Anything Goes with Emma Chamberlain

Emma prefers to share her thoughts with a microphone rather than a physical human being, so thank god she has a podcast. Recorded from the comfort of her bed, Emma talks at length about whatever is on her mind every week. Anything really does go on this podcast. Sometimes philosophy, sometimes a random story from 10 years ago, sometimes advice, and sometimes nothing at all. You never know what you are going to get, but that’s what keeps it interesting. New episodes every Thursday.

rock bottom

rock bottom

Thu, 12 Aug 2021 10:00

You may have noticed, Emma took a break from YouTube. For a while she was feeling uninspired and lacking creativity, and in this episode gets very introspective as to why she was feeling that way, and how it was casting some really dark clouds over her. Discussions on ways to become inspired again, finding your self-worth, and why hitting rock bottom isn’t the end. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: Learn more about your ad choices. Visit

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No, seriously. Let's set you up on Shopify. It's easy. I always knew you would build your own business, guys. Yum. When you're ready to bring your idea to life, build it on Shopify. Sign up for a free 14 day trial at 22, 22. Hey guys. Today I'm going to be talking about a realization that I had over the past week or so. And. I think the only appropriate way to start this is by telling a story, because. I need to set the scene here. So for some context. I've been making YouTube videos. Since I was 16 and I'm 20 now. And that's about four years. And I started YouTube. Because I needed a hobby. I needed like a creative outlet. I needed something to put my energy towards because I was struggling with. One of the most severe. Cases of depression that I've dealt with in my life. One of the worst. Episodes I've ever had. And I needed something to excite me, to Get Me Out of bed in the morning, to distract me from. My mental pain and so I started my YouTube channel. And. That gave me something to work on. That gave me something to do that gave me something to fixate on and obsess over. That was healthy and productive. And positive. And. That's not to say that I didn't face many depressive episodes. After starting a YouTube channel because let me tell you I did and I still continue to but. It was a great first step. And. My passion with YouTube. Fell heavily upon. Editing, editing the videos. I enjoyed filming the videos for sure, but where I really felt creative and where I really. Felt inspired was in the editing. And I got really into editing and I started editing videos more and more complicated. I started to make the edits of these videos more and more complicated. And. It got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore because I started to do other things as well. I started a podcast, you know, I was working on other projects and I also wanted to have a social life because. I had just moved to LA and I was like, OK, I need to. Meet friends and be social and be a teen and enjoy my time here in LA and I felt like I couldn't do it all at once. And. So I quit editing and I handed that off to a very talented editor. Whom is now a friend. In whom? I appreciate. More than words can explain, but I handed off editing to him. And. Ever since then, he's been editing my videos. And so basically you know the only part of YouTube that. I've been doing for the past. Almost two years now is just filming, right? Just filming my own videos. And. The whole process. Definitely got easier, you know? It's like I'm not. Having to do The Dirty work anymore. The Dirty work was editing. But you know, I found somebody who was talented in who. Could edit better than I could Even so. It seemed so natural to just hand the job off to him. And creating YouTube videos became easier because it was easier for me to be consistent. I could. Film and video whenever I wanted and then just send it off to him and the rest of the work was his and I could move on to the next one. And that was something that I craved so badly because it felt like before I was on this constant grind of filming and then immediately editing. And filming and then editing and then filming and then editing. And it was like, I never got a break. If I wanted to be consistent on YouTube, you know, I had to be constantly working on it 24/7 and I just couldn't do it anymore, so. I handed the work off to an editor and I. Felt great about it and for the past two years. That structure has been. Incredible. But within the past six months, something happened. To me. And it was kind of subconscious, and I and I didn't even notice that it was happening. And it might sound. Completely. Dark and ****** ** but. Over the past six months I've developed this. Extreme level of self hatred. And. That showed itself in really obvious ways. For example, you know, anytime I would lay in bed. Relax, try to relax. I would feel guilt the whole time. I'd be angry at myself the whole time for laying in bed. Which is also backwards, because you know, I know that laying in bed is necessary, and I know that sometimes you need to lay in bed for a few days, and I'll give advice on this podcast saying if you need to lay in bed, lay in bed. Don't beat yourself up over it yet. I. Would not let myself rest like if I was resting, I would feel guilty. And I think a big part of that was because I was like, Emma, your job is so ******* easy. You film a video and you send it off to an editor. You don't even have to do anything. Why are you in bed all day? You don't deserve to lay in bed. You don't work hard enough. My self hatred was showing itself in. Other ways though too, you know like. When I would have social interactions with people, I constantly felt like I was being cringey or embarrassing and I was constantly reflecting on different social interactions that I would have. And I would nitpick them and just. Mentally destroy myself. Saying mean things to myself about how I behave in social situations. Even if I was acting completely normal, I would pick myself apart. And. Get angry at myself for not being funnier or not being more outgoing or being too outgoing. I always had something negative to say about myself. But the thing that was weird about all of this was that it was all subconscious. It was like this silent war going on in my mind where I was constantly beating myself up, constantly being hard on myself, whether it was not working hard enough or being lazy or not having enough hobbies or not being talented at anything or. Not being proud of how I am in social situations, like I was constantly beating myself up. But The thing is, is that it was all subconscious. It was all in the back of my head and nobody really knew about it and to be honest, I wasn't even fully aware of it like it was happening. In the background it was like white noise in my head. And. I would have moments where I was aware of it and I was like, this needs to stop. Like, why am I so ******* mean to myself? But. I kind of never really let it come to the forefront of my brain because I was constantly distracting myself with. Talking to people on the phone and. You know, even reading books or like watching documentaries or watching YouTube or. Hanging out with people, like whatever it was. I was constantly distracting myself, so I never really let. This come to the forefront of my head and I never really let myself fully acknowledge that I had a problem and I was. Dealing with an extreme case of self loathing. But here is when **** hit the fan, you see? Like it got to a point where this self loathing was so bad that I couldn't create things like. I had so much self hatred and self doubt. And it was building up. So when I would go to film a YouTube video or I'd go to record a podcast. I didn't believe in myself and I also didn't. Believe that anybody wanted to hear anything that I had to say and I didn't believe that. Anybody? Wanted to watch anything that I created, like I would convince myself of that. While I was trying to create things. And at a certain point I hit. Rock bottom. I was like, I can't. Film. Because every time I try to turn on the camera. I feel like everything I said was cringy. I feel like everything I said was embarrassing. I feel like. Everything that I'm doing is cringey and embarrassing. I feel like everything that I'm saying, everything about me I feel is just dumb and stupid, and 1/2 of me knew that that wasn't true. But. The other half of Maine. Had convinced myself that I was a ***** ** **** basically. And it got to a point where I was kind of paralyzed. I I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't work on anything because every time I'd work on anything. I would just stop myself. I wouldn't be able to do it and. So I decided I was like, I just need to take a break. So I decided I would take a break on YouTube. Now, taking a break on YouTube is terrifying because the way that YouTube works is that it's like a marathon. You need to be consistent. Or else you will be forgotten. You know what I'm saying? You can't. Overdo it, right? You can't do too much, you can't upload too many videos, or else you're annoying. But you also can't. Neglect uploading because if you do then you'll be forgotten. It's the same thing as a marathon. If you run too fast, you'll burn yourself out. If you run too slow. You'll finish last. You have to find the happy medium you know. But that's why taking a break on YouTube is scary, because it feels like if you take a break, you'll be forgotten. And sometimes that's true. But it got to a point where I was like, I have to take a break, I have to stop filming, I have to take the pressure off of myself. I have to let myself relax and let myself lay in bed with no guilt. For at least a week. Or else. This is just going to turn into something 50 times worse. And what it's going to turn into, I don't know, but I need to. I need to. I need to reflect. Right now I need to reflect. OK, so if I were to host a live radio show and I could play any music I wanted. I would honestly probably have the time of my Life OK, but I'll admit I would probably end up playing. Just sad music. I don't know what it is about me, but I love sad music, OK? And so I'd probably end up playing. A lot of sad music. Specifically for the people who are listening in the car by themselves. That want to shed a tear in a good way? Well now there is a place that I or you or anyone can host a live show. 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Pretty much everything from clothing, shoes and handbags to home decor and appliances. It's happening at Macy's. You want to know what I'm going to get? I'm going to get scarves because I really want to have a scarf. I live in California. It's only cold for like 3 months here, and it's not even that cold. Like it never snows, but I need to be leaning into the winter. Entire this year, because last year I wasn't going hard enough. So I will be picking up a few things from Macy's if you need to get some stuff for, that's You'll find what you need. I can guarantee you that. The first thing that I realized was that. The only time that relaxing and recharging truly works. Is when you don't feel guilty about it. Is when you accept it and you enjoy it. And you lean into it and you don't beat yourself up for it. I was so angry at myself constantly because I felt like I was laying in bed. Way too much. And not getting **** done as quickly as I wanted to. But what I realized was is the reason why I wasn't getting as much done as I wanted to. And the reason why I was laying in bed so much was because every time I was in bed, every time I was relaxing and trying to recharge. I was using that time to beat myself up and scream at myself internally for not doing enough. So instead of my bedtime and my relaxation time being relaxation time. I was just making myself more tired because. I was not letting myself truly recharge, and that was the first thing I realized upon spending a week in bed. And that was huge for me. I was like, oh OK, so in order for. You to recharge properly. You know you can't be mad at yourself for doing so. You have to. Let yourself do it, and the truth of the matter is if you lay down or you relax for a period of time and you let yourself relax. Fully 100% without any guilt or any shame. You recharge way quicker than you can even imagine. And you start getting excited about doing things again. Whereas if you lay in bed for hours, just being. Shameful about the fact that you're doing so. That doesn't inspire you to get up and go do ****. That just makes you feel more like ****. And then you feel you're like guilt tripping yourself into doing things and being productive, and that's not genuine. So that whole realization was huge, and that was the first thing that came to me. But then the next realization I had. Had to do with. My feeling of self hatred. I was like, OK, where is this coming from, right? Where is this coming from? Because it's been in the back of my head and it's been subconscious for multiple months, but where did this start, you know? Let's get to the root of this. I hadn't had a chance to. Try to figure it out. Because. I hadn't let myself lay in bed and just think for as long as I wanted. For months, you know. And I realized that. The reason why I hate myself. Is because. I don't have a passion. And. I had been trying to find a passion over the past few months. I I started getting into reading. I started playing drums. I bought a sewing machine. And I tried to, you know. Do all of those things and become passionate about it. And the truth is, I enjoy doing all of those things. I enjoy playing drums. I love it. I enjoy reading books. I love it. They love those things, but I wouldn't say that I'm necessarily super passionate about them because I would say that a passion is something that. Makes you want to get up in the morning. Like gets you up in the morning, you know, gives you a feeling of purpose. I didn't get that from playing drums, and I didn't get that from reading books, and I didn't get that from. You know. Having a sewing machine collecting dust in my other room because I'm too lazy to use it like. Those things are fun. Little hobbies to add to my life. When I feel like it, but they didn't give me a purpose. And then I had this kind of epiphany. And it kind of came to me almost like. In images in my mind, so I'll try to paint the picture to you that my brain painted to me. Think of. Your body. Imagine your body. And imagine that it has energy inside of it. Like a ball of energy inside of it. And that ball of energy never goes away. It either latches on to outside things. Or it remains inside of you. When you have a passion for something. The energy inside of you, that ball of energy. Leaves your body and it attaches to your passion. So let's say your passion is something creative like art or. Writing or. Crocheting or sewing or something like that, it attaches to that. The energy inside of you attaches to that. And dead. Seeps through the cracks of that passion and becomes part of you almost. But let's say. You don't have a passion for something. You don't have. Anything to put your energy towards. Your energy just stays pent up inside. And sometimes that might be OK, and sometimes that might be a great thing. But if your energy stays inside of you for too long. And it doesn't have anything to attach to. It doesn't have anything to dissect, to obsess over, to be excited about. Your energy inside of you starts to attack yourself. And you start fixating on yourself. And I think for a certain amount of time that can be a good thing. Because. That can cause. You to self reflect and to grow, which is great. But. After you self reflecting grow. Your energy is still inside of you, and it's still rumbling around. And because you've already done the self reflection that you need to do now your energy inside you has nothing to do, right? So it starts attacking inward. And it starts. Seeping into the crevices that it shouldn't be seeping into. And it starts creating self doubt. And it starts causing you to overanalyze yourself. And become fixated on yourself. To a point that's unhealthy. And that's exactly what happened to me in the beginning of COVID I. Had a lot of time to reflect and I had not reflected. In years before COVID hit. And so. Having this time to reflect was so powerful and you know. I didn't really have anything else. To do and it was great and I had so many realizations and I grew so much, right. But you can only do so much self reflection before you know you've reached your peak. You're like, I actually feel good about where I'm at, you know? I feel good about where I'm at, I feel happy and I feel like. I've reflected properly on the things I need to reflect on and I'm in a good spot and that's great and I got to that point. And I sat comfortably there for a few months. But where things started to go downhill was that. I didn't have anything to do and I also didn't have any distractions, so my energy inside of myself was like pent up. And it didn't have anywhere to go like I because, you know, I have an editor for my YouTube videos. All I have to do is just film the videos. You know, when it comes to recording podcasts, that's so easy. It's like talking on the phone. It feels like, you know, nothing. It feels like nothing. You know, it's like. It's just like relaxing, almost. As long as I have something I want to talk about, but anyway. And I didn't have any hobbies really. And I didn't have a lot of distractions because we were kind of in the midst of COVID. So it was like, OK, I don't have events that I'm going to, I don't have a lot of. Work that I have to do. You know, I don't really have that many friends like. I don't really have that many people to talk to. I don't really have anything to do and so I had all this pent up energy and what. Started happening was it started attacking me and I started to overanalyze myself and I started to nitpick at myself because I didn't have anything better to do. My energy was attacking myself. But it happened kind of slowly in overtime, so I didn't really realize that it was happening. Until. Recently when it got so bad that. I had to put my hands up and say, OK, I'm gonna stop doing YouTube for a little bit, I'm gonna take a break and I'm just going to lay in bed for a week and figure this **** out. And that was the realization that I had. And so I was in bed right reflecting. After having this realization. And I was like the main problem here is that I don't have a passion. I don't. Have a driving force for getting up in the morning. And I started thinking about it more and I was like, OK, well, where could this possibly lie? You know, like, where could this passion lie? Is it in something that's creative? Is it? In a topic of some sort, like some sort of. You know, deeper topic that I want to explore like. Where could my passion lie? And does it already exist? But I'm just not leaning into it as much as I should. And I really thought about it and I was like. You know. I think my passion. Is editing YouTube videos. I think that that's what my passion is. And I think that that's why. I felt like **** about myself is because. That part of my life has been removed. I've handed that off to someone else. And that was my. Only creative outlet, pretty much. And I needed to hand it off. At the time, it made sense to hand it off. At the time, I was burnt out beyond belief. But. Now you know. I have more free time. And I have a different idea about how editing would look for me if I were to reintegrate it back into my life now. And. I realized that that could be it. And so I decided to start editing a video. I had a video that I had filmed that never got edited. And I was like, OK, I'm. I'm going to try to edit this. And just see what happens. And so. I spent a whole day in bed. Editing this video. And in my head I was like, this is never going to reach the Internet. I'm just kind of testing the waters to see how I feel about editing and to see if this is kind of the missing piece. And so I spent 12 hours in bed editing. I edited from. Approximately 7:00 AM. To 7:00 PM. I only got out of bed to eat and take a **** like that, was it? And. I remember looking at the clock and it was 7:30. And the whole day flew by and I didn't even notice. That 12 hours had went by. I didn't go on my phone all day. I wasn't hyper fixated on myself. I wasn't thinking about myself. I wasn't. Angry at myself. And for the first time. In. Probably a year. I felt accomplished. I felt really accomplished. Finishing this video made me feel accomplished. And I remember I went into the bathroom and I looked into the mirror. To wash my face before I was going to go to bed. And I felt like I saw myself in a new light. I was like. I don't hate myself right now. For the first time. In months. I don't hate myself right now. Because I feel proud of myself, because I created something that was from the heart, I. Edited this video all day and put my all into it. And I enjoyed the process and I was proud of how it turned out. And it. Made me feel good about myself. And. That's when I realized, OK, this has been the problem all along. Like. I've removed the challenge from my life when I handed off my editing to an editor. And. That made sense for a period of time. But. I. Can't feel. Accomplished in my life and less I'm being challenged. And filming videos for me is not challenging. It's it's fun, it's not challenging, it's easy and. Recording podcasts is not very challenging. It can be, but it's more just enjoyable. The challenge? Is editing things. And I don't edit my podcast, because I don't. Need to like that's just different because it's not. The editing is more minute, it's not really creative. The editing with YouTube is more creative because you're it's about how you tell the story, right? And. I removed the. Challenge from my life when I removed the editing. And. I think that at a certain point. That came back to bite me. I'm taking it back into my own hands and I'm letting it be my challenge. Because. Being challenged in life. Gives you purpose. My dad always says this. Human beings are problem solvers, and if we don't have a problem to solve, then we'll create problems. And I think that that makes so much sense with. My recent realization because. Everything that I was doing felt kind of easy. And because of that. I felt like I was a lazy ***** ** **** you know what I mean? And every time I would relax, I didn't feel like I deserved it because I wasn't doing anything that was difficult or challenging. And I didn't have any problem solving I had to do. You know, like when you're editing a YouTube video, there's a lot of problem solving that goes on. You know, like you're trying to decide. Whether or not. Something that you said is worth making the cut. You're, you know, timing everything out to make it flow properly. Like there's all these little details and there's so much problem solving and I just didn't have that. Challenge. 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The show follows Sophia, a breakthrough photographer who shot her first spread for nylon at just 13 and has been shooting major campaigns ever since. Fernando Modeling's next international star, Tawfiq, the youngest fashion designer to show at New York Fashion Week, Claude, a New York native and aspiring actress. Ben arising, entertainer from Texas and a newbie to New York City, and Ebon, a trans rights activist and fixture of New York underground nightlife. This is now or never. With big goals and even bigger ceilings to break through, they'll need to bust their ***** to chase their dreams. It's time to hustle free forms the come up new episodes Wednesdays on Hulu. I'm so excited to be editing my own videos again and. Allowing myself to be creative there because. What I think I forgot? Was that? Editing. YouTube videos is truly. My passion in life, editing in general, editing anything. I love editing things. For me, editing has the perfect balance. Of challenge. But also. Natural instinct like. I taught myself everything when it comes to editing. And. So it's almost like. You know it. It came to me naturally in a way where. Nothing else has and so because of that you know. I need it in my life. I need to be editing to be excited about life because that's my passion right now. And so I'm just so stoked to be editing again. It feels so good. I feel so inspired to film different types of videos now because it's so weird. How? It all came together, and what's so funny about it too is that the last thing that I would have thought was that editing my own videos would be. The cure to my problem because when I handed off the job a few years ago to. In editor. That at the time solved a lot of my problems because I was a mess trying to get a video up every week and I. Couldn't do it. But. Now I'm at a place in my life where things have really settled down, you know, like I I have a lot more time on my hands than I did back in the day because. I don't. Hang out with people as much. I used to spend a lot more time with people and now I I spend more time alone and. Now I can use that time to be creative with editing and with even filming things in hopefully a more creative way, and that's also exciting to me. And so I'm just so excited and I. Posted my first video yesterday and I was extremely nervous because. You know, the editing was back in my control and I edited it the way that I wanted to edit it. You know, like I. Had full control over everything and so it naturally turned out very different than how my videos have been. And I was nervous. I was like, OK, this video is weird. Like, this video is a little weird. Like, I don't know what people are gonna think of it and you know? It went over great. You know people. The response was. More positive than I could ever even have dreamed, and I know that the. You know, the difference between editing is like not that big of a deal to to somebody who's maybe watching it, it's a lot less noticeable. But for me it was scary because. You know, I've been editing in in the same kind of style for pretty much my whole YouTube life. It's evolved a little bit, but it's been very similar, you know, very fast-paced, very upbeat. And. This latest video is not that way because that's just not the way that I want to edit anymore. And I was nervous that people were going to be like, well, this is not what we signed up for. So we're out like, **** you, *****. But that didn't happen and. I'm just feeling very excited. And that was the missing piece for me. And it feels like I'm coming back full circle. To editing again and so it's just very exciting. But enough talking about me, I kind of want to connect this to. A piece of advice that comes from all of this and. It's that. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can. Go back up. And when you're in the midst of being at rock bottom. It can feel like nothing good could ever come of it, and you might even be angry at yourself for getting there. But. Throughout my life, every time I've ever hit rock bottom. It's always been. Right before a breakthrough. Always. Like this time when I hit rock bottom. In a sense. And I was feeling like ****. Depressed, you know. Angry at myself, just. Creatively uninspired everything. I hit rock bottom. And hitting rock bottom forced me to find out that I want to start editing again. It forced me to refind my passion. And for that I am so extremely grateful. I had to get to a point where I was. So in pain and so uncomfortable that I had to make a change. For the change to happen. I could have kept floating by if I wouldn't have hit rock bottom. And I wouldn't have had the realization that, you know, I need to change up my YouTube content to be excited about it, and I need to. Bring challenge back into my life. I would have just kept floating by with this. Inkling of self hatred in the back of my head because it wasn't bad enough to cause me to want to change. Sometimes you have to get to a point. That is as bad as it can get before you can get motivated and even realize that a change needs to happen. So next time you're at rock Bottom. Be patient with yourself. And let yourself lay in bed for a week straight. And watch stupid TV. And don't be mad at yourself for just this once. For laying in bed. And you will realize ****. OK, you will realize ****. And it will all come together and it might not be in a way that you expect, because let me tell you, I did not expect that I was going to decide that I wanted to start editing again. This is the last thing I thought I was going to come up with. But yet here we are. I think rock bottom is actually a really beautiful place. Because you can only go up from there. And. I think that hitting rock bottom can create some of the most. Beautiful realizations. And they can inspire you. To do things that you wouldn't normally do. I think a lot of people hit rock bottom. And then find their passion. You hear a lot of stories like that, people, you know, who maybe had some sort of addiction or, you know, we're really depressed or really anxious. And they hit rock bottom with it. And the only way that they were able to get out of it was by throwing themselves into something, whether that be a sport. A creative hobby. A job even that they felt passionate about, just throwing themselves into something. It's a beautiful thing, you know? The second that you stop getting in your own way. And you're kind to yourself. And you're graceful with yourself. It's crazy to see how you blossom. And what you can find out. About yourself. When you. Treat yourself kindly. And gracefully. And you let yourself be human. Your life becomes so much better. And. You can figure out what things you need to do in your life. That can make it even better. No. But if you're. Constantly. Hating yourself because you don't have it figured out and you don't know what to do to make your life better and. You don't know how you're going to turn it around and you don't know how to get the motivation to get out of bed, and you're ****** at yourself. You just make the problem worse. I think that. Subconsciously, I was like tough love. I'm going to do tough love with myself and I'm just going to be angry at myself. And maybe that will. Get me to be as productive and creative as I want to be. No, it took me being gentle with myself to come to this realization. And now? Guess what I haven't like? I'm more productive than I've ever been. I've been working on things every day, all day long for the past 5 days. And it's felt easy and comfortable and fun and exciting and. It's been so natural and it's been because I want to do it. And. That's all I wanted. During my phase of being angry at myself for laying in bed all day. I wanted what I have now, but in order to get to where I am now. I had to be nice to myself and let myself relax and guess what? If down the line I'm like, I need to relax, I'm not going to allow myself to be mean to myself about it. As complicated and backwards as that sounds like, if I need a break, I'm going to take it and I'm not going to ******* feel bad about it. Because guess what? If I just. Lean into it. And let myself relax 100%. That's not pointless. That's not a waste of time. It's only a waste of time if you're being mean to yourself while you're doing it. Anyway guys. I'm really excited about. My future YouTube content and what's going to happen with that? And. I just feel really good and really excited and I'm excited to share, you know? What comes next with all of you and? I hope that something from this episode was useful or at least interesting. I really enjoyed talking to you guys today and. I love you all and I will see you next week. Goodbye.