moon River? Do you think he would also kill that guy? Probably. I think he could kill whatever mancini wanted to. I'm going to kill Vince. Well there you go. Anyway, we at Behind the Basterds will check out to see if Vince Mancini wants to do a podcast and is related to the guy from the Warren Z Ivans song. Check out Pod yourself a gun. Check out Matt Leib on the internet and send him your gold. Please. My novel after the revolution, wherever books are sold and live stream. Oh, shit. Sophie, do the live stream, Ad please. God. Well, look how I knew it. We at Behind the Basterds are doing a live stream virtual show on December 8th with Margaret Killjoy. You can find tickets. The link to tickets in the description. You can find the link to tickets on our socials and it's slash BTB. Yeah. Check it out. I'm going to watch. So am I. Well, you're going to have to. Oh, well, yeah, that's true. All right. Go with Christ, my children. Bye. Behind the Basterds is a production of Cool Zone Media. For more from Cool Zone Media, visit our website or check us out on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Save on money and stress this Black Friday. The Robo Rockest 7 Max V Robotic Vacuum with Mop recognizes and avoids hazards like wires, shoes and even petways. It has 5100 Pascal suction to give it powerful vacuuming performance on carpet and hard floors and features an empty wash filled dock which is self-emptying, self-washing, self-cleaning and self-refilling. For more from November 24th to December 4th and get $340 off your purchase of the Robo Rockest 7 Max V Ultra, unleash a new level of floor cleaning automation at Amazon or Robo Accredited, affordable, quality. That's St. James School of Medicine, one of the most affordable international medical schools. St. James School of Medicine has launched the careers of more than 600 successful residents and physicians practicing throughout the USA and Canada. Spring enrollment is now open and MCAN is optional. Check out slash Spring 2023 to learn more. That's slash Spring 2023. St. James School of Medicine, your future, our promise. Tonight Try Natal, America's never-one drug-free sleep aid brand. Natal Melaton and gummies are made with clean ingredients to help reset your natural sleep cycle for less interrupted sleep because a good night's sleep makes your next day your best day. Natal Melaton and gummies sleep tonight live tomorrow. Melaton and health with occasional sleeplessness be statements of not being evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent diseases.