Anything Goes with Emma Chamberlain

Emma prefers to share her thoughts with a microphone rather than a physical human being, so thank god she has a podcast. Recorded from the comfort of her bed, Emma talks at length about whatever is on her mind every week. Anything really does go on this podcast. Sometimes philosophy, sometimes a random story from 10 years ago, sometimes advice, and sometimes nothing at all. You never know what you are going to get, but that’s what keeps it interesting. New episodes every Thursday.



Thu, 02 Jun 2022 07:00

well, my cats woke me up at 5 in the morning, so i am coming to you early in the am to tell you my weed story. in the last episode, we talked about alcohol. i briefly mentioned that i do not smoke weed. today i’m going to tell you why and share my stories about my experiences with weed…why I don’t smoke weed, why i will never do it again and how it affects my anxiety. actually, i will not make any promises, because i don’t really trust myself, i might try it again, but it’s very unlikely and i really shouldn’t…anyway, now that i’m 21 i’m finally getting to tell you guys all the stories i always wanted to share. it’s honestly been so fun. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: Learn more about your ad choices. Visit

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My face is still really puffy. The sun is coming up. Imagine all of those things as you're listening to me today. Anyway. In the last episode. I briefly mentioned that I do not smoke weed. And. In today's episode, I'm going to talk about why. I do not smoke weed. Among with other things, along with other things, among with other things, among other things. I'm going to be talking about why I don't smoke weed, among other things. I hope that's grammatically correct, or else I'm just gonna be embarrassed. Anyway, let's start out. With high school, because high school was when, you know, kids started smoking weed, kids started drinking all of this stuff. Let's talk about that phase in my life. So in high school I was very nervous about trying these sorts of substances because my parents did a really good job at warning me the negative side effects of these things while not being controlling with me. And I think that This is why I was very careful was because they approached these conversations. About drugs and alcohol. Very thoughtfully, ingeniously, in retrospect, because they would basically tell me listen. We know that you're probably going to try these things. It's pretty much inevitable. We know you're probably gonna try these things. We're just going to tell you why they're not good. Or how they can be not good? And we're going to ask you to let us know if you ever try these things so that you don't get into a situation where you're ever in danger. For example, if you're gonna try alcohol and there's nobody who isn't drunk to drive home, let us know. We'll pick you up. We'll drive you home. Don't ever do this stuff. Without letting us know because we want to make sure that you and your friends are as safe as possible, which I think was really cool. And so they basically warned me that weed and alcohol is bad for a young person's brain, like a developing human beings brain. And they explain that to me. They also explained to me how. Especially with things like weed, you know you don't know where it's coming from. Not a vibe. Also, both of my parents had really bad experiences with weed, specifically where it made them have severe panic attacks. Both of my parents, and so they also warned me of that. And they warned me of many other things, but those were the main things. And so because of that warning, I just didn't have any interest in. Trying weed. In high school. And so I didn't. And it wasn't until more recently that I tried it because I was open to the idea of it. The first time I ever tried it was that. Not really a party, but kind of it was that sort of like a small party, as people in California would call a kickback. I hate that word so much. I really hope that that's something that people use. Like everywhere. A kickback. Oh my God, it's so cringe. Like that's the most cringe name for like a small party. It's a little bit too obvious, like a kickback, like, yeah, we're not partying, we're just kicking back like just the ten of us. It's cringe, but whatever it was, it was at like a small party environment. And there was one person who had a dab pen. If you don't know what a dab pen is, it's basically like a vape pen that has really. Potent. Weed. In it and. I felt actually pretty good about. This being my first time smoking weed. Not because I actually had any knowledge about a DAB pen, but rather because. I felt like it was just going to be easier, you know? It's in a form of a vape pen of sorts, which is like easier to inhale. It's not like this burning joint looking thing that's like has all these like harsh particles in it. I don't know, I just felt like it was going to be easier to do. And so in conversation it came up that I had never smoked weed and everybody was like, what the ****? Like holy ****. Like that is lame AF. No, just kidding. They weren't they weren't calling me lame, but they they were like, that is insane because. In California, especially because it's legal, so many people smoke weed. And so it was just quite shocking to everybody that I had never tried it. And so they were like, let's do it, why don't you try it? And I was like, well, I'm, you know, I'm nervous. I'm going to have a panic attack because my parents. Have always had panic attacks when they smoke weed. They've had really, really bad experiences. Blah blah blah and everybody was like, no, you'll totally be fine. Just take one hit off of this dab pen. So I was like, OK. So I did. I took a big inhale of this DAB pen. Just one. Breathe it out. And then I waited. Now let me set the scene for you. I'm at this party. Kick back if you will. And everybody there is not my close friends, nobody there. I did not have one person there that I considered a close friend. At the time, I was kind of in a random phase of my life, you know what I mean? I I was kind of just hanging out with new people, trying new things, not really sure what types of people I wanted in my life or not. So I was just kind of experimenting at this time. So everybody in this room was new to me. I I had maybe known them for a few weeks to a month. OK, so like, these are not close friends. This was my first. Big because I did not feel safe to like be truly me around these people because they just weren't people I've known for a long time. We were also in like a weird bedroom. That was like half decorated and just. Kind of weird. Kind of like frat boy feeling like sort of vibe, which for me is like not the most comfortable environment, right? So that the weed starts to kick in, it starts to hit OK, things are hitting and I notice it. The first time, because we're all sitting in a circle and talking and all of a sudden everybody's voices get really loud in my ear and I feel like everybody around me is staring at me like it was like all of a sudden I felt like I was in a fishbowl and everybody's voices were amplified and everybody's eyes were on me. And it made me so uncomfortable. But I was like, OK, I need to try to push through this and seem chill, right? Because. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of these new people. I'm just not in the mood to do that. I also was like, I'm probably just psyching myself out. I have a tendency to do that even when I'm sober, so. I'm definitely making this worse for myself. I just need to take a few deep breaths, relax, and just try to act normal. I remember at one point somebody asked me a question. And I respond, I answer, and then a few seconds later when I was recalling myself answering the question. For some reason, in my memory I was remembering that I screamed the answer. So like instead of me answering the question in this tone, I was answering the question in this tone, like even louder than that, screaming. Then I really started to freak out because I was like, my memory is clearly very impaired here. I'm like imagining things. I'm imagining that I had screamed the answer to the question that I had been asked when when I answered it, I thought I was talking in a normal tone. In my memory, I was screaming. I started to freak out, OK. Completely freaked out, and so everybody in the room started to realize that I was kind of freaking out. But. I think that they kind of thought it was funny. So everybody was kind of, I think from my memory they were kind of joking around with me. They're like, so am I like you feeling alright? Like, you know what I mean? Like, are you, are you feeling it yet? Whatever. And I was just kind of like. Like, yes, yes, yes, like you know, just struggling to to exist normally in this setting. At one point, one of the kids goes outside. And he was like, are you good? You know what I mean? And I was like, honestly, no. And this, this was the person who smoked the most weed out of the whole room, and they were the most familiar with it. And I was like, listen. I'm not doing OK. Like, I'm not OK. And they were like, it's OK. You know, like, this happens. You didn't like you barely. You didn't smoke a lot of weed. Like, it was barely anything. You're going to be OK. Like, you're you just got to let it pass. And I was like, OK, OK. And eventually I ended up going home. I ended up riding home with one of the girls that was there. And I remember getting home and, like, laying in bed. Been staring at the ceiling and just being like Emma, you can't ever do this again. I felt so out of control. I felt so slow in my brain, which is so abnormal for me because my brain is always like. Going so fast I felt so slow and I was like, can't do this again. I never fully had a panic attack this first time it it was just a lot of anxiety and paranoia. But there was no panic attack, so that was good. I felt high for the next three days. Was I high? Probably not. But I still felt off for three days following and that experience was really traumatizing for me. I hated it and I was like. I can't ever do this again. Ohh, but then I did because. A little while later, I found out about edibles. And edibles are basically little gummies, like little gummy bear looking things that have weed in them. Just a little bit. And you can buy these gummies and they'll have THC, which is what makes you high from weed. And then they also have CBD in them, which is the chemical in weed that makes you feel relaxed, right? So you can buy these gummies that have, you know, different ratios of THC and CBD. And a lot of people have really good experiences with these gummies because they're more balanced. Because they're like manufactured by a company rather than you just smoking weed in its pure form. It's like they extract the THC, they put a certain amount in, they extract the CBD, they put a certain amount in and they're allowed to. In not allowed to, but they have the ability to kind of tweak things so that, you know, you might have a better experience, right. I've been hearing about these gummies nonstop. Everybody that I was friends with was taking these gummies, obsessed with these gummies, saying that they were so relaxed and you know, you don't get too high, you just feel super relaxed and you can still function and a lot of people were like, this makes helps a lot with, you know, my anxiety, it makes me feel really calm. And I was like, whoa, you are talking to the right person. I'm gonna try this again because I had not heard one negative review about these gummies, OK? Everybody was like these gummies are the move. These gummies are the up and coming. OK, so with somebody that I was very close to and am very close to. I decided to try these gummies. They had taken the gummies hundreds of times. They loved the gummies. One night while watching a movie The decision was made. Emma's trying the gummies and I was in a very safe environment this time, which was amazing because I felt safe, you know? I felt safe. I didn't feel judged. Whatever. So I take one of these gummies. I have some friends and family members who wear contacts, and honestly, I can't imagine how much of a pain it must be to always have to go to the eye doctor, go in for unnecessary tests. When you know that your prescription hasn't changed. It's so time-consuming and so stressful. I truly can't imagine one 800 contacts has been making people's lives so much easier and delivering contact lenses for 27 years. They make getting contacts super fast and easy. Even if you have a really strong prescription, all you have to do is order the same contacts you would get from your doctor. Just look on the side of your contacts box for that info. You can order online, over the phone, or with their app, and they ship them fast and free to your home. You can even renew your prescription. Online using their express exam and there are so many benefits to going through. One 800 contacts. They guarantee if you find your contacts at a lower price elsewhere, they'll beat it. And I mean, who doesn't like to save a little money? Speaking of which, new customers can get extra discounts when you check out their site, and their 24/7 customer support is so helpful that it's award-winning. So let one 800 contacts get you the contact lenses you need. Order online at one 800 contacts. Dot com. OK, so I've told you guys about circle before, right? Spelled CIRKUL. Circle was created for people like me, OK, who don't drink enough water every day circles basically this water bottle with over 40 flavor cartridges that makes drinking water way more tasty. The flavors cover all the bases. They have fruit, punches, iced teas. Some even have caffeine or electrolytes, but there's no sugar, there's no calories, and there's no artificial flavors. My favorite flavor is strawberry Kiwi. And my favorite thing about it is I love how the dial on the cartridge lets you choose how much flavor you get per sip. All you have to do is twist the dial to a certain number for how much flavor that you want and you're ready to go. So the cool thing about it is that you can put the cartridge on. And you can set it to whatever setting you want. So you could set it to a setting where when you take a sip of water, it just tastes like water, so there's no flavor added. But if you're in the mood to add some flavor, you can twist it a little bit. And then you have a super flavorful sip. Right now Circle is giving all of my listeners. Up to 35% off their order, plus free shipping on all orders of $15 or more. Plus, as an added bonus, we're throwing in my favorite flavor, strawberry Kiwi, for free. Just visit drink circom Emma. That's drink CIRUL com Emma. To get this limited time offer today again, that's I'll save you the brutal details, but about 45 minutes in, I close my eyes on the couch. And when I close my eyes, it was almost like there were like strobe lights in my eyes. Like when my eyes were closed, like I could see like strobe lights. And my brain. Started imagining me, like, falling through. Like I was imagining that every time there was a strobe light in my eyes, in my brain and my eyes. That I was like traveling through time. Like, I'm not. OK, I can't make this up. I don't know why I am so sensitive to weed, but every time I've had these extreme experiences for just no reason. So this time. I'm like imagining that I'm like time traveling, OK? And it starts to make me feel really scared for whatever reason, and I start to get really bad anxiety. My heart is beating, I'm on this person's couch. It's just me and them. I know they're not judging me. We're very close. They also know about my experience with weed, and so they didn't really pay any mind to me for having my freak out. Little do they know, I'm like, laying on the couch, my eyes closed, my heart pounding, and I'm having all of these weird visions in my brain. Like all these weird I'm imagining weird **** OK? Like one minute I'm imagining like me traveling through time, the next minute I like can't stop thinking about what it looks like when a slinky goes down the stairs. Like I I was the weirdest **** I I could. And I'm at this point I'm like, I can't control what I'm thinking about. Like I'm just starting to think about stuff and like I can't control what I'm thinking about. And every time I would open my eyes it had, it would feel like 2 days had passed. Like it would feel like. My eyes have been closed for two days, and when I would open my eyes again, I would feel like, OK, I'm back on planet Earth, but then I would start to feel weird again. I go to sleep that night. It was tough because my brain was like on the move. I couldn't stop imagining weird things, and what was the most unsettling to me was that I just could not control what I was imagining. And every time my eyes were closed, the weird, uncontrollable visions. Were worse. Whereas when my eyes were open, I was more chill. I felt more connected to planet Earth. But the second my eyes were closed, I just felt like I was hallucinating in a way, or not hallucinating, but kind of. I just had, like, a lot of intrusive thoughts in a way. And it was very scary for me. The next morning I was fine. I was completely fine, all right? I was like, OK again, we doesn't work for me. Well, I decided to try it again because a few days later I was like, you know what? I'm going to take a smaller. Dose. And guess what I did and it was a great experience. I ate half of an edible, half of the little gummies that have weed in it and that night I felt amazing. I didn't really feel anything. I almost kind of felt nothing. I just felt a little bit more relaxed, like in my body and mind, I just felt a little bit more relaxed and I was like, this is great. Like I still feel fully functional. I still feel in control of my brain and my body. And this is amazing. I wasn't having any weird hallucinations. I wasn't having any intrusive thoughts. I had no paranoia. I had no anxiety. It was amazing. It was like the complete opposite. I just felt like me, but a little bit more relaxed and I was like, you know what? I might be a Stoner now. Maybe I found my my magic ratio. I might have just figured this **** out. I might have just cracked this ******* code. It's time to go. I was excited because in Los Angeles especially, there's such a positive culture around weed and it's positive effects, which is very new, you know, because prior to now it was extremely not that way. And it was not. Looked at in this light and fun way it used to be. Number one, illegal #2 like. You know, if you were caught with weed or you were caught selling weed, whatever it may be like, there were serious repercussions for that. And now it's so bizarre how weed is just like, especially in California, just like chill and no big deal and a part of almost every adults everyday life, like it's very hard to find in adult that doesn't smoke weed or young adult. You get what I'm saying? Adult, young adult, it's it's very common. And because of that, you know, I was fascinated by it, and I had heard that it can be really helpful for things like anxiety and depression and things like that. And so I was curious about how it could affect me. And so I was excited that I had finally figured out a way to make it work for me. For a short time following that, I was regularly taking edibles at night to fall asleep. And I consistently had a really good experience. I mean, obviously it was very short lived. But I had a very good experience until one day. One night I was by myself and I took my normal. Edible at night time to just get relaxed. And. I was on Instagram, on my phone, scrolling through Instagram. While I was scrolling through Instagram, I saw a post. I don't even remember what the post was about to be honest, but let's say it's a post about cats. Like a cat fact. Like a fun fact about cats on my explore page of Instagram. So I saw that right and. It was a weird post. Like it was a it was a weird. Post. For some reason I found it weird at the time. And I scrolled past it, but even though I scrolled past it and was looking at other photos, I was still thinking about that one post. And then at a certain point I was like, wait, that post was really weird for whatever reason in my. High State, I thought that post was really weird and I was like. I think it's so weird that I don't even believe that it was posted. I feel like I imagined that. And so I scrolled up and tried to find it again, right? And I couldn't find it. And then I convinced myself that I had hallucinated it, which scared the **** out of me. Scared the **** out of me to try and relax. I started watching a TV show, and while I was watching the TV show, I realized that I couldn't. Remember what was going on? Like, I would be watching the show and then like, 10 seconds would pass and I wouldn't remember what I was watching. I'd have to, like, remind myself what I was watching. I'd have to, like, recheck in and be like, oh wait, OK, I'm watching this show. I kept forgetting what I was watching and what the show was about and I was like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Why am I having issues with my memory? This is really weird. This has never happened before. What is going on? And so I call my dad immediately because I'm starting to freak out. But I'm trying to stay calm, right? Because. I know that it's probably just a stronger batch of edibles or something, even though these edibles were from. A dispensary, which is like a place that legally sells weed regardless. I was like, you know, they might have just messed up this batch a little bit and made it a little bit stronger than normal. Like, everything's fine, I'm probably just really, really high for whatever reason. Whatever, it's going to be fine. Or maybe I'm just hyper aware of the fact that I'm high and normally I don't psych myself out and convince myself that I'm hallucinating, and normally I just lay there and chill and don't do anything and don't really use my brain, whereas right now I'm trying to use my brain. And it's not working properly. Maybe it never works properly, but right now I'm trying to use it and it's showing extra. You know what I'm saying? I was trying to like, rationalize what was going on. And so I called my dad and I was like, listen, I think I'm really, really high right now. And I explained to him what had happened and how I was freaking myself out and I felt like I was having memory issues. And I was like, I'm just scared that I permanently damaged myself somehow. And. I had researched weed prior, and I knew that that wasn't really something that happens, but also anything's possible. You know, I could be the first one to experience permanent memory loss from weed, and weed does temporarily impair your memory, and it can impair your memory for longer than just the time that you're high. It can extend past and your brain, supposedly, according to the articles I've read, can bounce back, but it does definitely affect your memory. Short term and sometimes semi long term. And I was like, but what if, like, I'm permanently impaired? You know, what if my brain is permanently impaired and I can't remember things ever again? And so I started really freaking out while I was talking about this to my dad. And he was like, listen, you're going to be OK. Everything's going to be fine. And then he started to say, let's just talk about something else. And he started to ask me questions. He was like, So what did you do today? And when I was trying to remember what I had done that day, I couldn't remember. Like, I'm not exaggerating. I'm not sitting here being like, I couldn't remember. No, no, I could not recall. And when I would try to remember, it would take me so long that by the time I would remember, I was so freaked out at how long it had took me to try to recall that when I would try to verbalize it and say it to my dad, I couldn't even get the words out because I was. Starting to shake and my voice was starting to like, my throat was starting to like close up out of anxiety and so I like, couldn't even talk anymore. So I got to a point where I couldn't remember **** and I could barely talk because I was so freaked out at how slow my brain was moving that I was starting to have like an anxiety response in my body. And I was also having an issue getting words out properly, like I was having to repeat myself a lot. And it was weird because half of me knew that, like, everything was fine and I was just really high and I was just trying to overwork my brain while in this high state. And you know, you can't do everything that you can normally do when you're high, right? Some people can, but not everybody, and I'm definitely not. One of those people that can just function normally, you know? And so I was I, I knew that I was trying to push myself too hard while in this state, but the other half of me was like, no, no, no. I have permanently damaged myself. Like, my whole life is over. I'm never going to be the same and, you know, whatever. And so I start to have a full panic attack like bodily, my body starts shaking and I start disassociating. Really bad, and I had been struggling with dissociation a lot prior to this moment. I had been struggling anyway with that kind of anxiety disassociation. My definition of disassociation is when you don't feel in your body. Like you feel removed from your body, you feel like your body and your mind are two separate things, and you kind of feel like you're a ghost following the shell of your body around. It's a very weird feeling, and it's very, very upsetting because you don't feel connected, everything feels disjointed, discombobulated, and you don't feel fully present. Because you feel like your brain is in one place and your body's in another, and it's very, very, very weird. And I had been struggling with that a lot because of my anxiety. I had already been having that issue while sober. But all of a sudden, once my anxiety and the panic started to set in, I started to disassociate. Worse than I ever had in my Life OK, while on the phone with my dad in bed really high, apparently. So it was basically. Here's how it felt. My brain was so scared and was moving so fast that I could not control it anymore. So when I would be talking to my dad or when I would be moving, like for example, if I would move my arm, it didn't feel like something I was doing because my the front, the most prominent part of my brain was like freaking out. So the part of my brain that was allowing me to talk and was allowing me to move. Was like almost my subconscious. It felt like this is all ******* crazy sounding, but I'm just trying to explain to you how I was feeling. It didn't feel like when I was talking that I was even. I even knew what I was saying. Like it felt like I was talking without even thinking about it first. Like the out, what you could see from the outside of me, my movements, my talking, whatever it might have been, almost felt subconscious in robotic and like I wasn't even thinking about it, I was just doing it. And it was so scary and I felt like my brain had ten different compartments at all, all moving in different places at once. And it was so overwhelming. I'm like almost getting upset trying to think about it now because it was the scariest feeling. And at one point I told my dad, I can't talk to you anymore because this is making it worse. I'm going to need to call you back. And I hang up with him and I text somebody who I'm very, very close to in my life, whom I love very much, who has a lot of experience with weed. And I text him and I say I feel like I need to go to the hospital. Like, I'm not kidding. I feel like I'm losing it. And I texted him saying that because he had had a similar experience with weed multiple times and had shared that with me. And so he was like, Emma, I've been where you are before. Like, call me and I was like, no, I was like, absolutely not. I am not calling you. Like, I am not OK. I don't even feel like I'm a real human being right now. Like, I just want you to tell me right now that everything's going to be OK because you've experienced this before. That's all I need. I can't talk right now. And he was like, everything's going to be OK. You're going to wake up tomorrow and feel fine. I promise you. I've been there. You're going to be OK. And I was like, OK for a second. That helped me a little bit. But it was weird, because what would happen is I would feel better for a second and I'd put my phone down and I'd close my eyes and start to take deep breaths. But then the paranoia and the anxiety and the panic would start to come back, and it would come back 10 times worse every time. And I started to freak out so badly at one point that I had to call my dad back. So I call him back. At this point, I'm I'm crying. And I'm shaking. In a way that I've never shaken before my whole body. Was like shaking. Uncontrollably. And I was. Hyperventilating a little bit, like could not breathe. And I was just like, I just need you to tell me everything's gonna be OK. Because right now I I literally feel like I'm dying. Like I feel like I'm dying. I feel like the fear that I felt was the most fear I've ever felt in my entire life. I have never in my life been more scared than I was in that moment. Never, never, ever in genuinely scary moments in my life when I've thought that there's been an intruder in my house. When. Have thought that my cats got out of the house and ran away when I thought that somebody in my life was in danger. I kid you not. No Fear that I've ever felt in my life. No panic attack that I've ever had in my life has compared to this one. I thought that my brain was permanently damaged, I would never be the same again. And I was so scared and I was so out of control that I was completely beside myself. And so for another hour or so, I'm on the phone with my dad and he's just trying to talk me through it. As I'm hyperventilating, shaking, crying, just so scared, eventually the panic attack subsides. My body finally relaxes a little bit. I think that the panic attack took so much energy out of me that it honestly exhausted me. And so after like, this hour of having this extreme panic attack, I felt so exhausted that I thought, you know what? I think I can probably go to bed. So I told my dad. I said, listen. I need to try to go to sleep. I feel so exhausted that I need to just try. And I think that the the high was starting to wear off a little bit as well at this point. And so I was like, OK, thank you for, you know, listening to me. I'll call you tomorrow, whatever. And I put on some sleep music, you know, on YouTube you can look up like sleep, sleep music 8 hours long. That's just like super relaxing, super calming music. I put some of that on, which I put on all the time if I can't sleep. And after probably 30 minutes of listening to that and taking deep breaths, I'm talking about like. The the whole for like literally 30 minutes. After doing that for like 30 minutes, I eventually tired myself out enough to fall asleep for two weeks. Following that I. Was not the same. OK, so if I were to host a live radio show and I could play any music I wanted. I would honestly probably have the time of my Life OK, but I'll admit I would probably end up playing. Just sad music. I don't know what it is about me, but I love sad music, OK? And so I'd probably end up playing. A lot of sad music. Specifically for the people who are listening in the car by themselves. That want to shed a tear in a good way? Well now there is a place that I or you or anyone can host a live show. 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The frame is clear obviously the lenses are clear and I got a tortoise frame and a Plaid frame so I can now it. Basically I have 3 pairs of reading glasses now. There are so many options, iconic base shapes and then all sort of frames to go on top retro classic neon sparkle. You'll definitely find your vibe I also love. Buying from a brand that really, really cares and pair provides glasses to a child in need for every pair that you buy. Get glasses as ever, changing as you are with pear. Go to pair eyewear com Emma for 15% off your first purchase. That's 15% off at PAIR I was struggling with really bad disassociation for like. Two weeks after that, it was really bad. I get anxiety all the time. I have those feelings frequently, but the dissociative side of it all is a little bit less common. It's a little bit more extreme, and it happens less frequently, but after this crazy panic attack. Crazy. Experience, weed experience I I like. I did not recover for probably 2 weeks mentally and I'm not sure if it was because. I was getting the weed out of my system. I don't think so. I don't know. I don't know if it was like related to the weed or if it was just related to my anxiety. You know, it got triggered really bad that night and so that might have carried me carried through to the following two weeks. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm never. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Ever ******* ever touching weed again, I cannot do it ever again. That experience for me was so beyond traumatizing. To this day, I literally cannot think about it without feeling a pit in my stomach. I mean, it is like one of the most terrifying memories I have, and I've had some terrifying things happening happened to me. Terrifying at times. Life threatening. This sticks out as one of the most terrifying memories I've ever had because I really thought that I had ruined my life. I didn't. I'm fine. Everybody's fine. Everything's fine. Still, for whatever reason, that was the most scared I've ever felt. I don't think I'll ever feel that scared again. I don't know if there's any science about this, but I definitely think that there's two types of people when it comes to weed. There's people that. Can function almost even better than normal. When they're smoking weed, they're focused, they're relaxed, they're happy, they feel chill. There's some people that react to weed like that, and then there are some people like me. And my parents, and even some other people I know that cannot smoke weed ingest weed in any way without having a panic attack. And I think that this is important to talk about because my few experiences with weed. Have almost all been so incredibly negative and the only thing that got me through it was knowing that there are other people out there that also get extremely anxious and extremely paranoid. With weed, and if you're trying it for the first time, you've never tried it before and for whatever reason you're trying it, you might have an experience like me. And because of that, the first few times that you get high from weed, you need to be with people that you are really comfortable with. I'm talking about people that you trust your life with. You know what I'm saying? Because there's a chance that you could freak the **** out and the last thing you want. Is to be around people that are going to make it worse because it is not just like, oh I'm a little bit freaked out. No, no, no, weed can make you freak out in a way that feels life threatening. That one night when I had my panic attack. I literally thought I needed to go to the hospital and I know people that have called 911 because they had a panic attack while they were high and got so scared. That they thought that they were dying and and called 91. Like, it's serious. The thing is, is that it's not actually that dangerous, right? Like, it's not actually like, as long as you're smoking weed from a responsible place and you know, like from a from a verified place, you're not smoking random weed that you just found. At a party like that's very not smart and not good. Don't do that. Ever. Because you don't know what the **** is in it, and you just don't want to do that. And you also don't know how strong it is. You don't know anything. It's just stupid. Don't do it. But you know, if you're smoking weed from a safe place, like from a dispensary, a place that legally sells weed that's been grown in responsible locations, blah, blah. If you're smoking weed from there, you're safe. You know, you're in the clear for the most part, I I believe. But you might feel like you're not safe, you know? Like I've never, ever. Smoked a lot of weed or taken a lot of edibles. Every time I've had these panic attacks has been from a very small amount of THC of weed, like it's always been from a small amount I've never like. I used to take one edible, like 1 little gummy, which has 5 milligrams of THC, which is the stuff that gets you high. I used to take one edible. The time I had a panic attack, I took one edible 15 milligram edible, which prior to that used to almost do barely anything to me, but for whatever reason that one day it did a lot to me. And that one time, you know, I was at that party, little kickback. I just had one little hit off of that weed pen, the DAB pen, whatever, and I was super high. You know, it doesn't take a lot. That's the other thing. I think what what I wish I knew even more was that the feeling that you might get if you have a bad reaction mentally to weed is that it's not going to feel like a little bit of anxiety if it's not going to feel like a little panic attack. It might feel like you are actually dying. OK, and I'm here to tell you you're not dying. You're going to be OK. Your brain is gonna bounce back. You're gonna be fine. The best thing you can do is go into a quiet, dark room, play really relaxing music, and take deep breaths and try to imagine a blank room. Try to imagine that you're in a plain, all white blank room. That's what I do. I picture myself in just like a a blank room. Nothing around me when my eyes are closed and I just take deep breaths or I might imagine myself and my childhood bed. That's something I do a lot when I'm having really bad anxiety. Or like, especially like a panic attack. I just close my eyes and imagine myself curled up in my childhood bed, and I take deep breaths. And I listen to relaxing music until my body calms down and hopefully my brain follows suit. Anywho. That is my story. That is my weed story. That is why I don't smoke weed. I'm never smoking weed again. I will never touch it again. Actually, I will not make any promises. Because I don't really trust myself. Like I I might try it again, you know what I mean? Like there's there's a world in which I might try it again. But it's very, very, very unlikely, because that experience was so, so traumatic for me, that I just can't do it again. And for those of you out there who have a similar reaction to weed as me, you know you just can't handle it. It it sends you down a bad path. I know how ****** it can feel because. So many people smoke weed. It's it's very common where I live anyway and. You know, you can feel excluded at times and you can feel kind of like. Bombed almost because. You and your friends might be hanging out and everybody might be like, Oh my God, like, I just got like, I just bought this joint. Let's light it up, you know what I mean? And then you're like, **** like, I I wanna join and you can't. Because you know that if you do that, you'll be literally stuck in a dark room for the next 12 hours trying to calm yourself down. Like, it sucks not being able to participate sometimes, but it's not worth it, you know what I mean? Find something else, make yourself a little drink, you know? Like. I don't know. Figure something else out. Don't do it. It's not worth it. And know yourself and like you know, know that certain things don't work for you. That's what I've had to do with myself. I I tried over and over and over again to make weed work. For me, so that I could fit in in a way, because so many people participate in it, that I wanted to also find a way to make it work for me. And that's why I kept trying over and over again, even though more times than not it made me have a freak out. And it led up to one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever had in my life. And I could have avoided that by just knowing myself better and looking at all the experiences I had had with weed prior and been like, listen, this doesn't work for me. Why am I gonna try and make it work just because it worked for me a handful of times, you know, at night time before bed? Doesn't take away the fact that I also had a handful of times where it made me have complete freak outs. You know what I mean? Where I felt like. I didn't have control over my brain, and if I would have just known myself a little better, I probably wouldn't have kept trying to make it work, and I probably would have given up, and then I probably would have avoided that one traumatic evening. All of this is to say that these substances are a part of being human in a way, and everybody has a choice to try these things out or to not. And with everything comes the potential for negative consequences. All of these. Things. Drugs, alcohol, all of that. They all come with their different levels of consequence, right? And. As you're growing up and navigating. Adulthood. It's almost inevitable. That you will try these things eventually. And I think it's just good to know that, like, just because you're friends. Love something. They love alcohol, they love weed. That doesn't mean that you're gonna have the same experience. And it's about knowing yourself and really checking in with yourself after you try these things and say, how did that affect me, really? You know, did I like how that made me feel? Is it worth trying again or is this something that just simply doesn't work for me? Point blank, you know, like it's hard when when your peers are are also doing these things and you know you're determination to do them too. Is normal, right? But you have to be honest with yourself about whether or not these things are good for you. I've been having this dilemma with alcohol as well, like as I'm now 21 and I'm experiencing these things, especially now more than ever. I am having to ask myself, is it worth it for me? Because the consequences are not going unnoticed for me. You know, like, I definitely have consequences with these things. With weed, it's that there's a really big chance that I might have a panic attack. And with alcohol, it's that for the two weeks following me having a drink, you know, I feel. Like **** mentally and sometimes even physically. And it's hard because in social settings there are people smoking weed, there are people drinking alcohol. And in the moment I'm like, I wanna join, you know what I mean? But I'm, I'm having to learn, like. How to decide? What's worth doing and what isn't, depending on the potential consequences? Or should I say my consequences? Because everybody's consequences are different? Some people smoke weed and have almost no consequences. I smoke weed and there's very, very big. Consequences. OK, you see what I'm saying? And so, I don't know. It's just all like a. It's all just a. Journey, and you have to go on that journey yourself. That's the hardest part. You won't ever know how you react to these things until you try them. And some of you out there might be like, I'm never going to try this ****. And if that's the case, then all power to you. You never have to learn right for yourself. You can just float through life, you know, and not have to figure out how these things do or don't affect you because you're not doing them, obviously. OK, I'm not Mr obvious, but yeah, I don't know. It's it's tough because you never know until you try. And unfortunately I had to try multiple times and fail in order to learn that weight is not for me and you know, I've seen on Instagram. I remember on Tik T.O.K that, like I don't remember I've seen on social media people being like, I know Emma's a Stoner. And I've always been like, Oh my God, if only people knew. If only people knew what happens to me. I can't do it. Sorry, I'm stretching my back anyway. That's my weed story. Now that I'm 21, I'm really getting to let all these stories out and it's honestly been so fun. Who knows, next episode, maybe I'll talk about sex. It's just like I'm just getting all the rated R stuff out of my system because. I'm 21. I'm an adult. I can talk about whatever, you know. Although it's funny because those of you who are listening in Europe are like, uh, yeah, like you're a little bit late. Like we've been drinking and. Smoking weed and whatever since we were 18. Like being 21 means nothing. There's probably other countries like that too. I just am not sure. I just know in Europe. That the legal age for. Alcohol and weed and stuff is 18 and I know that because I was 18 in Europe. I know. Anyway, that's all I got for today. You guys, thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed these stories. I hope that they weren't boring, because honestly, listening to somebody talk about their experiences, being stoned, I can't imagine it's entertaining. But I just had to get this story out there, you know what I mean? I had to. I had to tell it. It just felt right. Like it's one of those stories that. I've just always wanted to tell because I kind of think it's funny now. I can actually finally now kind of laugh about it. Even though it still is so upsetting to me remembering it, I can at least chuckle about it now. In like 5 to 10 years, I'll be able to fully belly laugh about it, but right now I'm just. I'm just getting a chuckle out of that one. Anyway, thank you for listening. Thank you for hanging out today. I love you guys. I appreciate you guys. Follow anything goes on Instagram at anything goes on Twitter, at a G podcast, follow Anything goes anywhere you stream podcasts. Leave a review if you'd like. New episodes every Thursday. What else? Check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Right now I'm drinking a cold brew per usual. Literally. I just have a cold brew every day. It's nothing new. I'm drinking a cold brew in a Chamberlain coffee Tumblr cup. They are my favorite cups. I drink everything out of them. I drink water. I drink coffee. I drink sparkling water. I drink mixed drinks. Alcoholic mixed drinks out of them like I'm not getting everything. OK. It's my favorite Tumblr on the planet, so that's what I'm that's my vibe today. But anyway, check that out if you want. That's what I got. Thank you for listening. Talk to you next week. You guys are awesome. Love you.