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Hello, I'm Erica Kelly from the podcast Southern Fried True crime, and if you want to go from podcast fan to podcast host, do what I did and check out spreaker from iheart. I was working in accounting and hating it. Then after just 18 months of podcasting with Spreaker, I was able to quit my day job. Follow your podcasting dreams, let's break or handle the hosting, creation, distribution, and monetization of your podcast. Go to spreaker.com. That's spreaker.com. Wanna say I don't know less? Listen to stuff you should know more. Join host Josh and Chuck on the podcast packed with fascinating discussions about science, history, pop culture and more episodes. Dive into topics like was the lost, city of Atlantis Real? And how does pizza work? Say goodbye to I don't know. Because after listening to stuff you should know you will listen to stuff you should know on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there, it's Ebony Monet, your co-host for the San Diego Zoo's Amazing Wildlife podcast. In this special episode, we're speaking with Doctor Jane Goodall about the fascinating journey that led to her impactful behavioral discoveries on chimpanzees. It wasn't until one of the chimpanzees began to lose his fear of me, but I began to really make discoveries that actually shook the scientific world. Listen to amazing wildlife on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. What's increasingly emotionally shattered from the collapse of civilization and constant exposure to violence? My. Hi, this is Robert Evans. True. Yeah, only so we started, we started the show now, yeah, we. Beginning of the episode Chris, you could edit out that part where I said I cry all the time and just start with Robertson Trill. Also listeners. I cry all the time. Ohh, good stuff. Good stuff. I was gonna say it's a really good start. It's vulnerable, it's honest, it's raw. It's relatable. I could go on. Someone interrupts me. It's a bit like, well, so you gotta go edge to it. Little bite, little bite. Your ability. Yeah, it feels like we started recording before we were ready. If I'm we did, we did. But that's the first rule of broadcasting is to never be prepared or ready or competent, ever. Never check and check. So this is behind the ********. It's normally a podcast about the worst people in all of history. But you know, sometimes we like to have a little bit of fun and and this is going to be a fun one because we're we're diving back into Ben Shapiro's just. Unfathomably poorly written fiction. Novel, true allegiance. This would be about three years of failure of prose. Our listeners could see the beatific smile that spread across Roberts face as he was talking about the fun we will have today. Yeah, we need this. It's nice to see some joy through the screen. That smile is me thinking about the time Ben Shapiro wrote in a character that was the captain of the high school football team and no one knew his name. Nobody knew his name. No one knew his name. I mean, how could you? How could you know the star football player's name? Look at the back of his jersey. I don't know. Surely not that. Nothing like that. Ohh God in heaven, so you may want to watch the first. Listen to the first couple of episodes but your podcast. I didn't know. I I forget regularly because of all of the repeated exposure to police munitions I know. Leah, when we left off, there was a fun moment where the character that Ben wrote in as the Governor of Texas, whose name is Bubba. Bubba. Bubba, yeah, was talking to the character who is clearly based on Ben Shapiro's own wife, who was the wife of the character that Ben wants to be. Who was the the the bear of a man, combat General Brett Hawthorne. And anyway, Ellen, his wife. And the governor, we're having a conversation about how, how bad it is to be a governor that the federal government refuses to support during a massive emergency that requires the mobilization of all resources. And yeah, we were enjoying the irony of that of of of how Ben actually landed when such a thing happened for real. And now we're going to move on to the next chapter, which is a chapter about Soledad, who, if you remember, is our. She's that rancher who's supposed to be Cliven Bundy, but like 50 in Hispanic and and a lady. Yeah. Really turning that stereotype on its heels. Yeah, because you can't call her racist. If he writes in a Hispanic character, then it's not racist, right? Exactly. Feminist for you, Ben. Non racist. Ben Shapiro. Yes, that's he. He's he's he's he's got it. Wait, what chapter are we on now? It's like 7 or 8. OK, something like that, yeah? We're several chapters and too many chapters in too many. More than one. More chapters than this book should have had because it should never have been written. It should have stayed in Ben Shapiro's little head, when he needed to feel like a big man. He could. He could think about the fake combat general that he invented to make himself feel tall. Yeah, yeah. And the the short terrorists and the short little the the terrorists who are all short. Yes, yes. Good people are tall. Terrorists are short, except for bad black people who are all also very large. That is the world that Ben Shapiro has created. That is the that is the. That is the cosmology of the moral universe in Ben Shapiro's head. Sounds complicated, but really it's quite simple. Really simple rules, yeah. OK, so it starts with Soledad waking up to a knock on her door at 2:00 in the morning. And you know, there's a Bundy type standoff going on at her ranch because she's not paying taxes. Because the taxes and the the all the evil government stuff makes it impossible for her ranch to actually work. And anyway, there's this. So there's a bunch of motorcycle gangsters and militia people calling themselves Soledad soldiers and they're all hanging out and guarding her house from the feds. But they're starting to like soldier dads. Ohhh, that would have been that would have been it. That would have been it. Man. Pam? Alright, it's fine. Yeah, so yeah, they've cut off her power and yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's it's a bad situation for Soledad, she says. Oh, that. We get a little bit of talk about the some right wing media folks here. Yeah, even the occasional big media spread didn't seem to lift her too much anymore. She felt like the whole game was rigged. She was either hero or villain. She was always the story, never Emilio and Juan. It was always Chris Matthews on the nightly news calling her a traitor or Michael Savage calling her a freedom fighter. It was always one or the other. Yeah, I imagine Chris Matthews would declare he didn't call Cliven Bundy a traitor. Who does he think Chris Matthews is? He's getting confused. Rampaging leftist Christmas Matthews. Is Ben Shapiro suggesting that, like, there needs to be more nuance in how people are described, like, he calls so many people pure evil every day? Yeah, well, and and she's saying, you know, soledad's angry Emilio and Juan. If you remember, she had to lay off her best worker and he moved to Los Angeles, where his son was immediately killed in a gang. She said that's right, instantly. Well, yeah, that's how it works. Yeah, because Ben Shapiro understands the chunk of the city literally 30 to 45 minutes away from where he lives. And 1/2 in traffic. Yeah. ******* great, right? What? You know, right? What? You know the chunk of the city you live in that you have never ever in your entire life visited because it scares you very much to think about, right? Like the rule. Because they're right. What? You know? OK, well, I don't know any black people's names, so I can't name this. I can't name. So I'm just gonna say that no one knows his name. Right. What? You know, not being able to call the black people in my life by their names because I never bothered to learn them. I do know that I will write about that ******* bit. Awesome. So soledad's, you know, in this standoff with the government and everyday, like the kind of militia that's that's arrayed to defend her peels away a little bit, you know, because people can't can't hang out all the time. But the SWAT team stays there. And eventually, as things start to dwindle, she gets a knock on the door. In the early morning and quote, a SWAT officer stood there, his gun down by his side. When she opened the screen door, he sidled in without permission, holding his right arm out, Palm facing her. Signaling for her to keep quiet, he shut the door stealthily behind him. Ohh I love yeah, cause SWAT teams, they're they, they got all that stealth door closing training. Like unreal. Like just from like the reality of it. Like, OK then no, no, he didn't. But also like, what a poorly written sentence. Like it's terrible. It's a terrible sentence still. I mean it's good for like 10th grade. Yeah, it's it's yeah, yeah. Good point. This was a 10th grader, I would say what a precocious 10th grader who, you know, needs someone to sit down with him and tell him how to write well. But he's got he's got the, he's got the ***** you know, he's got the ***** he's got the desire, he's got it down on the pages. Half the battle, the other half of the battle was knowing when not to publish something. Yeah, still fighting that battle everyday, huh, Ben? Ben lost that battle for a while. You're dying to know what he what he's there for. Well, he he puts his he places his weapon gently on the dining room table. When he took off his helmet, she noticed his bright blue eyes. They stood out more because they were. They stood out more because they were red rimmed. Whether from lack of sleep or from crying, she couldn't tell. The man stood no more than 5 foot ten. Well built Caucasian, a thatch of must. Brown hair stood neatly on end. He moved forward quickly and grabbed her by the arm. She could feel his powerful grip through her thick rope. Why would she do that? That's a weird it's not how you OK, you need to get out of here, he growled. Now. He growled. He growled quietly. He growled quietly and gently. Gently, like a bear. Like she pushed his hand off her arm. He pushed his hand off her arm, stood up to her. Full 5 foot two bin is just obsessed with people's heights. I'm not going anywhere. Wait, wait, wait. Did he just say 5 foot two? He sure did. Wait, wait, that was 5 foot 2. Who cares what? As I thought it was 5 foot 10 and well, no, he's 5 foot 10, she's 5 foot two. OK, so we know that there's like a sizeable difference between them. That's why it's important. Great story, Ben. Like, she's been a character in this book already. This, like, after multiple appearances, by the way, she's 5 two. Yeah. What a bad writer. What a bad writer. So she's like, I'm not gonna go anywhere. And he's like, I don't think you understand, Mr Ramirez. They're coming for you tonight. So this is the this is the good SWAT team guy, the decent, the decent cop who's like, I've got a Warner. The They're the the Feds are coming in to murder this, this brave patriot. She looked at the SWAT member, puzzled. Why are you helping me? My cookies can't be that good, he laughed softly. Maybe they are a pause, or maybe I'm just sick of watching people get pushed around. Whatever it is, you need to get out of here tonight. Good. I thought that was masterful. Yeah, yeah. So we learned his name is Aiden Foster. What a wrong name? And she tells she. She tells Aiden. You ready to be a traitor, Aiden. He shrugged. She walked over to one of the cabinets, opened it, took out a jar where we might as well split a cookie on that. *** **** it. Oh my God, I ******* hate Ben Shapiro so much. Such bad writing. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Share a cookie. Ohh God dammit Ben, it's yeah. So OK they they they they they do the cookie bit for a little while. They do the cookie bit for a little while. They try to like really natural interactions like human beings do. Oh Jesus. So they're they're they're attempted escape. Seems like a horrible idea. Immediately she loads some stuff up in a backpack and and heads out with this SWAT team guy and one of his team members. Like. Sees that they're doing this, and so Aiden throws a smoke grenade and then starts firing wildly. Is how Ben describes it. My God, too high to hit anyone. He heard at least two men curse and scatter in the distance. He could see the lights of the choppers flash on. He dropped. By the way, we've just switched to Aiden Foster's viewpoint from Soledad's viewpoint because Ben does that in the middle of chapters that are supposed to be viewpoint chapters from characters, because he's a good writer. Does he OK? My gosh. OK. Does he have at least at least? Is it like there's a page break and some asterisks? No. It's really jarring and weird and badly don't really like the next paragraph is just now we're in Aiden's point of view. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's that's how it feels. Yeah, that's definitely how it feels. We can't be. It's an action time, right? They're having a gun fight and we can't. We can't be in a woman's perspective during a gunfight. Of course not. Yeah. Right. So that's so awkward and weird. That's yeah. I think that he made me, maybe didn't even notice he was doing probably for the exact reason that you just said. Like, yeah, on his subconscious, kicks in and he immediately changes the perspective, right. Like, well, surely she can't describe it. Yeah. And it's OK. I hope I find it. Well, I guess I find it disappointing that when he said that he was shooting too high for it to hit anything, that he didn't say how many feet and inches it was. Yeah, no, of course not. That that would have been. That would have been good to know. We always need to know the exact that's higher than everybody. Come on, be consistent. It is cool that one of Soledad or yeah, somebody yells at the cops. Go to hell, you fascist ********. That's fun. Yeah, so big, you know? And now, now a fight starts with her militia and all the cops, and Aiden Foster tries to get her, you know, tells her, ma'am, I recommend we get out of here as sniper bullets Zing around them, we get another moment where we learn again, yet again, that Ben does not understand anything about firearms because he refers to the rounds being shot at them as heavy caliber 7.62 millimeter rounds, which I assume means he's referring to like 762 by 51 NATO. Which is essentially 308, which is a sizable bullet, but is also legally a handgun round. So that's fun. I mean, yeah, what an idiot. And I yeah. Totally. I was going to say I was going to say that, but yeah, it's it's silly. It's it's just, it's, well, he's also the guy who, whenever guns are brought up, like, libs don't understand guns. They don't even know what they mean when they talk about like, well, Ben. It's not a heavy caliber. It's it's an it's a normal caliber. It's like a full size rifle caliber, but it's it's anyway. Whatever. *******. I I I'm splitting hairs now, but I know it matters to Ben that he be seen as understanding guns. It matters to him that you know that he's wrong about this. Yes, yes, yes, I did. It does so OK, yeah, yeah. Do you have a plan? She yelled at Foster above the ear splitting. Wine of the bullets? Hell no, he said. But I'll bet they do in the distance. The cavalry. It's coming. Soledad soldiers. At least a dozen dozen bearded, gun toting men on their steel horses riding directly towards the swap lines. She could see it in the distance. Pickets hog charge, comparing them to Confederate cavalry. That's good. That's that's fun. Yeah, the good guys here. On my head's gonna ******* explode, ohboy ohboy. So the SWAT happened, formed up, and turned to face them, guns at the ready. Which is when the chopper began to groan. It sputtered, crackled, and then dropped to the ground right at the swap lines. It spiraled out of control, scattering the swap. I don't know, because Ben is a terrible ******* writer. Wait, so the helicopter crashed? Yeah, it's it sure does. Nervous? Yeah. It kills all the SWAT guys. They're crying for their mothers. Ben writes that in Soledad's, horrified as they burned to death. Yeah, what? This is So what? They get out of there because the chopper randomly falls out of the sky and kills all the SWAT team? No, no, it turns out. I think. I think what happens is Aiden Foster, the SWAT team member who just couldn't see her get killed, shot the helicopter out of the air. Still own men. Wait, so he switches? He switches the narrative to talk from Aiden's point of view. Yeah, but cannot describe Aiden doing that to the helicopter. No, of course not. OK, just, no, we're left to, we're left to piece that together after it gets shot out of the sky. And if he didn't do that, and if we were, if it was solidad describing the thing, it would make sense that she doesn't know what's happening. Oh no, the helicopter fell out. And then she looks back and she sees him with, you know, smoke curling out of the barrel of his rifle and tears in his eyes, you know? But no, because Ben is, again, very bad at writing. What's clear to me I I'm probably, I'm sure I've I've said this at other times. He's just so clearly riding something that he wants to have made into a movie. Like, I'm not even thinking about this as a book. He's like, all this will look tight. Yeah, and there's no way. There's no yeah. The hardest thing when you're when you're writing fiction like this is maintaining an understanding of space, of geography, of where things are and and making it clear to the reader where things are. Especially in an action scene like that, it's hard to do. And Ben doesn't even really try. Like, we have no idea. As these bikers are rushing towards these swap lines, we know clear idea where the SWAT lines are, what they look like, you know, are there fortifications? What direction are these guys coming from? Where were they before that allows them to be like charging at the SWAT team? Like none. No attempt is made to make that clear. Just like no attempt is made to let us know what has actually happened to the helicopter because Ben is a terrible writer or why nobody knows that kid's name. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's all, like, it's all like, weird, like his idea of what tropes are like a lot of they're not even like tropes necessarily. It's like, oh, and then he says, like, they they they do like a cookie bit, right? Yeah, people do. The cookie stuff is yeah. I do want to see this movie, though. Yep, Yep. So yeah. Aiden foster bodily picked her up and put her on a motorcycle behind one of the militiamen. She clung to his leather jacket as he twisted again. Wait a minute. Where did you get a letter jacket? That was a SWAT guy. What? What? Yeah. OK, so basically what happens is a gun. There's a gun fight going on now. A bunch of the SWAT guys are dead, and now the, the, the the militiamen are having a gunfight with the surviving SWAT guys. And Aiden foster, you know, it puts her on the puts her on the back of a motorcycle. To be spirited away to safety, and just to give you an idea of how badly this paragraph is written, we start first sentence of the paragraph. Foster bodily picked her up and put her on a motorcycle behind one of the militiamen. She clung to his leather jacket as he twisted the throttle and peeled out, spinning it like, oh so it's a militia man's leather jacket. It's a militia man who is the second he in this after we start. Really bad sentence. Ohh questions so unclear. Britain, yeah, yeah, because he's a bad writer. He's a terrible, terrible writer. Oh, when you said bodily, is it bodily? Like Bo DIY or like bodily? Is that even a word? Like BODILY? Yeah, yeah. He bodily picked her up. As if there's another way to pick someone up. Picked up. God, how? How else would you pick someone up **** bodily, like, cut like 30% of the words you're using. Could you, could you pick? Maybe you just pick them up by the ankle and lift their whole body. But just by the ankle and so then your ankley picking them up. I don't know. I never his hands to bodily pick her up with against Gravity's will. God. God dammit, Ben Shapiro, you are horrible at the thing that clearly matters more to you than anything else. Anything. Yeah. Ah, good God, yeah. So the last paragraph of this terrible chapter. Don't look back, Soledad whispered to herself. Don't look back. But she did. Just long enough to see in the distance some of the flaming men go out, leaving nothing but smoking chars of flesh is horrible sentence, horrible sentence. But she did, just long enough to see, In the distance, some of the flaming men go out, leaving nothing but. Smoking charts. Have you made-up that many comments? You made-up that punctuation? King did not. That is how big that is. Ben Shapiro constructing a sentence? I don't think he hasn't. He's only like he he writes sentences as if he's only heard of grammar by it being like described to him by a witch doctor around a ******* fire. Like it's he obviously doesn't have an editor. Do you like red? You like Reddit? Chuck Palnik book and he's like, wow, all of Chuck sentences are like 3 words long and they're all these periods. I should Oh my God. Hey, do you wanna know who does have have an editor this podcast and it's time to do an ad break. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless starting at just 15 bucks a month. And now for the plot twist. Nope, there isn't one. Mint Mobile just has premium wireless from 15 bucks a month. There's no trapping you into a two year contract. You're opening the bill to find all these nuts fees. There's no luring you in with free subscriptions or streaming services that you'll forget to cancel and then be charged full price for none of that. For anyone who hates their phone Bill, Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for just $15.00 a month. Mint Mobile will give you the best rate whether you're buying one or for a family and at Mint. Family start at 2 lines. All plans come with unlimited talk and text, plus high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. 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Option it's convenient, accessible, affordable, and it is entirely online. You can get matched with a therapist after filling out a brief survey, and if the therapist that you get matched with doesn't wind up working out, you can switch therapists at any time. When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com behind today to get 10% off your first month. That's better helpp.com/behind betterhelp.com/behind. My name is Erica Kelly and I am the host and creator of Southern Freight true crime. There are so many people that just have no idea about some injustices in the world, and if you can give a voice to them, you can create change. To be able to do it within podcasting is just such a gift. I believe it was 18 months after I got on with Spreaker that I was making enough that I could quit my day job. It was incredible. I always feel like an ambassador for speaker, but that's because I'm passionate about podcasting. It's really easy to use. I always tell people I am so not tech. Took me 5 minutes to get comfortable with speaker, and when I find a new friend that has an incredible show, I want them to make money. I want them to be able to do what I did. Follow your podcasting dreams. Let's break your handle the hosting, creation, distribution, and monetization of your podcast. Go to spreaker.com. That's spreaker.com. Get paid to talk about the things you love with spreaker from iheart. We're back. Every time we every time we do one of these bench Shapiro episodes. I'm nervous at the start that I'll just be like reading you guys a chapter and nothing entertaining will happen. And every time I am immediately reminded, no, Ben is just bad enough that this will never not be fun to do. Absolutely 100%. There's always some sort of a treasure buried in here. Yeah, not even buried. Just sitting on the surface, waiting on the surface. Just like. You're trying to you're trying to clean a a pool with one of those little scooters, but it's just like, ohh, there's gold everywhere. Yeah, so our next chapter of everyone's gonna be excited about this. We're back with Levon, our our gang leader, who's friends with, obviously, an Al Sharpton insertion and who, if you'll remember last time, paid a black child to get murdered by a cop. Because that's the only way such a situation could ever occur. Friends. Good God. Shapiro? Ah, just the like. The nature of his racism is so much more offensive to me. And obviously I'm a white guy, but it's so much more offensive to me than like an actual straight up Klans member because at least that guy really knows he's a racist. Whereas Ben Shapiro is certain that he is doing the opposite of racism well-being shockingly racist. So it's so fascinating and frustrating to watch every sentence. It's like, how do you not? I mean, you know, he knows. At some level he knows. Yeah, Levon felt the air around him crackle with energy. It was something he had felt before, just before a fight, the switch that went off in the brain, that notched the senses higher and made them more sensitive than Oh my God, making a number of things clear. Can't be right there in the same sentence he said before, twice within like 5 words. He absolutely did. It's a terrible sentence. And also clear evidence that Ben has never in his life been in a fight. Yeah. Oh God. OK, so here the switch that went off in the brain that matched the census higher made them more sensitive. Next sentence, the adrenaline flowing through the veins. That's the whole sentence, the adrenaline flowing through the veins. No, it's been, it's just, it's just the narrator in Fight Club doing his little like half sentences because like, that's the style we're doing. God, yeah, the feeling that you'd burst from the inside out if the fight didn't commence. And right quick. God's making it sound very animalistic, isn't he? Ohhh yeah, he's. Oh my God, everything right? All books. *** **** it. Thing. He can't do anything. It's just remarkable. Yeah, what the ****? OK, so this felt like those fights multiplied exponentially. That's because Levon knew he wasn't alone this time. It wasn't multiplied. Multiplied exponentially. There's so, there's it's so dense, like, there's so many layers that we don't have shittiness of this, right? I don't want to like, parse every single like five word phrase, but my God. But by God, we have to. We just have. That's because Levon knew that he wasn't alone this time. It wasn't him taking on some gang rival or him debating some white Republican club sucker at EU. Yeah. ******* pen. This is going to be flames and blood and struggle and power. This was going to be death and mayhem and hope and glory. This was going to be ******* big. All Levon needed was the cue. He discussed the queue ahead of time with the Reverend. It would come on television during a press conference big gym planned to hold with the mayor in the aftermath of the Kendrick Malone killing the killing of another. It's bad. It's real bad. Yeah, the killing of another young, innocent black man at the hands of the racist white establishment. The police targeting a kid, an unarmed kid for God's sake, just because he happened to be black and happened to be out at night at the wrong time. The shooting had worked out precisely according to the plan. Levi had one of his boys give little Kendrick a $20 bill to go and harass the cop. Kendrick, of course, thought it was just a piece of good, clean fun. Messing with white cops was a rare joy. Made you feel like more of a man and with all the big boys telling him how he'd be a boss. In the neighborhood. If he baited the cop, he'd been enthusiastic. He probably looked forward to coming home and telling his buddies how he told that cracker *** pig to go to hell, stared right at him and cursed him to his face, made the pig back down. Kendrick knew he was supposed to go for his toy gun. They told him it would be a joke, that the cop wouldn't do anything, that the cop would ***** out. Of course, Levon knew better. No cop could sit still. When somebody went for the waistband police procedure dictated what happened next. Which Ben, you're. They almost got something there. He almost realized something there. So he got a little too close and then backed away from it. Maybe a system in which the only possible response to a child pulling out a toy gun is murder has some problems. What I hate about this is that. He is not aware of it. He's like getting so close and he just he he thinks it's OK for a cop to pull out their gun in this situation. It's essentially what he's saying. Like we're tricking the cops into pulling their guns. No, they. They did it. They did the thing that they shouldn't do. They do. Yeah. No, it's just like the his the we talked about the last time. I think just like the conspiracy aspect of this is just so bizarre and like. Weirdly insulting like you could you could, yeah, a competent writer trying to have something similar happen. You know, have a have a have a black gang leader who attempts to use this as the the queue to spark an uprising. You could you could just have them try to make use of a normal police killing, which haven't happened. Just have it happening happened. That happened. It's a normal tragedy that then a person takes advantage of, right? Like that's like, that's yeah, closer to like what? How Ben views everything anyway. So, like, but why manufacture this weird like, everybody's, there's there's a conspiracy. Ben is such a bad writer that he can't even effectively advance his own ******** narratives because of his incompetence, right? It's like that's actually like an interest like that would be baseline interesting in terms of like art or like. Novel. Like, oh, wow, they're using this thing to do this thing. I disagree with this, but like this other thing I can, you can add, there's conflict there. Yeah. You could have like a like a black special forces veteran turned gang leader who's, like, has developed this deep hatred for the American Empire due to having his friends die and the PTSD he's accrued. And, you know, he's he's trained in actually setting up an insurgency. And then there's a murder by a police officer of a black kid, and he uses it as an opportunity to like, you know, set something into motion that will destroy this empire. And then you have an interesting character and you have an interesting situation and you can like, you can actually have a story, right? You are engaged in, like, actually struggle with because like some sort of, like Gray area and like, the morality and ethics are like, yeah, in conflict with each other. But he's just like, well, what if, like, he's just gonna go **** like, he's evil? Yeah, what if he's evil and he pays the the people to die? Going to die because they because they an 8 or 9 year old black boy living in the inner city wouldn't know that pulling a toy gun on a cop would very easily lead to his death. Wouldn't know the thing that literally every black boy in the entire nation knows literally happened. Like didn't this book come out like 2016? Yes, yes it did. Cody. Like it's Oh my God. God. Ah, it's amazing. So, and of course, because everything has to be ridiculously contrived. Levon didn't just set up the boy encountering the cop, he destroyed all of the other cameras. But one in the neighborhood that had the right angle for the the shot he wanted to have played on a nightly TV. One angle, one tape, 1,000,000 replays on nightly news. The headline writers couldn't help themselves. 8 year old unarmed black Boy shot dead by white cop, blared the free. Press murderer, screamed the headline on the New York Daily News. Yes, oht. Ben knows how headlines is writ. Yeah, well, the phrase 1,000,000 replays on the nightly news isn't a thing. Those words don't go together. You know, Cody, it's absolutely not a thing. That's not how the nightly news works. 1,000,000 replays on nightly news is not a sun. But I I think what we're all getting is that literally the only thing that Ben Shapiro understands is being Ben Shapiro, a boy who was plucked out by right wing billionaires to write nonsense on the Internet when he was a child. And only. Understands writing right wing nonsense for the Internet and getting paid millions of dollars. Yes. Yeah, right. It was. It's that and the combination of wanting to be like a TV writer and not doing that. And so he's bad at it. He's bad at everything. I just thought of all of his super fanboys that have read his books and they're like, have you read Shapiro's book? It's so good. I just know it's true. I I don't. I don't think a single person has had that experience. I don't even think Ben Shapiro fans could possibly enjoy this ******* book. It's it's so bad. Yeah. So yeah. And then Robert. Hastily read the words with his eyes and then his hilariously ocular early he looked at. CNN headline the case the entire day and the next one as well. Over on MSNBC, the talking heads could barely conceal their excitement. On Fox News, a few anchors urged caution, while others talked of the legacy of racist policing across the country. The President obviously has to get involved in this, and he he tells Americans the time has come for a great racial conversation in this country. Too many black boys have been murdered merely for the color of their skin. This must end. Which is obviously a bad thing to do. Controversial? Clearly. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, the President Obama doesn't know that the kid was paid money to die, so, no, of course not. It's not his fault. So, yeah, Levon is now waiting outside the Coleman a young municipal center named after the former mayor of the city, a man who'd been a racial pro in his own right. Don't know what that means. What? Does that mean you don't know what a racial Pro is? You didn't abbreviate that on your end. That's it's written out. It was. That's how that's written in the ******* buck. Oh, boy howdy. Good. Good God, what does it mean? So Levon says old Coleman's gonna make one more sacrifice in the name of racial justice if all goes according to plan. Yeah, boy howdy. So they're in front of the spirit of the spirit of Detroit statue, which Levon describes as looking like a constipated Nordic man. Yeah. Behind Levon stood a solid 3000 of his fellow Detroiters. Mostly young black men, Levon had sent out his boys to round up the crowd, and they had an easy time of it. After the media coverage facing the crowd protecting the statue, and a platform set set up just before it stood about 100 cops, Levon noticed a particular lack of weapons. He smiled to himself. Ben really understands how cops work. Yeah, the unarmed cops showing up to this event. Yeah, yeah, I was just last night, 200 people surrounded up or not surrounded, hung out outside of Portland police union headquarters. And yeah, they they they had a ton of weapons and use them on us because that's what cops do to crowds. Yeah, I like. I don't know. The first thing I thought when you said you reference calling his boys, I mean, just Ben's never had boys to call. No, that's so bad. He wishes he has a group of boys he could call. He would love to, he would love to. But unfortunately, Ben Shapiro is incapable of doing anything but writing garbage for the Internet. Ben's boys are Dennis Prager, that's who. That's who Ben's calling up. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, so Levon smiles when he notices how unarmed to the cops are. There's media all over the place interviewing the odd protester here. Yeah, the crowd's going to beat up a lot of people, including when live on. When he smiled, did it say he smiled quite happily. Lipoly lip, lip lip smiled monthly. Yeah, yeah. So he says that a couple of reporters are getting caught in the melee is just how it's going to have to be. If they were too well behaved, the media would dismiss them. A bit of blood got them hot under the collar. A bit of blood made the story hot. The way the media worked, the only way they pay attention was if somebody did something extreme. Then they defend the action, blame it on the overriding anger at an unfair society. I have to diagram the sentence out. This is a sentence. You lost me a little. I am reading a sentence to you. One sentence sometimes. It's like, is this one. And says, yeah, you're like, Oh yeah, like, what's this one? OK, OK. The way the media worked, the only way they'd pay attention was if somebody did something extreme dash and then they defend the action, blame it on overriding anger at an unfair society. OK, thank you for doing that. Oh my God. That's a sentence that Ben wrote. Yeah, thinking. That's a sentence. This is a real illuminating look into how he views the current moment in time. Ben is an editor for Olympic. He's a bad editor. Oh my God, who paid for this book to be like written down and then sold in incredible. Yeah, so Levon head has been ringing the edges of the crowd, ready to prevent any non approved persons from getting too close to the media members. No footage of fools he'd promised the reverend and he intended to keep his word tonight. Levon intended to be the face on the news already. He'd done his best. Malcolm X impression early Malcolm, not that late stage. Islam means peace, ***** **** for the networks. If we don't get what we want, he said, if we don't get justice for Kendrick, the city is going to burn. We've been burning silently for too long. Our poverty burns beneath the surface. Our ignorance burns beneath the surface. We've been left for dead in this city, just like black boys have been left for dead all over this country. And this country must pay a price if there is no justice. Ben Shapiro. Yeah, sorry. Yep. Oh, God, OK, I know the very next sentence. So the last thing that Levon says, and we're just left to assume he's talking to the media now because Ben doesn't actually make that clear here. But but we we can put that together. By by context clues. Yeah, yeah. So that sentence is, and this country may must pay a price if there is no justice. End of Levon sentence, next paragraph. The sexy blonde with the short skirt seemed turned on at that point. First we're hearing of her breathily the sexy blonde? What breathily? She asked. I hate it. I hate it. You. Ohh, you're so bad at writing. And what will justice look like? So he threw in a line. That's just the next sentence. So he threw in a line just for good measure. Justice will be done when people like you live in the mud you've made for us. Only then can we lift each other up her eyelashes flood fluttered. That **** was magic. Levon knew he'd learned it at the university, too. White coeds majoring in journalism? Where? A cinch. Just drag them off their civilized perch and let them experience life outside their self-proclaimed white privilege. And they let and they let you know that you'd be doing them a favor. This is so amazing. Amazing. Yeah, it's it's you can't even begin to unpack how bad that is. The writing awful. What it says about him, awful. Every other sentence in this is so fascinating on so many levels and like. I just want to give it. To like like his wife read this like. Do people in his life know? Like his his wife? His wife didn't his, so she definitely didn't. She's a doctor. She has things. Yeah. She has enough time. Yeah, exactly. I I think it's very clear that Bill bins editor didn't have time to read this. I know he's got other stuff to do. Yeah, we are the first people to read this. So the mayor shows up at the Nordic man statue to to address the crowd. Sorry. Real quick. You're saying it's his? Part of the chapter, right? It's not his chapter because it's his chapter. It's his chapter. It is. OK, so it's not a bouncy thing it might like, who knows? Next paragraph. This is a big Shapiro book. Yeah. So we meet the mayor. Mayor comes up here, he got his job after the last guy went to jail for being corrupt. Yeah, yeah. Now. He raped his pipe pasty white forehead with a handkerchief. He adjusted his glasses. He looked down at his notes. I his voice broke. I have just met with area leaders as well as civil rights leaders across the country. Why is the mayor meeting with them across the anyway? And I can say to all of you that our investigation will be full and fair and that justice will be done. What justice? Levon shouted at the top of his lungs. The shout rang out like a gun report and the cold night air justice will be done. The mayor continued. Officer Ricky O'Sullivan has been suspended from duty. Pending a full investigation, this deeply troubling incident has stirred the conscience of Americans from border to border. But I promise you, justice will not rest until the tragedy of Kendrick Malone. What justice, what justice, Levon was chanting now at the top of his lungs. A few scattered voices joined in. Mayor Burns, momentarily flustered, clutched at the pages of his prepared remarks. The voices grew pounding, angry, steady. What justice, what justice, what justice. Trying to be heard over the chant. Also terrible chant. Trying to be heard over the chant. The mayor continued. Now, Reverend Crawford began nodding softly until the tragedy of Kendrick. Malone has answered for with truth we must uncover all the facts. Burns suddenly stumbled backwards as a rock struck him in the scalp, almost in slow motion. His arm, yes, scalp. Is was a weird choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. In his scalp and almost in slow motion, his arms stretched for air, circling in a nearly comic pinwheel. He teetered on his heels for just a moment, did a few things. Number of things, yeah. So he falls and Ben lets us know that he has a large **** and he falls on it. And then, yeah, a bunch of people, the whole crowd starts throwing ****. Molotov cocktails start being tossed, sail over the the yeah, smash into the statue and and get on the cops. People get lit on fire. The cops shoot tear gas everywhere. Yeah, now we have a a big old, big old riot. This is not the first time he's described people being burned alive. Yeah, right. Like the thinks about these people. A bunch of people like burning alive at the end of that. Yeah, it's the most violent thing he can imagine. Yeah, because he hasn't ever seen violence, right? Like, he's like, it's gotta go, it's gotta go wild that they're on fire. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, if things start to go crazy, random gunshots and the crowd media members jabbering madly into their microphones, ducking, playing war correspondent and then Reverend Jim Crawford standing tall and proud in his immaculately tailored suit. So the ******* Al Sharpton guy gets up and yells at everybody to stop. And the street, the whole street goes. Alright, and the riot stops. And that's apparently the moment that Levon engineered was starting a riot that would then be stopped instantly by this reverend. Because everybody at the riot knew to take this one man's cue to stop rioting when they started rioting, because that's the way riots were. That's how things were on. Hush. Ben has been to riots, guys. He understands crowd psychology. He went to a college he did go to a college he did attend. You know who else went to college? Add Yep, the products and services that support this podcast. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless starting at just 15 bucks a month. And now for the plot twist. Nope, there isn't one. Mint Mobile just has premium wireless from 15 bucks a month. There's no trapping you into a two year contract. You're opening the bill to find all these nuts fees. There's no luring you in with free subscriptions or streaming services that you'll forget to cancel and then be charged full price for none of that. For anyone who hates their phone Bill, Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for just $15.00 a month. Mint Mobile will give you the best rate whether you're buying one or for a family. And it meant family start at 2 lines. All plans come with unlimited talk and text, plus high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any mint mobile plan and keep your same phone number along with all your existing contacts. 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Took me 5 minutes to get comfortable with spreaker, and when I find a new friend that has an incredible show, I want them to make money. I want them to be able to do what I did. Follow your podcasting dreams. Let's break your handle the hosting, creation, distribution, and monetization of your podcast. Go to spreaker.com. That's spreaker.com. Get paid to talk about the things you love. Spreaker from iheart. We are. We are back. We have returned. Oh good God, we have returned. Return Sally. OK, we return. Mentally, they have come back. Where in Tehran, Iran? America has fallen. The transformation from Dar Al Harb to Dar al Islam has begun. Mohammed watched, transfixed. Ibrahim emperor. Already? Sorry, go ahead, OK. It brought him a shamis. Eyes glowed brightly, as they always did when he was excited. It's literally just describing Emperor Palpatine. What? Yeah. Glowing yellow snake eyes. It was a peculiar quality that attracted many of his followers. They saw in that glow of fiery hope. Warm and consuming hope for a better world. The teacher, they said, brought hope. That's good, Ben. That he brought hope. They brought a fiery hope. The teacher brought hope. Thank you for telling us that three times a different way. God, read that again. Thought you were repeating yourself. No, no, no. They saw in that glow of fiery hope. Mormon consuming new sentence. Hope for a new world new sentence the teacher, they said, brought hope. Oh, oh, that. Ooh, that last one. Really? Maybe ohi. It's bad. You know, he's probably like, this is good, this is good, you, you. And you got this many hopes as possible. You have to really? That's good writing. Really. People love it when you when you repeat the same very basic point, repeat three times in the space of two sentences. That second one wasn't like egregious. Like, OK, you're like being repetitive and it's not great, but it's not like. He didn't. You know Ben? Ben is like a scholar of literature, and I think you know he he he's a big fan. You all know that that that famous Ernest Hemingway short story for sale. Baby shoes never worn because the baby's dead. The baby didn't get a chance to wear the shoes the baby never wore. The shoes that were bought for it. That that one. Yeah, that's perfect. Perfect story. Brett brevity, the soul of, I don't know, talking too much or whatever. OK, so here's I assume. I assume this is the teacher talking. Ben just jumps right into the quotations and we're kind of left to figure out that it's the teacher talking, but he doesn't say the teacher anyway. It's bad writing again. Today's attack is ensured that the crippled and weakened infidel giant that was the United States will never rise again. That's one sentence. The emptiness and degradation of that perverse country has been wiped away and the glorious reign of Allah has begun another sentence. Those that rejected Allah followed Vanities and Allah has destroyed them. Today, America has seen that those who reject Allah and hinder men from the path of Allah, their deeds will allow render astray. *** **** it, that's a sentence. Today, America has seen that those who reject Allah and hinder men from the path of Allah dash their deeds. Will Allah render astray? That's a sentence, bin. Is it though? Is it a sentence? Is not a sentence, Katie? Really quite unreal? These ******* people have to do with this. Hey, Ben, here's the thing that you might do as a writer writing about, you know, an Islamic extremist emir preaching listen to a single speech by one of these guys, of which there are thousands on the Internet to understand how they actually talk. Or just or just take from one of them. Take from my just literally a little bit sometimes that, like, writers can do that, Ben, but no. He he he's got a pretty good handle on how Islamic extremists talk. Yes. OK, so yeah, this goes on for a little while. Oh my God. A drop of sweat rolled down a shaman's craggy face and embedded itself in his scraggly beard. A Shami had lost weight in his three years in the mountains of Tora Bora, but he was finally putting it back on now that he was ensconced in his complex in Tehran. The government had granted it to him out of gratitude for his prior efforts against the Great Satan. With a yearly stipend, that. Enabled him to live comfortably, which is funny because of the whole Iran was fighting against Islamic anyway. Whatever, whatever, whatever. The actual history of Iran and Afghanistan does not matter at all because bin doesn't know it. There are so many things that have been offensive in these few brief chapters. And this is just so offensive to be writing about something that he knows nothing about, not a single solitary, *** **** thing about it. It's so grotesque. Yeah. No, no funny jokes here. Just well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, he does some, he does some evil Muslim talking. And, well, actually, we just, we just continued to describe. His his ******* room and ****. And it's it's bad. I just can't stand the the adjectives. I can't. No, they're horrible. They're horrible. The watery sweat dripped down his craggy face, and it was scraggly beard in his pointed chin, just like just uh, whatever. It doesn't matter. Who cares? Yeah, a shot. He pointed at the camera. Mohammed, his youngest recruit and attractive boy of 17, struggling to grow a scraggly beard, only way Ben knows how to describe a Muslim beard. Have you seen any of these guys? They're not scraggly beards. They have really ******* big beards. Been. It's kind of the thing. It's like, Oh my God. So, like, he he really wanted to grow a scraggly beard. That's the goal. No, he he's a ******* little kid. He wants to grow a beard, and he beat, yeah, any beard, and he's he's an Islamic extremist, which means he wants one of those big, full beards that they put, like, ******* orange dye in, because that's what they ******* do. There's a million pictures of these guys like scraggly. Is it something he would the the kid would think? Yeah, it's what Ben thinks of their beards. Yeah, because because a full beard is something Ben considers Manly and is probably angry that he cannot grow himself. And so Islamic extremists have to have scraggly beards like the ones that Ben Gross. That's my theory. That's it. Well, like, I mean, it's that it's a lot of it comes down to that one tweet of his right ear. Israelis like to build stuff. Arabs like to live in sewage and bomb crap. He thinks they all live in dirt, so they look like dirt. And they have scraggly beards because that means they're they live in dirt. Can't even get beards, right? They're primitive fire. Yeah, like God, it's it's amazing. OK, so he's talks to Mohammed about how they're going to the weapons we got from the infidels in Iraq will be deployed, which I think is Saddam's weapons of mass destruction, which you, if you remember, will in place. So these are, these are Sunni extremists who were in Afghanistan, presumably with al Qaeda, and are now in Shia Iran, which did, to be fair, happen a few times. But it was never a particularly comfortable arrangement for anybody involved. And they have are getting. Access to through kind of an unclear provenance, the weapons of mass destruction that Saddam Hussein had spirited out of Iraq and into. I think it was either Iran or Syria. None of it makes any sense to anyone who, like, has even the vaguest level of understanding of Middle Eastern politics. But this is what's happening. Yeah, Mohammed bin great. I mean, awful. Awful. Yeah. Yeah. Also, like, if Iran is on board with this sort of thing, they have chemical weapons. Like, you don't have to have Saddam, but whatever, you have to have Saddam have had the weapons because then it justifies the war in Iraq. Yeah, yeah, Mohammed bit his lip rashami sad. I see that you are worried, he said. Do not fear does not the Koran by his lip through a scraggly beard. Does not the Koran say those who have said are Lord is Allah and then remained on our right course, the Angels will descend upon them saying do not fear and do not grieve but receive good tidings of paradise. Again, so offended. Not super relevant quote, Ben. Just like picking something. Yeah, yeah. It's like it's like literally a quote saying like, yeah, if you're on the right course, God will will make you feel good about it, but not a particularly, I don't know. It's not the kind of thing that you would quote to somebody in a moment like this, I don't think, but I think it just demonstrates him not caring enough to do real research. No. He Googled a single passage from the Koran that he felt like was vaguely appropriate and threw it in there. So yeah. Do, do, do. The sound of the afternoon. Wezen wafted into the room. He took a deep breath and then pulled us disposable cell phone and dialed. A man's voice answered at the other end, he spoke with a thick Russian accent. Yes, he said. Yes, in a thick Russian accent. Tomorrow is, Shami said, then hung up abruptly. That's their conversation. He turned to Mohammed. Go. Mohammed and Allah will go with you as Mohammed left a Shami note on his prayer rug. When he got up, he turned to the door and smiled. They're standing before him was a large American man in a military uniform. He wore a blindfold. Welcome General Hawthorne, Ashby said. Yeah, we're back to Brett Hawthorne. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, actually we're back to. We're back to Mohammed because he's sipping some tea at the cafe now. Classy cafe. Yeah, of course, I would like to just point out. Just another tip to Ben. You didn't need to say he pulled out a disposable cell phone. And then yeah the conversation. You say he pulled out a cell phone. You have the conversation happen and then you see him throw the cell phone away. Yeah read. Crush it under foot or something. It's a good note to us, the reader maybe he hands it off to a yeah he just yeah you could have it even if you want this guy to be really cool. You get him. Just hold the phone out and like an underling nose to take it and. And destroy it immediately, because, like, that's just the operation this guy has going. But yeah, Ben's bad at writing, so let's get to this next part. Mohammed glanced nervously around cafe in the dairy as he sipped his Nana tea. It was a classy joint and everyone wore a suit. It was a business cafe located in the lower level of a hotel. It wasn't the kind of place that would kick up any sort of fuss in a western city, but in Tehran it was a rarity. Bin doesn't know a *** **** thing about this part of the world. I'm into Iran. I've been to places that are much poorer than Iran in the Middle East, and they have a ******** of cafes. Like that. You know why? Because it's a huge ******* part of culture in the Middle East. To sit at cafes and drink ************* tea. It's an enormous thing. They do it all the time. They have tons of them. They're all over the ******* place. But no, this is one of the only nice cafes in Tehran, a city that prides itself on its ******* tea house anyway. ******* **** Robert. No, no, I don't think you understand, Robert. They live in dirt. They're they live in dirt. Yeah, they live in dirt and filth. Yeah, clearly you're mistaken, Robert. Maybe. Maybe the people with the scraggly beards go to wherever you're talking about, but this is a real fancy place. Yeah, it's the last non Islamic cafe in the city. It brags about that. The last non Islamic cafe in Tehran. Umm. It's the the last one. The last one. The only one. Yeah yeah. So yeah they're doing, he's having some sort of meeting there with some guy named Andre. I'm guessing that's the Russian. It also had the benefit of maintaining a solidly anti regime reputation. Not a great thing. I I don't so like what do you what do you think Iran has been like is it is it so oppressive that like this is the only non Islamic cafe or is it open enough that you can have a solidly anti like? Right, right, right. You didly anti regime cafe exist in the city and it be fine. Yeah, exactly. Intellectuals and writers hung out in packs and talked treason. What do you think? *** **** it. Like, be consistent about your wrongness about a place I don't like. *** **** it. Yeah, he got that. Was watching Hamilton. OK, this is ******* amazing. Intellectuals and writers hung out in packs and talk treason for that reason. Regime informers populated the place. It was the last location Western intelligence agencies would watch. The last location they're going to watch is this cafe filled with people talking treason against the Iranian regime. That's the last place. The real what do you how God, everything is so wrong about his conception of the ******* world. Like, just like reality and like, how like, not even, because it's not even like. Having specific knowledge about the region, although that's clearly a problem, it's like hellingly wrong. Yeah, if you say this thing regardless of where it is and then you say this other thing, they contradict each other and you think the CIA like you think. OK, so let's let's imagine, let's let imagine in Bens world the the, the, the undercover CIA operatives who exist in Tehran talking about where they should spend their resources scoping out. Hey, there's this famous anti regime cafe. The only non Islamic cafe. In the city? Lots of treasonous intellectuals go there. Probably not worth our time, right? We shouldn't be there at all. Good place. Yeah, that tracks that track. Yeah. Oh, that sounds like being spies. Just unimportant. Just don't use the word reason 2 words after you use the word treason. Yeah, yeah, also bad. *** **** it, Ben. So, yeah, they're they're they're meeting this cafe because nobody's, nobody's going to suspect who Cafe Bob, treasonous people gather is where terrorists will gather. Yeah. Mohammed had complete faith in a Shami. A Shami was the man who had taught him the emptiness of secularism, the beauty of belief. He was a master strategist who had launched several substantial attacks on targets ranging from embassies to hotels to restaurants in America, Europe and Israel. He is with Allah and I am with him, Mohammed thought. I also enjoy that. It's like country, continent, country is where this guy's attacks have been. We don't need to specify like, you know, say something like he was the master strategist behind the Paris bombing of 2011 or, you know. The the nightclub attack in Spain that claimed 31 lives. We don't. Because why would you write like a writer? Yeah? Right. Yeah. Yeah, uh, so this kids kids waiting for this Russian, he's got a satchel. What is the satchel like, though? Like what? Like what's got a shaving kit that he bought just to avoid suspicion for some reason? But he'd also tossed it immediately. I don't know why, Ben. Is telling us all this. Umm, OK, so he's got a bunch of money to know why either. Yeah, this guy. That Russian guys late, they're having a trying to have a meeting, but this Russian guy's ******* late. Oh, oh God. OK, here we go. Head Android been followed by the Americans. Had he been taking it out of play by the Israelis? What if every minute he stayed here, the Zionists were drawing closer? He had heard the stories about the Jewish Devils, about how they had blown the heads off of nuclear scientists with their headrest bombs, about how their computer specialist had stifled the Iranian nuclear program. If they knew what he was planning, the sons of pigs and monkeys would surely take him out of play. Using out of plague and twice, and in a paragraph too. That's fun. So, uh, the phrase that they use a lot to culturally. Sure, absolutely. Yeah. So, OK, I guess this guy comes in eventually. Do something stupid. The Russian. The first thing the Russian says he's surprised because the Russian short. And the Russian says you expected Dolph Lundgren. Perhaps. And of course Mohammed doesn't know who that is. Also not really sure that a lot of Russians know who don't. He's not like. He's not like a famous guy in Russia, I don't think. But maybe I'm wrong on that one. I don't know much about Russian culture. He's Swedish. No, he played a Russian in a movie. So a Russian in a movie. So, so a Russian would use Dolph Lundgren as his immediate go to cultural touchstone for a tall person when talking to him is aramian. You're like talking to an Iraqi and you're like, Oh yeah, like the villain from true lies or something like that would actually work because they've all seen every American action movie ******* imaginable. But yeah. Simple point. Bad example. He's Swedish. What are you talking about? That? Yeah, I unreal. Yeah. Nonsense. It's not often I get to eat well in this country. Oh, boy. Yeah. So the Russian says, yeah, you can't can't eat well in Iran, a country that famously has no cuisine. God, he is such a ******* low opinion on basic. Yeah, what? God, yeah. OK, so they go outside and hail the cab. You know, a bunch of just ******** stuff that have been as trying to make it seem like an exciting spy thing, but is actually incredibly boring. Oh, and then the chapter ends with nothing. Nothing happening. Nothing happening. Other than this guy giving him a suitcase. That's the whole thing. The kid gets a suitcase. From this Russian. That's the whole chapter. That's the whole chance. Wow. Yeah, that's just him. Nervous, getting me where the people go to the burning alive. Yeah. No one burned alive in this chapter. Unreal. So we have. I'm very excited, guys. We have just now entered. Having finished that chapter, we have now entered Part 2 collapse. Oh my goodness. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Wait a second. What wait a second this is wait we're entering Part 2? We we have just entered Part 2 Cody from like a? Storytelling perspective, uh, another word for that or the term might be like act to yeah, so no part you're saying is act one ends. With a briefcase being delivered, yeah. Yeah, and A and a. That boy heading to the airport with the briefcase. Yeah, that's a cliffhanger and random insults about Iranian cuisine. Which is fantastic, by the way. Crossing that threshold into adventure, deeply frustrating. Also, part one is before Part 2 is collapse. Great words to choose. OK, ohgod, ohgod. Just like those don't match at all. 2 1/2 episodes have been us getting through before, and now chapter one after collapse is and you're all going to be excited for this. Brett Hawthorne. **** yeah, I **** yeah. We're back to Brett. Are we doing that today, or is that going to be next time? I feel like we've got a if if we've got the time, we've got to roll through a little bit of a little bit of a bread HEB, right? These are protagonists, yeah. And because Ben is such a good writer, he's been he's been like teasing. It's like pretty soon we're going to get a second chapter with our main character. I bet he'll bite the empty magazine of his gun again. Tomorrow. The word hung in the air for a moment. Spoken in Arabic. Not meant for his ears. Brett was sure of that. Oh, God. All three separate sentences. He couldn't see a thing. Dash the blindfold over his eyes prevented him from seeing the room. But the next words confirmed Brett's worst fears. He recognized the voice. God, that's a bad sentence. Sentence really poorly. But the next words confirmed Brett's worst fears; He recognized the voice. ******* horrible. Yeah, they don't. You're mentioned. They're like, bring the words, but it's the voice that's the thing that it oht. Yeah, *** **** it. How can you be this bad at writing? How can you be this bad at writing? It's like, really, like, literally your job bad. Like, it's not even, like, you read like, sometimes you read a book like, well, that's mediocre. That's nothing special. This is just bad. It's one thing like it. It's like, it's one thing to write a book and it be like, Oh well, yeah, you know, the story structure was kind of a mess. The character development wasn't super fluid. Like, you know, that's just a thing. It's hard to write. Looks anyone who's going who tries to is going to try to write fiction. You're going to have books where it's like, OK, yeah, you know, your character development wasn't great or like, you know, the pacing wasn't, you know, was was off here, off here. But like, this is just the very basic technical facts of how he writes. Sentences are so bad. Yeah, it's like it's bizarre, like disjointed, like, like nothing matches up, subjects don't match up. And like, yeah, unclear. Like, it's it's like vaguely clear, like what the intention is. But if you take a second like, well, that doesn't make any sense, right? If if a if a junior, if I were teaching like a a creative writing class for junior high school kids and someone turned this in, I would I would have a conversation. I would have to sit down with them and talk about some things, right. I was going to say, like, it's not like, it's not like a shame thing, but it's like this actually, OK, we're gonna so like there's some structural things that need to be altered here about the way you write. If I were worried about like embarrassing student in front of the other students. This is actually a good example of a sentence we should look at and like, what is wrong with this sentence? And, you know, why isn't this doing the job this sentence needs to do? Every sentence needs to do a job. Let's look at why this one isn't functioning. Yeah. Yeah. And you can kind of do that with every other sentence. You can do that with every single sentence in this book. Welcome General Hawthorne, said Ibrahima Shami in a clipped accent. Text Fitbit what? What is a great day? Darrow? Yeah. Brett's captors forced him to his knees. He felt them hits. *** **** it. Sentence one. Brett's captors forced him to his knees. Sentence two. He felt them hit stone. What his captors his been, *** **** it. Ohh man. Then he felt a sweaty hand removed the blindfold. That was a sentence. And that was a sentence. That's a sentence. I know. What a great sentence. But a functional sentence. Yeah. Before him stood the world's most well known terrorist since Osama bin Laden. Smiling. That's the next sentence. After that is just God. Then put Oh my God. Put the palenik. You know, like, that's all I can think about when he does. Yeah, that. Like, I I think if Chuck Palahniuk listened to this episode like he would, he would, he would feel compelled to correct some things in the world. Like he were verbs. Bud. Yeah. I hope you weren't too mistreated on your journey here, a Shami said, turning his back to him. We wouldn't want a famous war hero victimized by how did you put it into your interviews, Barbarians? Brett kept his mouth shut. He knew how this would go, and he knew that the taunting presaged something far more frightening. Instead of listening to a shamis monologue, Brett quietly scanned the room for tools. Anything he could use. He almost didn't notice when a Shami turned back around, thrust his face just inches. From his own, *** **** it, that's a bad sentence. He almost didn't notice when Shami turned back around, thrust his face just inches from his own. Jesus Christ could smell. Yeah, OK. Brett could smell his breath, the faint vestiges of Chelo Coresh still on it. General Hawthorne, a Shami said I know you and that you are a resourceful man. I also know that your country is a paper tiger and that your President is a weakling. Weaklings watch as the world burns around them, thinking they are safe because they have a mirror and they are lost in the reflection. What the **** is that ****? ******* nonsense, man. It's ******* nonsense. Which one of you just snorted. So adorable. I love that. I think, I think this chapter might kill Cody. I don't know that he's gonna make it out of this. I just said Katie a text. And I was like, I think this is the happiest I've seen Cody and Robert in, like, a month. I know, yeah. This is really cleansing my soul a bit. So hard to have a profound thought and so, like, articulate it in an artful way. I love you guys so much. This is so great. This is why your country will lose. Finally, Brett spoke. America doesn't lose. We just convince ourselves not to win. You're the ones who will lose. We don't have to tape beheadings to frighten people into joining us. Quite a pair. Lot of things being expressed there, Ben. Oh my God, a Shami to Brett, surprise, laughed uproariously, clapped his hands in delight. That was one sentence. Ashamed to Brett surprise, a Shami, to Brett surprise, laughed uproariously, clapped his hands in delight. ******* hell. Oh you Americans, you don't understand at all. You're delightfully out of touch. I mean delightfully. Until you stop start dropping incendiaries on our children. You spend your lives fat and happy, eating at McDonald's, imagining yourself superior because you have. Lean shopping malls and manicured front lawns. Have you ever been to a shopping mall in this part of the anyway, but while you? But while you sleep, while you watch your reality television, your children abandon you. You Americans and your food. And you're you're streets. You Americans have streets and we don't like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your children abandon you, no matter how many patriot missiles you send against us, yadda, yadda, yadda. You see, we offer something you do not a reason to die. We need not frighten anyone. You do the frightening because, you see, people are not frightened to die or to be killed. Down, deep down, deep, they are afraid of dying without that death meaning anything. They are afraid that they will die and that a life of playing Xbox and watching your American movies and eating your American food. And worshipping themselves will end in the ground and their lives forgotten. And of course they are right. Their lives are meaningless, Brett scoffed. And yours, I suppose, are meaningful. Slaughtering women and children. A Shami grabbed Brett by his face, squeezing his jaw until it hurt. Brent. Brett clenched his teeth and stared into his eyes. Oh my God, Ben. A lot of Brett. Brett clenched his teeth as referring to Brett's teeth and stared into his eyes, referring to a shaman's eyes. *** **** it. Yeah, yeah. OK. *** ****. Like. It's sort of like it washes over you and you're like, well, surely it'll make sense. Fine. But like, AH, we will do anything for Allah. That is our strength and your weakness, Brett whispered. There. You're wrong. You don't know me and you don't know my countrymen. We live for something. We live to kill ******** like you. We live to kill that. Yeah, that's what makes America great is murdering strangers in the desert. Yeah, Ben gets it. I mean, for some people. Yeah, I guess it is. No, he's nailing it, like it's just. Amazing you. He's like, yeah, this is the way it is. And it's actually good, actually. Yeah. Cause the guy, the bad guy is saying, like, you live for nothing, like by killing you. We live for something. And Brett says that's not true. We live for killing you. And that's so good. Oh God, it's like, like, and again, he can't, he will never be able to realize what he just did. In the hands of, like, a minimally competent author, you could have this be trying to say something where it's like, oh, both of these men are the same kind of man. You feel like you are you and. Yeah. Don't see it. Yeah. Mirror a paragraph earlier. Like you're you're already evoking this idea, but he doesn't even know that he's doing it. Like, yeah, you have, like, things are complicated. I want, like, a minimally competent writer. Not even a good writer. Like, I don't know, just a writer who had, like, a second thought. Yeah, single additional thought. And that thought would be like, what if I wanted to try to make this mildly interesting? Just like the bare minimum of interesting scene. Ohh God, I like it. Yeah, good. So the the alshami sins general Hawthorne away turns to his goons and him taking to a cell and like through a crack in the window, Brett sees a tower and it lets him know exactly where he is in Tehran because of that dirt he'd seen briefly. I recognized that dirty tower from my dirty map that I got. Filthy, filthy tower. The scum tower next to the. Dirty Bomb tower at mud streets, *** **** it. They came for him in the middle of the night, the better to keep him off balance. He'd been trained for such techniques, but too long ago to matter, and he'd awoken, groggy, head pounding, nauseated by the casual beating handed out to him by one of the Shamis lackeys. Quite a sentence there, Ben. No marks to the face, of course they're wanted. They they wanted their victims looking fresh and clean before they sought off their heads. But the big bearded kid had worked his torso over pretty well and ground the bones of his arm against one another to boot. Yusef, he'd heard one of the others call him. He wouldn't forget that anytime soon. Every time Yusef had balled up his fists and driven it into his midsection, Brett had again. Every time Yusef balled up his fist, yusef's fist and driven it into his midsection. Brett's midsection like *** ****. So frustrating to, like, try to also like. I love the idea. Like we we make sure they're, they're they're nice and clean to remind us of what we hate. Yeah, Ben, a man who's clearly watched again a single video of one of these executions, like. They've taken his uniform from him, forced him into an orange jumpsuit suit, the uniform of their victims. When he'd gone to the bucket that served as a toilet, he'd noticed his urine had turned red. Like Ali, he thought to himself after the Thrilla. But Ali had survived that. Talking about ******* Muhammad Ali, I guess. ******* blood. OK, I don't. It hasn't been established that Brett's a big Muhammad Ali fan, and I think that's just coming out of nowhere. But OK, this is the literary device that's happening. Yeah, because there's a litterer. Yeah, so Brett's plans not to survive. He'd formed a plan after seeing the Azadi tower, gauging the distance from it, realizing that that map that he got earlier had. I don't know. So he's. I don't I don't really follow Ben's plan here, but it seems like he he he blinked a message to the boys and intelligence when he did his video, and he's hoping that, Jesus Christ, he hoped that the boys and intelligence picked up on the message that he'd be sending. He's yeah. He's planning to, as he's being executed, blink out the coordinates of where the this terrorist headquarters are and Tehran so that it can be bombed. Tower. Yeah. Based off like I see the tower. I know. Therefore I know where I am in relationship. I memorized in my head what the geographical coordinates are and I can now blink them. Yes yes. I I love. I love stories. Yes. He just hoped that the boys and intelligence picked up on the message. Be sending and he prayed that the film editor or whatever cave dweller familiar with Windows movie maker they'd be using for this particular production didn't chop up the film too badly. ******* hell, Ben, whatever. Whatever. ******* dirty *** Ms paint ******* like God. Uh, God, uh, so yeah. They joke that the terrorist joke is to kick him away if you can drag him in a hallway out of your hole and download Adobe premiere. Whatever. Stink pit living hell monster truck to edit this. Oh God, so they they tell Brett that he's going to be in a movie now, and Brett muttered through gritted teeth. **** you and your mother, Yousef smiled. Brett smiled back. Also your goat, he added. *** **** it, Ben. The door at the end of the hallway swung open, waiting before the green flag. Sada Shami, his face bared. Normally in these videos, Brett knew the terrorists like to Swatch their faces in black scarves to prevent identification. For the jihad video of a major American general, a Shami wanted to take personal credit. Yusef and his buddy deposited Brett next to a Shami on his knees. General, said a Shami looking down at Brett. I hope your accommodations were not too primitive. I must say you look somewhat the worse for wear, no, said Brett, glancing at Yousef. Nothing I couldn't handle. Ah, ever the tough American. Well, the good news is that you're suffering will not last much longer years either. At BIT, said Brett. But I will not suffer, a Shami said placidly. Remember, I serve Allah and no matter what happens, he will be with me. I only hope he's with all the different pieces of you after we nail your *** with the Hellfire missile. Any plans I don't know about general? Brett smiled back. Maybe, maybe not. You'll find out soon enough, yeah? They get down to the business of of of killing Brett Hother. Oh boy, testicles come up here. Let's see what's happening here. Let me be perfectly clear. You will cooperate. If you say anything we don't wish you to say, I will personally cut off your testicles. If you do anything we do not wish you to do, I will cut off your testicles and then I will slash your throat after letting you bleed. Make it twice in one paragraph. Yeah, yeah, yeah because this guy's big into cutting testicles off of people. He could have said them like this is this is one of those situations where like he could have used the non specific like and then the second time I cut them off. That's right, simple stuff. So they they film it and I guess they're not killing him. Umm, yeah. So that's nice. They take him back to his cell. And so yeah, he gets down on his knees. He does something he hasn't done for years. He gets down on his knees and praise. Yeah. Jesus, dear Lord, he whispered to the darkness, thick with the stench of feces and urine, oppressive with the smell of sweat. You know, I haven't all stuff that he's saying. Yeah, yeah, that's just Brett Hawthorne has been. ******** so much in itself. Can't stand it. I love. I can't. OK, yeah. So it's good. It's good stuff. Smell the smell of **** and **** is overwhelming, right? Absolutely overwhelming. But then what does he say at the second time? That's been in there for a day, by the way? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Ohh. Like, can't I just can't breathe with all my days worth of **** and ****? But like, then the second thing he says is like, the. Depressed sweat. What? You're worried about the sweat? You mentioned the **** and the **** but like, the sweat is the thing that really is really impressive. That's the stench. Hmm. OK, so Brett Hawthorne starts to pray. I know I haven't spoken with you for a while, but I need you now. I may never forgive you for what you did to my Ellen. Why you took our baby from us. They say you have a logic all your own, and I reckon that's the case, since I sure as hell can't understand you were the things you do. I know I've tried to do the right thing as I see it, and I haven't broken too many of the lessons I learned in Sunday school. And you know better than anybody that I've never been one for prayer. I always thought that some people treat you like a gumball machine, like if they pray just the right way and say just the right things. But you'll give them what they want. And then when when this whole world is about something bigger than what any of us want, it's about what you want. And I do hope that I've done at least a few things the way you want them. Really trying to get my head around this here is like, you're an ******* guy. You do bad things. Also, it's dumb when people pray to you about their own personal stuff, because clearly what matters is what you the guy that I've just said. I don't understand why you're so mean once. I don't know. But that said, that's my issues with Christian favor. I mean, again, it's just like. He's just, like, typing so he can like, I'll. I'll get to a profound thought, surely. Yeah. I'm just gonna say no. I'm not praying for myself. I'm praying for Ellen. Because after all this, she's gonna be alone. Lord. And I just wanted to be happy you took her children away from her. Maybe I took myself away from her. But however it worked out, now she'll be on her own. Please let her find someone else. Please let her be happy for once in her life. Please let my sweetheart go on with her life. Let her understand what I've done and why I've done it. Thank you, Lord, in advance. Amen. Brett closed his eyes and dropped into an uneasy sleep. And that is the end of the chapter. Wow, thank God. Ohh *** **** last. So horrible, so unpleasant. Unbelievable. Not shocking. Kept going. I appreciating prayer, Brett my painful, painful prose. I don't think I've ever been put in such physical pain as a result of the writing that somebody has that I have read. Yeah, and briefly for a second there. I kid you not. My brain went. Robert, why are you doing this to us? That's the only reasonable feeling when you read Ben Shapiro's work for even a moment. God, I was fun, though. We had fun. We did. We had a good time. We had a we love books, don't we? And we've got so much more of this book left to look forward to. Yeah, we have. Yeah, we're barely in Act 2. Amount of it. I can't wait to see what collapses. Yeah, well then Part 3. Maybe there's a part 4 even, you know? If we're lucky, yeah. Yeah. I think we're we're gonna have to I. We're going to have to go through all this, this entire book. Yeah, we are committed now. You're right that we do have to. We're going to have to go through it readily. You have to really go through this book. I'm going to have to absorb more of it with my ears. I and I feel, I feel, I feel fundamentally changed as a human being. You know, I was, I was feeling kind of broken down from all of the relentless. This police violence getting maced in the face directly last night wasn't super fun. It's been, it's been, it's been tough, and I feel rejuvenated in a way that I didn't know was possible. It looks like life has been breathed back into you. Glow. That yellow glow in your eye that you get, you know, only comes from trying to diagram a sentence and figure out what the **** Ben Shapiro meant when he was writing it. So do you guys want to plug your plug? Couples? Yeah, check out our show together. Worst year ever. And check out and check out Cody Kitties podcast. Even more news. Yeah, on most Fridays, right? Right. Katie Fridays. Yep, that's right. Fridays. And our YouTube show comes out sometimes. Sometimes it's got some more news. We've got a Patreon. Google our names. We're on the Internet. Twitter wise, Patreon. More like. Yay, treon. And that was really good. You can, you can, you guys can follow Katie and Cody on the Twitter and Instagram at Dark Doctor Mr Cody and at Katie stole. You can follow this podcast, that ********* pod on Twitter and Instagram. You can follow Robert and I write, OK we have a T public store where we have new what is it? What is the new, the new, the new merch we have Robert. What did we get it to say? Oh, it's a, it's a it's a face mask that says FDA guaranteed to prevent all diseases. So that is that. Is a legal guarantee that the FDA will back 100%. And if they don't, it's amazing they can attack me in my mountaintop compound with fire bombs from the sky. And yeah, same thing. You can also get it as as a shirt or mug or whatever they sell. So you website, get the shirt, and you go to like the grocery store. And Someone Like You can't come in here without a mask. Like we'll look at my ******* shirt. It's FDA approved. Could I have this with if it weren't FDA approved? No, they would. Played the mountaintop compound of whoever produced this and burned 70 something children to death in his basement. Getting very Alex Jones. Yeah, anyways. That's the episode. That is the episode. Wash your hands. Hello, I'm Erica Kelly from the podcast Southern Fried True crime, and if you want to go from podcast fan to podcast host, do what I did and check out spreaker from iheart. I was working in accounting and hating it. Then after just 18 months of podcasting with Spreaker, I was able to quit my day job. Follow your podcasting dreams, let's break or handle the hosting. Creation, distribution, and monetization of your podcast. Go to spreaker.com. That's spreaker.com. If you could completely remove one phrase from your vocabulary, which phrase would you choose? I don't know. Correct answer. No, I meant I don't know which phrase, and the best way to banish I don't know from your life is by cramming your brain full of stuff you should know. 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