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Bramble. This episode is brought to you by DoorDash. Get 50% off up to a $20 value in zero delivery fees when you download the DoorDash app and enter code anything goes. Pick yourself up a little snack and then you can listen to this episode and have a little snack. Why not? The hit max original The Sex Lives of College Girls is officially back in session for an all new season on HBO Max. From creators Mindy Kaling and Justin Noble, this comedy follows four college roommates at New England's prestigious Essex College. Returning from Thanksgiving break, the girls navigate new experiences and challenges during the hottest winter of their lives. In season two, Kimberly needs to fix her financial aid problems. Bella tries to start an all-female comedy magazine. Mindy finds herself lost without soccer season in latent grapples with coming out to her friends. With even more campus chaos, steamy hookups and relationship messiness, get ready for all of the feel good fun that can only be found at Essex College. Mark your calendars and don't miss new episodes of The Sex Lives of College Girls season two, now streaming only on HBO Max. Hello! Today I wanted to talk about something rated R, something for adults only. If you're not an adult, turn this episode off. Go and sit on your couch, turn on the TV and put on Coco Mellon. Put on Kaiju. Put on whatever you want. This episode is not for you, unless you're an adult, then stick around. They were talking about sex, the big S-E-X, sex. Yeah, I know. I know. It's gonna get crazy. I want to talk about all the ways that I was lied to about sex. Because growing up, my first impression of what sex was came from things like movies and music videos and even books. That was my first real exposure to what it really was. Because obviously, you know, your parents can give you the talk about the birds and the bees. You know, your school can even give you a talk about the birds and the bees, what sex is, how it works, etc., etc. But that only tells you about the technical stuff. Your first or at least my first impression of what it was really like was through different forms of entertainment pretty much. Now the problem is that things like movies and music videos and books and whatever, all of those things are forms of entertainment. Things are more entertaining when they're exaggerated, when they're perfect, right? And they're sort of a fantastical version. Oh, fantastical is not a word. Oh no, it is. Okay. Entertainment is always a little bit fantastical. It skips the boring stuff. It's ideal. You know, do I think that there's anything wrong with entertainment being that way? No. It's just, it is what it is. But the issue is that when young people are exposed to this stuff and their first impression of sex, for example, is that it's this hot and steamy, perfect situation that's so fun and spicy and crazy and perfect. Young people don't necessarily have the life experience and ability to properly criticize things in order to come to the conclusion that this is in fact fantastical and unrealistic. You know what I'm saying? And when you're young, your brain is like a sponge, you're just soaking up information, left and right, trying to gather as much as you can. And the problem is that along the way, you're going to soak up some shit that's not so good, not only with just sex and ideas about sex, but about many different things. But today we're specifically talking about sex. Because I'm 21 years old, I'm an adult now and I still, though I feel like I'm really good at sorting out bullshit from not bullshit, I feel like I'm old enough to be able to do that pretty well. I still find myself struggling with unlearning all of the ideas that I had about sex that were formed when I was a child from the media, honestly, the media that I was consuming as a child. Like I still struggle with unlearning all of this shit that I saw and I wanted to dig into it today. All of the things that I've had to unlearn about sex and I know I'm not the only one because I know that a lot of us, especially in my generation, grew up seeing sex portrayed in so many different ways in music videos, in movies, etc. and developed this sort of idea about it that was inaccurate. And through life experience and through more wisdom, I've started to sort of unravel my old perception of sex and form my new perception of it. When I started to get around the age where I was like, ooh, I might lose my virginity soon. I was very scared and insecure. And part of me didn't even want to do it, you know? Like I did, I did, but I didn't. I thought that sex was like a performance and everything about it is so hot and steamy and seamless and never awkward and it's very serious and there's no laughing and it's perfect and it's amazing and it feels amazing and everybody's so happy and it's the best experience of your life and it's so amazing and fun and you're doing all this stuff that's kind of intimidating and kind of weird when you've never done it before but it's like fucking awesome and it's so great and it's so hot and amazing. Now that to me was so intimidating because number one, I'm somebody that in times of discomfort, socially or whatever, I lean on humor and that's something you can't do with sex in theory. Like you totally can but I didn't think you could because my perception of sex was that it's very serious and hot and cracking a joke is maybe not serious and hot. You know what I mean? It's like that's not really what I think of when I think of serious and hot. So that freaked me out. Also I have never looked at myself and thought wow you are really hot. I'm sorry I just don't. I've had moments where I'm like okay cute but like I don't think of myself as being hot you know and I never have. Growing up I was a late bloomer. I didn't develop at the same time as my friends. I developed much later into my body if you will and even now like I the stereotypical hot features almost no one really has that like it's like an unrealistic expectation but I felt insecure because I didn't fit into that mold. Even though almost no one does it didn't matter because I didn't you know what I mean? I also am kind of clumsy sometimes and like I don't know I feel like I can be not super smooth all the way like I don't think of myself as like a smooth person right. I don't think I'm like smooth okay maybe I I don't think I am and that's another thing that I thought I needed to be to have sex right like I needed those qualities and when I looked at myself I had none of those qualities. So I was terrified of having sex because the perception I had of what sex was could not be farther from me could not have been farther from me over the years I've gotten more comfortable with it. I've taken a lot of the pressure off myself but there are still a lot of things that I'm unlearning. Number one it's just not this seamless hot perfect experience. I feel like when you're watching a movie and you see a sex scene and it's like two people meet in the subway and they lock eyes and then they get off the subway and they're like hey where are you going? It's like I'm going home where are you going? Oh cool I'm just going to go home too but maybe I could come with you and then it's like they go back to one of their apartments and then it's just like perfect. It's like this seamless experience. That's the only word I can use seamless. It's like there's no awkward pauses. There's no communicating like being like hey wait a minute. Can I go pee real quick before we do this? Like hold on I actually have to pee. I can't we can't start yet because I have to go pee. You know what I mean? There's nothing like that. Now listen in life are you going to have some sexual experiences that are perfect and seamless? Honestly probably you might have some experiences like that but it's not like that every time. Okay. You know you might be like taking your shirt off and then like your shirt like gets caught on your necklace and like you're trying to like fucking take your shirt off and it's like pulling on your necklace and then like your necklace breaks and you're like that was my fucking grandma's necklace and then you know you start crying and now you can't have sex and you have to take a pause and then it's like okay wait and then you get back into it like five minutes later but it's like there was this whole interlude of just chaos before you could you know or maybe you're starting to have sex but then you know you get your period and then you're bleeding all over the bed and then you're like oh my god wait is that okay and then the person you're having sex with is like wait actually no this is my roommates bed. I didn't tell you that but this is my roommates bed and they're going to be so super mad because we need to go move to another room or oh hey wait a minute put on a condom right now. Okay wait I have to go get a condom from the other room. Oh wait let me I got my condom now. Oh wait hold on now let me take a solid 15 to 20 seconds to put this condom on and then while the condom is being put on it's like what do you talk about. Oh nothing is it just silent in the room maybe there's no music playing it's awkward. You see what I'm saying that is the reality of sex like that's the reality of sex is that most of the time it's these fucking awkward you know there's like little awkward moments here and there that are kind of like this is this hurts you know what I mean because it's it's not what you see in the movies but that's the reality of what it really is I can't name the last time I had sex where like one of those things didn't happen you know it's like it always happens it's just part of it and I always beat myself up over it like I'm always like god damn it like this is your fault because you're not a smooth motherfucker you are a nerd dork you are a dork and you just can't get it right can you you know this is the shit I say to myself in my head but then I have to remind myself no that's not true is this thing all check one two one two hey y'all I'm Kiki Palmer I'm an actress singer an entrepreneur and a Virgo just the name of you now I've held so many occupations over the years that my fans lovingly nicknamed me Kiki keep a bag Palmer and trust me I keep a bag love but if you ask me I'm just getting started and there's so much I still want to do so I decided I want to be a podcast host I'm proud to introduce you to the baby this is Kiki Palmer podcast exclusively on Amazon music I'm putting my friends family and some of the dopest experts in the hot seat to ask them the questions that have been burning in my mind what will former child stars be if they weren't actors what happened to sitcoms it's only fans only bad I want to know so I asked my mom about it these are the questions that keep me up at night but I'm taking these questions out of my head and I'm bringing them to you because on baby this is Kiki Palmer no topic is off limits listen to baby this is Kiki Palmer exclusively on Amazon music download the Amazon music app now I'll talk to you soon love you know it's your girl this episode is brought to you by Dordash Dordash comes in handy in my life on almost a 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up to a $20 value in zero delivery fees when you download the Dordash app in the app store and enter code anything goes don't forget that's code anything goes for 50% off up to a $20 value in zero delivery fees with Dordash subject to change term supply the next thing that I realized was that sex doesn't have to be 100% serious as I told you earlier I had this sort of perception in this sort of view that sex was a very serious thing is very serious there's no room for joking around there's no room for a laugh you know it's all down to business hot steamy business that's it it's just not true like for example if something kind of silly happens maybe somebody farts maybe somebody queefs maybe slips off the bed and doesn't get injured you know maybe somebody gets a phone call maybe there's an awkward silence when someone's putting on a condom you know what I mean you can make jokes and be a little silly if you want have fun I always was so scared to be myself when I was having set like I'm not I'm not kidding like I was like I have to become a different person right now because for me I like to like joke around be silly that's just my personality most of the time and I felt like the second that things would transition from like being a normal interaction to like oh maybe this is getting a little romantic I would be like I need to be a different girl right now like I need to be a whole new me right now but yeah I felt like I needed to be this like hot mysterious version of me in a sexual environment and I don't know why like I don't know exactly what that stemmed from like I can't remember a movie where that was necessarily portrayed you know what I mean but it just somehow that idea formed in my head but now I'm realizing not only is it okay to joke around and have fun but also if you're not able to like be yourself and be silly if you want to be silly etc. in a sexual environment then it's not going to be enjoyable for you you know it's kind of like anything else in life the next thing is that sex doesn't look a specific way you know again this goes back to my fear that I didn't look the part I didn't feel like I fit into this ideal mold of what I'm supposed to look like to be attractive to people sexually like I just was like I don't know I don't like fit this mold exactly so this I feel embarrassed and weird you know now I obviously realize how ridiculous that is because there is no specific way that sex looks like it's just human beings hopefully having a good time that's the only way it's supposed to look and you don't have to look any certain type of way to be attractive to somebody else like sorry I'm having a sip of my coffee it's really sad to me honestly that I used to feel like I wasn't deserving in a way of like a sexual experience because I didn't have this sort of look if you will that everyone seemed to idolize in a sexual way it's sad to me because I know that I'm not the only one to be honest I think 99.9% of people on this planet have probably felt this way at some point feeling like well I'm not attractive enough to have sex like I don't I don't feel attractive enough there's like everybody's probably felt like that at one point because a lot of times what we see when we're growing up is a lot of people who look a certain type of way but it's also like that with so many different types of things you know you could find yourself feeling like I can't wear this outfit because you know my boobs are too small or you know my thighs don't won't look good in that like you know we find ourselves in a self-inflicted box all the time because we feel like we don't have the right body or look to do a certain thing this isn't just relevant with sex this is relevant with everything you know I think a lot of us struggle with feeling like we can't do things because we don't look the part but that's not true at all because that's all an illusion it's all an illusion and it's dumb and when you realize that it's sort of an illusion that this is what's attractive this is what looks good blah blah once you realize that all that is an illusion and it kind of means nothing in reality like in if you were to like strip away all of the social media chatter and all of the media chatter in general and all of the voices that we hear on a daily basis that are pretty much irrelevant you know next I learned there's a lot of communication that takes place with sex that like never gets shown you know obviously communication with consent of course you know making sure that everyone involved consents to being involved that's number one number two during sex you kind of have to tell people what works for you and what doesn't because everyone's different and the person you're having sex with can't read your mind so they can't just look at you and say oh this person likes this no because everybody likes different things and some things work for some people and not for others and the only way for everyone involved to know how to make the experience enjoyable for the other person is for communication to take place but can I be honest it's kind of awkward sometimes being like hey wait can you do this like this kind of awkward kind of breaks the breaks the you know fantasy of it for a second when you're like eh you're not really doing a good job can you do it like this it kind of is uncomfortable it's uncomfortable confrontation in life is already uncomfortable but confrontation during sex is like 10 times more uncomfortable because number one you're scared of ruining the vibe but number two you're scared of hurting someone's feelings but number three if you don't speak up you're not having a good time you're not enjoying yourself and you're not getting what you want to get out of it you know what I mean you're not having a enjoyable experience so everything about it is like challenging it's challenging the communication element of sex is challenging because it goes against this whole idea that sex is like this fantasy dream experience it's this perfect hot sexy gorgeous 20 minutes of your life and that's what you see in the movies and the music videos it's like this perfect experience but speaking up about something being like hey can you put on a condom hey can you do this a little bit differently hey are you on birth control hey blah blah blah blah blah all of this crucial conversation is scary and uncomfortable and I think part of that is because we rarely see it when we're growing up like we don't see that in the movies the music videos etc we don't see it and when you've never seen something before and you have to do it without any example to go off of for the first time it's scary the first 10 20 times you have to bring up those serious things and you have to communicate in a sexual environment it's intimidating because we're not reassured by the movies that it's not going to kill the vibe that it's not going to be awkward that it's not going to be weird and it's unfortunate because I think that communication is one of the most important parts of enjoyable sexual experiences and yet there's not really a lot of talk about what that even looks like and you kind of just have to figure it out once you're in it and there's no example to go off of you can't I mean I've never seen that in a movie next thing I learned sex isn't always this extremely pleasurable experience physically like I feel like I always believed that nothing in the world feels better than sex like it is the best feeling in the world now listen it is great it is but like not always it doesn't always feel like a euphoric experience every once in a while sometimes yeah but not all the time especially if maybe you just meet someone for the first time and you're like having sex for the first time there's a decent chance it's not it might not be actually that great it might not actually feel physically that great because you don't understand each other's bodies yet you know you don't know what each other likes yet so it might not be the most euphoric experience of your life like like you expected to be I remember the first few times I had sex I was like what the fuck is going on I don't it's like I it's fine but it's not great like I don't feel like I'm transcending reality right now necessarily like it's pretty good but and then since then you know I've had experiences that are incredible you know they mean incredible great experiences but that's not 100% of the time and I think for whatever reason there's just less of an emphasis on bad sex and like how real that reality is and also normal it is in how it's not necessarily anyone's fault you know sometimes you and someone else just might not click properly or there wasn't enough communication about what you and the other person likes so then it's just kind of like you know you guys are trying to mind read with each other and you don't really strike gold that way things don't really go as well as you wanted them to it's just not always going to be amazing incredible it's just not and that's okay that's part of it but you know you don't need to hate somebody or hate yourself over it this episode of anything goes as sponsored by macy's black Friday is right around the corner and let me tell you I love black Friday I love it I've always loved it my whole life I love it I love sales I love the excitement I love all of it macy's has been a friend of the show anything goes for quite a while now and I'm really excited because this year I made a black Friday gift guide directly on macy's website for any of you that are stumped on what to get your loved ones this holiday season fear no more that is what my gift guide on macy's is for last year a lot of you used my macy's gift guide and found it very helpful but I will say I think my gift guide this year is even better as always black Friday is the perfect time to shop for whatever you need or maybe even treat yourself maybe get yourself a little gift whatever you need 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straight I mean no complaints from me macy's has the Thanksgiving day parade which is very exciting this year marks the 96th annual macy's Thanksgiving day parade with all the amazing floats and balloons and entertainment that were used to this year's lineup looks really really good I always feel nostalgic seeing all of the characters and themes that they include it's just such a good family activity watching the parade every year it's a hoot I have so many nostalgic memories of having it on the TV while I'm chopping carrots and sweet potatoes for my grandma just a good memory this year the parade will be live from NYC on NBC and streaming on peacock Thursday November 24th 9am to noon in all time zones for all of the fun details check out macy's dot com slash parade the next thing is that sexes of very emotional experience in some ways I didn't really realize that until I experienced it myself and I kind of felt weird I was like am I thinking too hard about this am I feeling too deeply about this like sexual experiences are not neutral emotionally having sex with somebody that you love can make you love that person in a deeper way it can make you feel more emotionally attached to that person which can be exciting it can also be frightening I've like really liked somebody and then had sex with them and then been like oh shit like I really I care about them now and now I'm scared because I like them and what happens if they leave me what happens if they don't like me anymore now what happens if and so on and so forth like the connection that you have with another person when you have sex is not just surface level it gets into your psyche a little bit maybe not for everybody but for me at least it does one time I had sex with somebody that I didn't like we've all been there like that I didn't like like I didn't have a crush on them I didn't really like them I just kind of did it because I was like why not you know sure I want to try something new I want to try having sex with somebody that I don't really have feelings for and just like see how it makes me feel some people have no issue with that it destroyed me mentally okay it was not good for me that might just be me like some people might have no issue with that some people might be like me it was really upsetting for me I felt really weird I felt like I opened myself up to somebody who didn't deserve it and they didn't it's not that they didn't deserve it because they're not a good person or because they did anything wrong but it was just that they neither of us appreciated each other very much you know like we we didn't like each other or even want to be friends with each other you know it was kind of an exchange and it was kind of transactional and like I don't know I don't know like that to me just bugged me it bugged me I didn't like it I didn't like the way it made me feel and it really bummed me out for a long time like for over a year it bummed me out I'm not kidding like I would think about it at night and be like I don't know like like it just bothered me for some reason my point of this is is that sexual experiences can be very emotional and can impact you emotionally in big ways and to assume that as long as the experience is respectful and you know relatively healthy that it's going to be neutral emotionally is not true even an experience that looks good on paper could have a serious emotional effect on you for God knows what reason it's an emotional thing you're you're being extremely vulnerable with another human being and vulnerability can make you emotional you know and last but not least sex is very serious like I know we get sex ed at school and you know the teachers are like well if you don't want to get pregnant you need to use birth control and if you don't want to get an STD you need to use condoms and you need to make sure that everybody involved is on the same page and is consenting like we get that conversation but for some reason I don't feel like it sticks as hard as it should for example I find myself sometimes forgetting this sounds crazy but hear me out I sometimes forget that having sex at least in my experience and who I have sex with I could get pregnant you know what I'm saying like I forget this like I have weirdly separated the act of having sex for funzies and having sex to get pregnant like I've separated those things in my mind and I always forget when I have sex that like I could get pregnant it's a serious thing you know what I mean it's a serious like I should not and those things should not be distant in my mind you know I shouldn't forget I shouldn't be forgetting you know that like this very serious thing could happen but I find myself forgetting that another thing I think a lot of people sometimes forget in the heat of the moment I could get an STD from this person if I don't know them and you know me and we both have a Minessee D check like I could fully get an STD it's like I think we forget so often how serious of a thing sex is there are a lot of risks involved life changing things that could happen you know it's it's not I think it's taken too lightly at times you know and I don't know I don't think that that's anyone's fault you know I think it's just it's just something that I think is exacerbated by the fact that when you're watching a movie when you're watching TV when you're doing whatever when you're hearing about sex it's always about the fun stuff a lot of the times not all the time of course but for some reason we separate the serious parts of sex and the fun parts of sex and we don't remember always that all of that is included in this in this act do you see it I don't know maybe that's just me maybe that's just me I forget sometimes how fucking serious of a thing it is and I just think it's like this fun thing you know but then every once in a while I have an epiphany and I remember I'm like hold on a minute wait I have not been looking at this from the right point of view I've been looking at this like it's no biggie and my concern has been like am I being cringed am I being weird do I look the part to be having sex oh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah why am I not thinking about what's really important to be thinking about when it comes to sex which is all of the serious parts about it you know I don't know I just think that they're very important to remember and I and I always like I don't know I don't think I took it seriously when I was younger all the serious stuff getting pregnant getting an STD whatever it may be I was like well that just I don't know I'm just not gonna think about that that just won't happen to me like what I don't know what like that's not how that works anyway that's all I have for today you guys thank you for listening I hope that you enjoyed this episode as always please let me know what you think have you experienced these kinds of feelings about sex have you changed your perspective on sex as you've grown up are you still working on it did you never struggle with this like let me know the Twitter is at a g podcast and the Instagram is at anything goes you can tweet me DM me do whatever let me know what you think follow anything goes on any platform you stream podcasts check out Chamberlain Coffee my coffee company I'm actually drinking in ice latte right now using the Chamberlain Coffee Butterfly blend it's very yummy it's a light roast really good drinking it in the Chamberlain Coffee mace in jar with a little Chamberlain Coffee Metal straw like I have the whole thing happening right now you can use code AG 15 for a little discount on the Chamberlain Coffee website special for you guys and that's all I have for today thank you so much for listening thank you for hanging out until next week love you talk later bye