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Carvana has purchased over a million cars from Happy customers by giving them an offer within minutes, and they can do the same for you. Carvana will give you a real offer for your car within minutes. Then they'll come to pick up your car and pay you on the spot. So to get a real offer on your vehicle in minutes, download the app or visit carvana.com. Hey, everybody. I've literally had to rerecord this intro six times because they keep burping I like the most. Uncomfortable. Time. And instead of trying to like, push through it and just try to act like it didn't happen. I've just decided to read record. The intro six times, so this is my 6th or 7th. Intro recording. I'm just praying. That I can get through it without a burp. It's all I want. It's all I want anyway. I've been in bed for four days because I got back from a 10 day trip. And. I was provided. I was pretty wrecked. Emotionally, physically. Socially. Destroyed. So I just spent the last four days in bed. I watched. Weird. **** on YouTube. I showered. Maybe once. And I only got out of bed to poop and pee and eat. Really? And it was great. I'm feeling nice and recharged. And here I am. Ready to talk and ready to discuss. So today's episode is something that I've been. Sitting on for a long time because. I knew I wanted to make an episode about it, but I didn't have the words. Like the thought wasn't fully formed in my head for so long, and today I feel like I finally have figured it out and I really think that this topic is important. For everybody, but especially for. Young women. As a young woman myself. This is something I really, really ******* struggled with throughout my life. And. I wish that. Somebody would have talked to me about it and I just. I'm almost getting ******* emotional. What are we, 2 minutes in? Two minutes and I'm about to start crying. What the ****? OK, I'm not. I'm not gonna start crying. But like, this is something that's really near and dear to my heart. And. Let's just get into it. OK, so I want to start this off by a little disclaimer. That you know this topic might not relate to everybody directly and exactly you know what I'm saying, but I think that it can relate. To anybody if they mold it to fit their life and to fit their specific. Scenario I'm going to be. Sharing a perspective from a young woman who? Is attracted to men. Specifically and so that's kind of. The basis of my narrative, but I do think that this could fit. In just about any other narrative. But I'm mainly going to be talking about it. From my point of view, because. That's the only experience I've ever had. So. Growing up for some reason. I've always been very. Boy, crazy a little bit. You know, like, it's funny. I remember like my first memory of having a crush. I was four years old and I had this extreme crush on this boy in my preschool class. And. His name was Luca. I'll say his name because I don't like I I I don't even really fully believe that he even exists. Like, it's such like a distant memory. Like, I just there's so many Lucas on this planet. I really think we're good here. Like, I don't think I'm impeding on his privacy here anyway. My first crush was on this boy named Luca, and he was in preschool and I was four years old and I remember my family. Would pick on me in a funny way because. They were like, Emma, you've literally been obsessed with boys since you were four. Like, you're not you. You're not even like. Tasting puberty yet and you're already like, whatever. Having these intense crushes. And so that really set the tone for me. I've always had like very intense crushes. For whatever reason. And then I remember my elementary school crush. Was intense. You know, like I was obsessed with this kid. I mean, I'm not kidding, like. Obsessed with him. And I would write his name down over and over in my diary. And. I would flirt with him at school. I remember I've told a story before about how he, him and his family surfed and how I had these ******* Roxy brand Capri. Cargo pant looking things. Roxy is a surf brand. If you didn't know for some context. I had these little Roxy Cargo Capri pants and I wore them to school and I was like, hey. These are Roxy like the Surf brand. Meanwhile, I mean, I'm like maybe seven years old. I I don't know how I was. Already like flirting like that. Like what the **** it. It honestly is bizarre to me, but whatever. He was like, OK, cool. And then walked away anyway. I was shattered. That's beside the point. Middle school rolls around. Here comes a whole new influx of crushes. I'm pretty sure throughout middle school I probably had at least 10 intense crushes. On. God knows who at God knows what time. Like I I. It was like constantly evolving. The moral of the story is, is that I've always really, really. Been obsessed with like boys and and I don't. I say this for context because it's going to make sense, to be brutally honest. It's kind of embarrassing for me to admit in a way, because I think that. There's a scale for for people as to like how heavily they feel attracted to people that they don't have an emotional connection to. For whatever reason. Mine can be very strong, and that and that genuinely embarrasses. Like, I'm embarrassed. It's because of my imagination, right? I build these people up and I'm just like, ah. They would be the best boyfriend ever. Best boyfriend. Ever. You know. And then it's like. If I were to actually date them, it would probably be a nightmare, but the reason why I'm talking about this and the reason why I bring up my. Intense. Passion for boys. Is because this really strong? Feeling? And my. Tendency to get these really strong crushes. Made me. Value the opinion. Of whoever my given crush was at the moment. Probably more than I should have. Right. And. I was always very analytical. Of the guys that I had crushes on because for whatever reason I was just. I mean, I think this is relatively normal. I think that. The truth is, I think most people probably have crazy extreme crushes all the time and it's like just kind of unspoken and nobody talks about it so. For me, I feel like I'm weird because I have these crazy crushes, but in reality it might be more normal than I think. I just always felt like kind of an outcast with my friends because I was like, why are you guys not freaking out that like so and so just walked by our table. They're like. They go to our school. I'm like, yeah, but I don't know, like I felt like I was always the most obsessed. And. I feel like I was also the most. Curious about what these boys thought about and how they lived and how they exist. Like, I don't know. I was paying the most attention to these boys out of everybody. And growing up, I was not. Into. All the stereotypical. Feminine kind of. Things, you know, I wasn't really into wearing, like. Stereotypical girly or feminine things. Listen, take that with a grain of salt. I don't necessarily like I we have to, you know, go with the stereo to like. Take it with a grain of salt, OK, but I wasn't into that stuff as much. And when I was younger, like when I was in preschool, in elementary school, it didn't really matter. But once I got into middle school, you know, I started to feel like, oh **** like, I need to start playing the game a little bit, you know, like. Girls are coming to school and they're looking really pretty and girly. And I was like, **** OK, I need to move. It's time to move. ******* everybody roll out. You know, like we need to start. Picking up the girly **** here because like. The boys are looking at them. They're looking at. The Girlier girls not at me, so I need to go. We need to start moving, you know, so. That was fine, and I started playing that game a little bit, but internally it didn't feel right, you know what I mean? Internally I was like, I don't really feel like I'm being myself, but I also didn't even know what that meant at the time, because I was. What, 13? So deep down I knew something felt kind of off, but it's like. How much self reflection can I do as a 13 year old? Not much. So I just kind of went with the flow of the whole thing and. You know, I had some boys like me here and there, but I always felt like I was kind of the last choice. In a way. Or not even a choice at all? When middle school hit, I had a realization that I don't even think I realized that I realized. Which was? That I didn't really fit. The stereotypical mold of a woman. And you might be like, yeah, I'm a because you were 13. No. It was more than that. You know, like. For starters. The way that I was dressing, you know, was very much emulating the girls around me that the guys liked. And. Things that I was interested in. Kind of all went away. Because they didn't fit the mold of what the other girls were doing. I used to be really into making like claymation animations. I like making little animated. Videos out of clay I used to be really into. Drawing even like there were so many things I was like really into, but then when I got to middle school, they didn't fit the mold. Of the girls that the guys liked, and so I threw all that away. I also hit puberty really late. I didn't hit puberty until I was 16. I didn't get my period until I was 16 years old. So. You can imagine how underdeveloped I looked. You know, in middle school especially, I was super short. Had absolutely no curve in my body. What? Like nothing? Like no **** no **** no nothing. People used to call me. What did they call me? I don't remember there was some sort of like, guys used to make fun of me because I didn't have *****. And they would say that, like my if I was like wearing a white shirt, they would say it looked like paper, like I just looked like a piece of paper. Whatever. It's fine. Bullying is good sometimes, you know, I'm getting bullying's never good. Don't do that. But I'm saying in my case, like, I could ******* handle it. I was fine. Don't bully other people, but to the people who bullied me, I forgive you because we're actually friends now. Like, I feel like I'm cool with all of them, so it's fine, but. You know it, it became very clear to me. Pretty early on in my life that I just did not fit the stereotypical mold of a woman. Now that begs the question, what is the stereotypical mold of a woman? To me, at that time, what a woman looked like was basically any famous hot. Movie star female that the boys I had crushes on had hung up. On the walls of their room, like, that was what a woman was like to me and I was just nothing of the sort. Now, obviously, I'm 13, so it's like, OK, yeah, obviously you're not that, but I wasn't even close to that. I didn't even have an essence of that. And guess what? I didn't even have the potential to become that. And I knew that by the time I was 13, I was like, I'm never going to have. You know, big ******* in A and you know, curves of any sort. I I knew already. I was like that's just I'm just not built like that. Like, I'm just not built like that. And I'm just never gonna be like that. And. I'm also never gonna be somebody that. Is really into wearing, you know? Super feminine clothing and and you know, I'm just. I'm never gonna be like that and. There's nothing wrong with. Either of them, you know. There's nothing wrong with either of them. Being a woman? Who? Like, I mean, I think that at this point. In our world. I think that most people that you would talk to would agree that all of that **** is outdated and that we don't need to live life within those constraints anymore, right? But at the time when I was 13, you know, nobody was talking about that. So. I started to doubt myself as a woman and I. Didn't take myself seriously as a woman. And. It got even worse when, you know, people started to have their first kiss around 8th grade in middle school and people started getting boyfriends, like serious boyfriends. I mean, as serious as you can have an eighth grade. And I just was not catching up, like I just could not get there. I just could not. Crossover I didn't have the confidence to. Pursue that or try that. And I also didn't feel like anybody would want to date me anyway, you know, because I didn't fit that mold. 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The frame is clear obviously the lenses are clear and I got a tortoise frame and a Plaid frame so I can now it. Basically I have 3 pairs of reading glasses now. There are so many options, iconic base shapes and then all sort of frames to go on top retro classic neon sparkle. You'll definitely find your vibe I also love. Buying from a brand that really, really cares and pair provides glasses to a child in need for every pair that you buy. Get glasses as ever, changing as you are with pear. Go to pair eyewear com Emma for 15% off your first purchase. That's 15% off at PAIR eyewear.com/emma. Now. In high school. It was bad because. Of course, my obsessive crushes continued. I obsessive is really honestly. Doing myself a disservice because I was not obsessive, but I. In my opinion I was obsessive, but I it was not unhealthy by any means. I just really, really. Liked these boys. Like I would just get so like I was so beside myself in love with them. Like I would close my eyes at night and it was all I thought about, which to me seems obsessive. But I wasn't like ******* tracking their. Phones and like trying to figure out what that where they were and **** like. Not like that obsessive. I wasn't watching them sleep through their window, OK? I was just thinking about them 24/7 all day and that was all I thought about all the time. All day, in class, in going to bed at night, every when I was in the shower. Not in a weird way like but. Every second I was thinking about whoever I was having a crush on at that moment, which to me is obsessive. Now that I've defended myself, let's continue. In high school I had my first kiss. And this was an absolute train wreck because the reason why I decided to have my first kiss on the day that I did have my first kiss was because I was one of the last people in my friend group. To have their first kiss and it was a New Year's party and everybody was like, well, get it over with tonight we have the we have a perfect specimen. He's open to participating. Just do it. So that's how I had my first kiss. Umm. And I remember. In the moment of it. Thinking like. I'm not meant for this like. I just am not. Like I'm not cut out for this like I'm not. Good at being a woman. I'm I'm not good at this stuff. I'm not confident. I don't have like, this confident weightiness about me that I imagine the ideal woman does have. I don't. Look the way that. I should. I didn't feel like worthy of. Receiving any kind of male attention. You know. Because I was like. I don't fit the ******* mold like. Why should any guy like me or be interested in me or even ******* kiss me, even if it's forced on New Year's? Because I hadn't had my first kiss like I I didn't feel like I deserved. Appreciation, in a way, from men because I didn't feel like I fit. The mold. My first. High school relationship that never even actually turned into a real relationship because it only lasted 2 weeks absolutely went up in flames. Partially because. I think that I had a crush on the idea of this boy rather than the actual, you know, reality of who he was. Not that he's a bad guy, but just like he wasn't the type of guy I thought he was. Right? So I think I kind of had a crush on the idea of him, which was the first misstep. But the second misstep was that once we started. Kind of going on dates in a way I just didn't have. The confidence. To behave like a normal human being because, again, I just didn't feel like I was worthy. I felt like I was a phony almost. I was like, I'm not a real woman. Like I don't have ***** I don't have a ****. Like I don't *******. I don't know how to. Give off this like essence of hotness, like, in any ******* way. Like, I don't. I don't know how to ******* do that. Like I was like, I I'm not prepared for this. Like I don't fit the mold and I can't do it basically every. Romantic situation I got myself into in high school. Blew up in flames. Because. I. Felt. So. Underqualified? You know. I felt underqualified physically because I felt like I didn't look the part. I felt underqualified mentally because I felt like. I didn't have the personality of a desirable woman. I felt like I wasn't experienced enough as well because. I had very few experiences because all of them had been. Stopped by my. Feeling of inadequacy. And it was just this absolute train wreck, you know? He was this absolute train wreck and. You know, I also had a few bad experiences as well. That kind of made it worse. Like, I remember I had this massive crush sophomore year of high school. On this guy and he was like. This guy that a lot of girls liked. And holy **** I can't believe I'm telling this story. Wait, uh, this is kind of spicy. This is kind of spicy, OK? And. Umm. Basically. We were at a beach bonfire and at these beach bonfires, like, literally the whole point was that everybody would go and then they would just go ******* like, somehow somebody would be like. Uh, yeah, I choose you. And then two people would go. Hide behind like a rock. And just like. Make out for like 15 minutes and then come out. OK, so that's high school. Which I don't miss in any way. Like, what the **** anyway? So I went to one of these beach bonfires and. For whatever reason, this guy chose me. And I was like, oh **** now. Meanwhile, I had only kissed two people. Prior to him. And I mean like, I not. I had no experience, OK? I didn't know how to ******* kiss a boy. Barely. And it takes a little bit of practice, Long story short. This dude, like, grabs my arm and just, like, starts walking and I'm like, Oh my God, I'm so excited. Like, I have a crush on this guy. But like, I don't know what I'm doing. Like, what am I gonna do? Meanwhile, this guy is like he's literally gone. And like. Dated girls in grades above us, like he's like, weirdly experienced and like, whatever, I don't know on what sick planet? He must have just been bored of all the girls that had ***** and just decided that he was in the mood for me this day. Whatever. Uh. I I I make that joke in the most respectful way possible. Like, I'm not trying to be, like, insensitive. I'm making fun of myself here, OK? And there's nothing wrong with not having big *****. I love my *****. I have nothing against them. I'm just saying that. Wait. I'm just realizing. I'm realizing that this is about to go on the Internet. There's so much emotion going on anyway. OK, Long story short. We go over there. I'm shaking physically like my hand is physically shaking. We kiss. It goes awful. It goes ******* awful. He steps back from me. He looks at me for like 3 seconds and just walks away and says nothing to me. I remember this like, Oh my God it was so bad you guys. It was bad. Like bad. That ****** me up. That ****** me up. That ****** me up for. Ooh. Two years. I I literally was like, Oh my God, I knew it. Like, I'm not worthy of this. Like, I'm not worthy of participating in this. Like I don't deserve this. Like I'm I failed. You know. And so. AM. I went through a phase after that. Where I really just. Blocked boys out of my head. You know, I pretty much shut off that whole part of my brain. I didn't even really have crushes anymore. For like 2 years. I didn't literally look at a boy. I didn't think about boy, I just boys did not exist to me after that for like 2 years. And then I got a crush on another boy. Because you know you can't hide for long. And then that became my first boyfriend. And I think that my first relationship, my first real relationship, did help me. Start to feel more comfortable. With the whole concept of. Being, you know at all intimate with a guy. In learning that like. Hey, I can do it. I can do it and I'm. I deserve it, you know? I think that. It's almost impossible to get comfortable with that without being in your first relationship. Uh, I think that that's like, I I don't think I would have ever had that kind of breakthrough if I wouldn't have, you know? Had my first relationship like I had to have that first relationship to. Truly rip the Band-Aid off, right? But the problem doesn't end there. Because although my first relationship helped me. Get over the intimacy boundary that I had. It didn't help with my self-esteem. Myself, esteem was still pretty bad. And I think that my bad self esteem. Genuinely stemmed from the media, you know, like from the media. From YouTube and girls that I watched on YouTube and. You know, seeing beautiful. Women that had very stereotypically feminine bodies like all these different things, right? And. Seeing girls at school. Who? Were, you know, fit the mold them get the most attention. It was like all of that combined just was so ******* hammered into my head. That I just couldn't shake it. It was just it became the way that my brain worked, you know? And so that followed me. Even after I had my first relationship and I got through, you know, a few of those obstacles, there were still many obstacles that needed to be. Navigated around. And most of them were mental. OK, so I've told you guys about circle before, right? Spelled CIRKUL. Circle was created for people like me, OK, who don't drink enough water every day circles basically this water bottle with over 40 flavor cartridges that makes drinking water way more tasty. The flavors cover all the bases. They have fruit, punches, iced teas. Some even have caffeine or electrolytes, but there's no sugar, there's no calories, and there's no artificial flavors. My favorite flavor is strawberry Kiwi. And my favorite thing about it is I love how the dial on the cartridge lets you choose how much flavor you get per sip. 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A few things that I noticed about my generally bad. Self esteem. Was that? My bad self esteem caused me to allow. Myself to be treated worse than I maybe deserved. Like in moments when I could have said. To a guy you know. Can you stop being a ******* *******? I just didn't say anything. Or in moments when you know. I was being disrespected in any way by guys I just like wouldn't speak up. And the thing that's so ****** about that is that not only did I get hurt in that process, but also those guys could have learned something from me. I could have been like, you can't ******* talk to people like that. You can't talk to women like that. You can't talk to anybody like that. I could have said that's not the way that you behave in that scenario. Etcetera, etcetera. They could have learned something and I could have. Gotten less hurt, but that didn't happen because I had zero spine. I also. Never showed my true personality in relationships because I was always trying to be this ideal woman, right? So like. I would only show interests that I had. To guys that I was talking to or dating that I thought that they would think was. Impressive. You know, I wasn't fully authentically myself. I was just. Showing bits and pieces of me that I thought. That they would like that would. Make me seem like the ideal woman. And I wasn't necessarily lying about who I was. It was more that I was selective about what sides of myself that I would choose to show. And. I think you know through more relationship experiences throughout my older life, you know? And having more freedom to be really, truly myself in all ways I've been able to release that fear. That I'll be rejected if I'm not the ideal woman. And I've learned to appreciate, like my body exactly as it is, you know, it's like. I mean, I might not have. The body of, you know, Catwoman in her suit, with her, you know, more curvaceous body. I might not have that. That's OK. I don't ******* care anymore. I'm over it. I'm like, I'm over it. And guess what? My mindset has changed now where I'm like, listen. You get what you get with me? All or nothing. And I think the other thing that helped me reach this place was just simply getting fed up of feeling like I needed to alter who I was to please guys. When in reality, I don't think that the guys ******* care. I don't think that they care. I can't speak for them, but I do not think that they care. I don't think that. Guys. Are expecting a ******* like. Stereotypical idea of a woman. I don't think that they're expecting anything like, you know. I think they're just expecting whatever makes the most sense to them in that given moment, whoever makes the most sense to them in that given moment, whoever fits their criteria for a significant other at that given moment. It's not about the stupid surface level ****. It's not about fitting some sort of feminine mold, or fitting any mold in general. It's about genuine human connection. And the special connection that humans share that we can't even really explain? Within relationships, that's what people are seeking, not ******* like. Any kind of stupid? External. Factor, you know. The thing that makes us individuals. So special is the fact that we're all so different. We all have very different backgrounds, very different interests, very different styles, very different views on life. That's what makes. Being human, such a rich experience is that there's so many different types of people. And. You know the perfect significant other for you. Is going to look very different than your best friend, and it's going to look very different. Than your neighbor. You know what I mean. Like. It's just not as simple. As fitting a mold and I always. Felt like I needed to fit that mold and guess what it did. It stopped me. From. Truly getting to know the guys I had crushes on. And it stopped me from. Having a not awkward kiss in high school, I could have definitely gone for like a genuinely good fun kiss in high school. Like, I definitely could have done that. Like, I definitely would have liked to have done that. But instead, every single experience I had was extremely awkward and uncomfortable for me and not enjoyable whatsoever because I was so concerned about the fact that I did not fit the right mold. Don't take a shot every time I say mold. Please because. There will be death involved, but anyway, the moral of the story is. There are a lot of molds. In our world. There's the mold of the stereotypical ideal man. The mold of the stereotypical ideal woman. The mold of the stereotypical ideal mother, Father, grandmother, uncle. Everything everything has a ******* mold, right? Even things like art have a mold. Learning to accept that you're never going to fit perfectly into those molds. Is one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself. Because it allows you to truly lean into who you really are. Regardless of what it looks like. So that you can. Except yourself. And feel confident in your own skin. So that you can experience life to the fullest and have fun. I didn't have ******* fun. For so long. Because I was so concerned that I didn't. Fit the mold of a woman you know. I stopped myself from experiencing so many fun different things. You know. Because I just. Felt like. There was something wrong with me. You know. And The funny thing about it is, is that, you know, all of these molds are just stupid and pointless anyway. Like, they're not real. They're not a real thing. They're. Limitations that are put on by our own imagination. They're not a real thing. And I think that once you look at it like that, it's so much easier to say, well then **** with that. Like, **** all of that. ****. OK. I don't want any of that. Also, by the way, I don't know what type of like. The words that just came out of my mouth two sentences prior. To this one I like, there was definitely some sort of mix up like with my body when the words were coming out. The way it came out just sounded real scary to me and concerning, but anyway. I think that that's all I got for today, guys. I really. Really just wanted to talk about this because. It's just something that I've struggled with. Throughout my life up until recently. And. Although it's kind of hard to avoid, I think that it can be comforting to hear if it's something that you're struggling with now. That there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I think that you absolutely grow out of it. You evolve out of it. And you really learn to appreciate your own individuality and. What makes you who you are? And I think that something that I've more recently become proud of within myself is that. I don't. Care about. What? Stereotypical mold. Something fits into if I enjoy it, I'm going to enjoy it. I don't care if it's deemed. Girly. Or it's ******* deemed like, whatever, like shut the **** **. Like shut up with all of that. It's stupid. I don't care, and I don't care if people make assumptions about me. You know based on. Things that I'm interested in are things that I like. I know who I am. Within my core. And I know what I like. And I'm not gonna let anything get in my way. You know that. Like, there's no reason to do that if I want to dress a certain way. Because it makes me feel good, I'm gonna do that. And if other people are like, Oh well, she's kind of dressing like. A boy or she's kind of, you know, it's like. That's the dumbest **** I've ever heard in my life, and I know that this is a conversation that's been happening broadly, you know? In the world and on the Internet for a while now. But I just wanted to, you know, say that like. Just because it's something that we're, we've been talking about more on the Internet doesn't mean that it's not something that we still struggle with. You know, these stereotypes are still very prominent whether we like it or not, and although I don't think that they're necessarily. I don't know. I don't know if they're necessarily avoidable. I don't know. I don't know. I think that they're very ingrained in us and I think that to a certain extent. You know. There's nothing we can do about it, but I think that it's about. Rejecting it yourself. And just making the decision to ignore them. As much as you possibly can. And on that note, thank you guys for listening. I really enjoyed this episode. I hope that you guys had fun. I hope that you guys gained something from this in some way. I appreciate you all so much for coming back. In listening. I really appreciate you guys more than you know. And I'll talk to you next week. See ya.