Emma prefers to share her thoughts with a microphone rather than a physical human being, so thank god she has a podcast. Recorded from the comfort of her bed, Emma talks at length about whatever is on her mind every week. Anything really does go on this podcast. Sometimes philosophy, sometimes a random story from 10 years ago, sometimes advice, and sometimes nothing at all. You never know what you are going to get, but that’s what keeps it interesting. New episodes every Thursday.
Thu, 25 Aug 2022 07:01
well, my cats woke me up at 3am and i couldn't fall back asleep, so i am coming to you at 5:30am and the thing on my mind is relationships...i haven't talked about relationships in a long time and i wanted to bring them up again because they are fascinating to me. it's just so interesting when two people get together...like, why did those two people choose each other? i analyze this constantly. so today i want to talk about two relationship dilemmas that i think are not talked about enough: 1) finding balance when it comes to dealing with your own issues in a relationship, and 2) having independence in a relationship. i am going to share what i've learned about these two dilemmas and we will have a conversation about it. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Carvana is in the business of driving you happy, and with the widest selection of used cars under $20,000, you're bound to find a car that'll put a smile on your face. They even offer customizable financing so you can plan your down and monthly payments to shop thousands of affordable vehicles 100% online. Download the app or visit carvana.com. Availability may vary by market. It's 5:30 in the morning. But don't be mistaken. I am not having a 5:00 AM girl boss morning right now. Like that is not what's happening. Basically, recently my cats have been waking me up at 4:00 in the morning. This has been going on for probably two months. They wake me up every day at 4:00 AM by making really loud sounds. Like really really loud for example. The worst instance of this was a few weeks ago. I left a cup. On my night stand and then I left a bowl on the floor by my nightstand because I was eating cereal in bed because. There's no better place to eat cereal anyway. I wake up the next morning at 3:00 in the morning to my alarm system in my house going off. OK, like blaring alarm system. My house thought that it was getting broken into and I was like, what? And I was so discombobulated. I looked at the floor. And I just saw broken glass everywhere, and I was like, Oh my God, I'm. I'm. Somebody's trying to rob me right now. Like somebody's trying to break into my house or something. Whatever. I thought a window broke. Anyway, I looked closer and it was the cup from my night stand and the bowl that was on the floor. They were both broken. And then I knew that it was my cats trying to tell me, Emma, it's time for breakfast at three in the morning. So I turned off my alarm in my house and, you know, cleaned up and I fed them. And it was fine, but this is something that is reoccurring. OK, this is reoccurring. This happens every morning. Sometimes they go back to bed. Today was not one of those days. Now it's 5:30 in the morning and we're talking, we're hanging out. It's the sun. Hasn't even come out yet. Anyway, enough of that. I would honestly, I could have just lied and said that I'm having a girl boss morning and said I woke up at 5:00 AM. I went on e-mail. I spent an hour on e-mail. Then I meditated. Then I made a coffee. Then I pooped. I pooped. Then. I journaled again. Then I meditated again. Then I read my emails and responded again. Then. I no, no, I could have lied, could have done that, but that just isn't true anyway. Whatever. So what are we talking about today? Today, we're talking about relationships. I haven't talked about relationships in a long time, and it's one of my favorite topics because I think it's so interesting. I think romantic relationships in particular are very fascinating to me and I think the reason for that is. That when you think about it really analytically, is that a word? Analytically? I don't know, but if you really analyze. The concept of a romantic relationship, which is in theory. Two people who are in love with each other romantically, right? That is an interesting concept. It's interesting because why did those two people choose each other? What about each person in the relationship is attractive to the other? There's so many. Interesting. Elements of romantic relationships and I just. I analyze them constantly. When I'm in one myself, I'm analyzing my own. When I see other people who are in one, I'm analyzing theirs like I just find the whole concept. Kind of magical and fascinating. It can also be catastrophic. We've all been there. We've all been there. And if you haven't been there yet, you'll be there. It'll happen. It will. It will. Nobody gets through life without a ****** relationship. Almost nobody. Unless you're just not into into relationships, which some people aren't. But if you are, you'll have a ****** one. Love you, you'll have it. Just wait. But we're not talking about. ****** relationships today. I've talked about that enough on this podcast. Go back in the catalog, it's in there. But today we're going to be talking about two relationship dilemmas that I think are maybe not discussed. Enough and these are things that. I've experienced that. I've kind of worked through and I feel like I've figured out these relationship dilemmas, at least on a personal level, and I'm going to share what I've learned about these two dilemmas and maybe give some advice that you can decide to take or not. And we're just going to have a conversation. So the two relationship dilemmas are as follows #1. Finding a balance when it comes to dealing with your own personal issues in a relationship. Very, very. Difficult and confusing, but important. And then the second dilemma that we're gonna talk about is having independence in a relationship, why it's important, how to find it, and what the perfect balance is. So let's just get started. We're starting out with dealing with personal issues in a relationship. I think the main difficulty when it comes to battling your own demons when you're in a relationship is it's always really hard to know what to share with your partner. What is better. Just dealt with on your own. How to manage your emotions when you're dealing with a tough time and you're in a relationship? So that the relationship doesn't suffer from your personal issues. There's so many difficulties there, but at the same time it's inevitable because. Life is like a box of chocolates, you know what I mean? And so sometimes **** just sucks and then you're in a relationship. At the same time, and you don't want your relationship to suffer because of your personal issues, and I do think that there's a way to suffer like a human being. Not sugarcoat the way that you're feeling or lie about the way that you're feeling, but still not demolish the relationship. I think there's a way. Anyway, obviously honesty is one of the most important. Parts of a relationship. That's the foundation of a good relationship. If you don't trust one another, if you aren't honest with one another. 100%. Most of the time it's not gonna work. I mean, I'm gonna say 95% because I think there is a 5% of your life that you'll never share with anyone. Your most private thoughts, things like that, those might not come out in any relationship with anyone ever. Those might just stay with you forever. But I think that. 95% of your relationship should be. Open, honest, everything's out on the table. And the reason for that is, is that that's what creates trust. It creates a bond, it creates vulnerability and. It's just crucial. But. When in the midst of dealing with a personal issue. Might be mental health issues, might be something family related, might be something existential. You're having a little existential crisis. We all have them. Sometimes being too honest and. Discussing that dilemma. In the heat of the moment with your partner might not be the right idea. Because sometimes you have to work through something on your own. I think the perfect balance. 95% of the time is to share just enough information for your partner to have context as to why you might be behaving differently. But not so much that. They're checking in about it too frequently. They're asking you questions. How's it going? How's it going? You know, but not. Sharing too much information to the point where you feel like you can't handle it on your own anymore, like they're too involved now. I think that's the perfect balance because I think when personal issues really become a problem in relationships. Is in two scenarios. Number one, it's when you don't tell your partner at all, but meanwhile you're having a personal issue, so you're behaving differently. You're not in a great mood, you're bummed out, you're maybe a little bit more angry or aggressive than you normally are. Just. Because, well, if you don't tell your partner, hey, I'm dealing with this personal issue, then they're taking that **** personal and. That's when a wedge starts getting formed in the relationship because your partner is like, I am feeling a little bit rejected. I'm feeling a little bit rejected because I feel like my partner doesn't love me right now when in reality. That's not true. It's just that. There's a personal issue happening, but resentment will form. On the side of the person who is not having a personal issue, if they don't have context as to why your behavior might shift. And when you're in an intimate relationship, you're so close and you're around each other so frequently and you just you talk so often that slight changes in your personality are going to be obvious to your partner more than you even realize they they might not even realize. How observant that they're being of you. But it's natural in a relationship to constantly be analyzing and observing your partner and sort of taking the temperature of how things are going on a constant basis so if something shifts. It's not. It's not going to just fly under the radar, so. You do need to have a certain level of honesty in communication with your partner about, OK, I'm going through something and sometimes just saying, listen, I can't talk about it right now. I'm not ready to talk about it right now, but I'm going through something sometimes. That's all that needs to be said. It leaves you the space to work through it on your own, but it still gives your partner some context and you can even go as far as to say I'm going through something. If I act differently from behaving differently, if I'm being weird, just know that it's not personal. If anything comes up that is in regards to you, you're bugging me. Our relationship is not working and that's why I'm acting weird. I will mention it, but right now it has nothing to do with you. The shift in my behavior is personal. It's it's it's something I'm going through and I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but I just want you to know, and that is so incredibly helpful. I don't think you understand how. Much of a game changer that little conversation can be. In my own personal experience. I've had moments where I've felt like, oh God, like I feel like something's up. In my relationship, throughout my relationships, throughout my life, I've had moments where I've been like, something's off, something's off. I feel something off from the person I'm with. And then some time goes by and maybe I start to build a little bit of resentment and I'm like, what the **** is wrong with them? Like, do they just not like me anymore? Like, why are we even together then? Like, break up with me? Like, what the ****? Like, if you don't like me, then just end it, you know what I mean? And then I get to a point where I'm like, I need to bring it up. I need to bring it. And then I'm like, hey. Why do you hate me? And then they're like, I don't hate you. And then I'm like, well then why are you acting like weird towards me? And then I get an explanation and it's like, Emma, the world doesn't revolve around, you know? I'm just kidding. Nobody's actually ever said that to me yet. Probably will at some point in my life, but actually, maybe not. I don't know, OK. But you know, and then they always say. No, that wasn't you. You know, this isn't about you. I'm. I'm having a personal issue. Like I didn't bring it up, you know? It's happened so many times. Throughout my life, now that I'm older, I just bring it up. If I feel like the vibe is off, even for a second, I'm like, what's going on? Is it me? Is there something else going on? Let's get it out in the open because I feel something like, let's just work it out. You don't need to tell me, but just. What's going on? When I was younger, it used to take me more time and I would build this resentment towards whoever I was dating, and I would like start to get angry at them because I was like, what's the issue? And then finally when I was at a boiling point, then I would bring it up. It's so unnecessary. Now that I'm an adult, I feel something off for literally 20 minutes. I'm like, what's going on? And then I just get it over with move on. So that's the first thing that usually goes wrong when you're having a personal issue in a relationship is that. The communication isn't there and so somebody gets their feelings hurt, right? The second thing that can go wrong is. Actually, the complete polar opposite. When you first start creating content online, it can be very intimidating because. There's a lot to learn. I definitely experienced that when I first started. It takes a lot of work to build a brand online, but the good news is, for anyone looking to start, you can have all the helpful tools that you need all in one place. With Squarespace. You can build an amazing and unique website, sell your products, share content, build a big audience, and so much more. Say you're starting some sort of food or drink brand. Kind of like I did with Chamberlain, coffee square spaces features can help in so many ways. They have custom templates where you can filter the category of your business, in this case food and beverage, and find layouts for your website that really work within this industry. From there, you can use their blogging tools to share recipes, photos, and other posts related to your product, which is so important. These posts can be the difference maker in someone choosing your brand over another and to help you sell your products, Squarespace offers. A suite of ecommerce tools with templates, inventory management, secure payments, and more merchandising features to make your products that much more appealing. So head to squarespace.com/emma for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Emma to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Clothes are one of the many ways that we express ourselves and we're constantly switching up our wardrobes. To reflect our interests and styles. But one thing that is a little bit more difficult to switch up is our glasses. Until now, because now with pair eyewear. You can have a different frame every day, OK? With pair eyewear, you start with a chic pair of glasses, right? That look great just by themselves, but they have a special secret. Which is that they have at little. Magnet inside so you can snap on. A cool frame on top of your existing glasses. I got the crystal clear Reese base frame which is just a really chic pair of all clear glasses. The frame is clear obviously the lenses are clear and I got a tortoise frame and a Plaid frame so I can now it. Basically I have 3 pairs of reading glasses now. There are so many options, iconic base shapes and then all sort of frames to go on top retro classic neon sparkle. You'll definitely find your vibe I also love. Buying from a brand that really, really cares and pair provides glasses to a child in need for every pair that you buy. Get glasses as ever, changing as you are with pear. Go to pair eyewear com Emma for 15% off your first purchase. That's 15% off. At PAIR eyewear.com/emma, you tell your partner too much about what you're going through. In the heat of the moment when emotions are running high. And then you lose a sense of. Being able to work through said issue on your own. Sometimes a partner's perspective is not what we need. Sometimes it's very helpful. Don't get me wrong, there are times when it is the best option to go to your partner. Tell them everything. Cry on their shoulder, let it all out and. Get their help right sometimes that's what you need, but not all the time. And honestly, I would argue most of the time. It's better to work through the issue on your own and tell your partner, listen, I'm going through something. I just need you to support me and love me a little extra. But I also need the space to figure it out. There's so much value in figuring out. Things on your own. I think #1 when you figure out a solution to a problem in your life on your own, the solution it's so much more genuine and honest when you discover it on your own. You're able to truly solve the issue in a way that works for you because everybody has their own life experience, their own perspective, and so. If you are. Getting advice or too much help from your partner or from anyone for that matter. It might change the way that you solve your problem. And. The truth is is you're the only one that. Can truly solve your issues in life and. Getting a little bit of advice here and there from people who you trust is not a bad idea, but I think that. It can be problematic if you're dating somebody who's. Maybe a little bit more bold, personality wise, because they might start checking in like, hey, have you solved that problem yet? Hey, how's this going? Hey, did you do what I told you? You know, did did you do, did you take the advice that I gave you? And sometimes that can stress you out when you're already dealing with a personal issue. If you're kind of fending for yourself, I think you find. A more long term in a more. Uniquely you solution. I don't know. Having to be held accountable for solving your own personal issue because your partner is asking you about it frequently and checking in can sometimes be frustrating. I think it depends on the type of dynamic you have with your partner. Some people are very. Emotionally mature in the sense that they can. Sense when it's appropriate to ask about how you're doing, and they're they know when it's appropriate to check in. But some people just don't. And that's not anyone's fault, but it's just the truth. And so I think knowing your partner. Knowing how they react to you, dealing with personal issues. Learning as you go is the best way to do it, but at the same time, I think a baseline rule is you're always going to be better off solving an issue on your own, and you can ask for love and support. You can share a comfortable amount of information with your partner, you can receive a little bit of advice from them, but you don't want it to go too deep. I also like to think of relationships as a place to escape in a way from. My personal issues, when I'm going through something on a personal level, maybe I'm having sort of an existential crisis. I'm like, what's the point of life? What's the point of anything? Like, I don't know, and I'm struggling with that. Or maybe I'm just feeling really anxious, you know, recently, or maybe I'm feeling really depressed. I've been having an up and down with that. Obviously it's kind of impossible for a partner not to notice that stuff, but sometimes. Keeping majority of it to yourself and using your relationship as sort of a relief and a distraction. A healthy distraction as long as you're not overdoing it, but using it as sort of. A place where you can talk about other things, you know, like, ohh, when I'm with my partner, I can talk about lighter things. And that's kind of a relief from the heavy thoughts that, you know, you're having when you're on your own. I love that. Like, I love doing that. Sometimes I don't share, like if I'm having a tough time, I'm really anxious or I'm feeling really depressed. Whatever. Any of the things I just mentioned, I purposely don't bring it up because I would rather utilize my relationship as a place where I can kind of take a break from those thoughts. That doesn't always make sense, that doesn't always work, but it's definitely an option. I think that's a good option when whatever you're struggling with is not impacting your mood to a point where. You're being you're acting differently. Like when I I have moments of anxiety or moments of existential crisis or moments of a depressive episode kind of thing where I can still function. Relatively normally around others. When I'm alone it's different. In inside I feel different, but I'm able to sort of cover it up a little bit in social situations to a point where I am not showing it. Something interesting that I've noticed is if I'm going through a tough time. I'm dealing with a personal issue, but it's not severe enough that it's affecting my mood outwardly and I go and I spend time with my partner and don't bring it up and just try to act normally. Sometimes it actually helps too. So there's another potential pro of. Keeping certain personal issues to yourself in a relationship, it's all very situational, you know, I think as you can probably tell by the way that I'm discussing this, I feel like it's very situational, at least from my experience, and I don't know, I don't know. I think I think it's going to be very dependent on you and the specific relationship dynamic that you have. Another thing that I haven't really mentioned is I kind of mentioned it, but not in depth enough. Is sharing all of our trials and tribulations with our partner. Can cause us to feel too dependent on them. In regards to solving our issues. Which can create this sort of anxiety within us. Because we start to feel like we couldn't solve. Our own issues without them and you never want to feel like you need your partner. I've been in relationships in my life where I felt like I needed. My partner and it never ended well. The breakup was bad. The relationship was bad. It's bad. You know what I mean? It's all bad. And. It's confusing because on one hand, your partner in theory should be your closest one of your closest confidants you know, like one of your closest. People in your life. And so it's kind of confusing because. On one hand, you're supposed to feel so deeply in a relationship, but then on the other hand, you're supposed to. Not depend on them. It's a difficult balance to find. It's very, very difficult. It's not easy, but I think one of the ways that you can avoid feeling too dependent on them is leaving the problem solving to you. You know, when you have a personal issue, make sure that the way that you're handling finding the solution. Leaves you in the driver seat like you're in the driver seat. You are the one at the end of the day who's solving your own problems. Don't involve your partner to a point where it starts to feel like they're solving your problems for you. You know you do not want to feel dependent. You want to associate problem solving with yourself and not your partner, because at the end of the day. Who do we have? We have ourselves. We need to be confident. In our own problem solving abilities before we can. Let our partner in to help. Associating problem solving with anyone in your life. Has the potential of being harmful because you don't want to be too dependent on anyone you know. You want to feel in control in that area you know you want to feel like. You're self-sufficient in that way because. A huge issue, specifically in romantic relationships. Comes when you feel like you can't function without your partner, because then. You're living in fear. You end up living in fear of what happens when the relationship ends, and that's not good for the relationship, not good for you, and it usually ends up catastrophic. You you always have to look at a relationship like. This enhances my life. I don't want this to go anywhere. I love this, you know? This is. It's a challenge. Sometimes it's not always easy, sometimes it's uncomfortable, sometimes it forces me to grow, blah blah blah. But. I don't need it either. I love it. I'm happy I'm here. I don't want it to go anywhere. But if it if it did end, I could handle myself. You know, that's the best place to be in. Anyway, last thing I'm going to discuss regarding personal issues in relationships. Is. We have to consider the effect of sharing all of our issues with our partner, like we have to consider our partner as well. They're already dealing with their own **** too, so I think too heavily bringing in your issues can actually be. Emotionally difficult for you know your partner as well. So I think being careful about how much we put on our partners is important as well, because they're dealing with their own ****. Obviously, you know you can't live in the mindset of. I don't wanna be a burden to my partner. I'm not going to tell them that I'm going through something because I, you know, I don't want to be annoying and I don't want to, you know, put too much on them. No, it's it's not that. It's not like don't live like that. I think it's more. Sharing your dilemma with them, right, letting them know what's going on so that. They don't take your shift in behavior personally, but also knowing when you are struggling so much that it's better if you're alone and that you don't push that energy onto your partner. Maybe you need a little bit of space if you guys live together. Maybe it's like saying, listen, I need some space because I'm dealing with this thing and I just need some space. It's about knowing when to share, you know, when to let your partner know what's going on and when to separate yourself and and give yourself. Space to work through it on your own so that it doesn't become this painful burden. For your partner as well, to a point that's kind of unbearable and also maybe even unnecessary. You know, I think considering their mental well-being as well as important. Knowing when you're in such a bad place that you're going to be an ******* to them, knowing when sharing too much might. Leave you guys in a weird spot. You get it. Anyway, next we're talking about. Something we kind of talked about already. Just now, but whatever. The importance of having independence in a relationship, why it's important and why? It's honestly the biggest superpower you can have in a relationship. What does it really take to make in New York City when you're young? The come up is a new freeform docu reality series on Hulu. It follows 6 ambitious creative 20 somethings in NYC as they break the status quo and take up all the space. It's a real look into how this next generation of icons are breathing life back into the downtown scene, all while pursuing their dreams, which is a long way of saying they're killing it. The show follows Sophia, a breakthrough photographer who shot her first spread for nylon at just 13 and has been shooting major campaigns ever since. Fernando Modeling's next international star, Tawfiq, the youngest fashion designer to show at New York Fashion Week, Claude, a New York native and aspiring actress. Ben arising, entertainer from Texas and a newbie to New York City, and Ebon, a trans rights activist and fixture of New York underground nightlife. This is now or never. With big goals and even bigger ceilings to break through, they'll need to bust their ***** to chase their dreams. It's time to hustle free forms the come up new episodes Wednesdays on Hulu. We're talking about Macy's again. My favorite one stop shop is such a beloved friend to anything goes. Macy's is the best because it really has something for everyone in every occasion. Whether it's clothes, HomeGoods, cooking Ware, whatever it may be, Macy's has something for you in the spirit of everybody having their own individual Macy's shopping experience. They're making us feel like true VIPs for the next couple of weeks because Macy's VIP sale has arrived just in time to get everything you need to cozy up this fall. From September 23rd to October 3rd, get 30% off regular sale and clearance items plus. 15% off beauty. And again, outside of beauty, that's 30% off. Pretty much everything from clothing, shoes and handbags to home decor and appliances. It's happening at Macy's. You want to know what I'm going to get? I'm going to get scarves because I really want to have a scarf. I live in California. It's only cold for like 3 months here, and it's not even that cold. Like it never snows, but I need to be leaning into the winter. Entire this year, because last year I wasn't going hard enough. So I will be picking up a few things from Macy's if you need to get some stuff for fallcheckoutmacys.com, that's macys.com. You'll find what you need. I can guarantee you that. I think that. The only relationships that last a long time are the relationships where both parties have a healthy amount of independence. It's the only way that a relationship can last. I I really believe that. I might be wrong. I'm 21 years old. Do I know I'm talking about **** no. Maybe. Maybe, maybe not. Do we trust me? I don't know. But I really, really think that. Sorry, I'm like, drinking my matcha. Matcha latte. As I said earlier, you never want to feel like you need your partner. I'll use myself as an example. Actually, in the past in relationships, I've really struggled with independence because I'm somebody who went in a relationship. Adores whoever I'm with. For better or for worse, adores them with like every. Bone in my body. Like I really go in with everything. I think that's why I get my feelings hurt a lot, but I really put it all in. I put it all in, I put all my love and time and effort into building a relationship. And the reason for that is is that or was because I don't really do that anymore. I think there's I have a healthier approach now, but. I used to put like 120% into relationships that I was in because I felt like that was how I was going to create a long lasting relationship. The issue was through loving whoever I was dating so much and through putting 200% in I would end up feeling. Very dependent on whoever I was dating because. I would feel like, well, I'm investing so much of my time and energy into this relationship I need. I like, I can't let this can't go away like now. I need them because I literally have put so much of myself into this that if I lose this relationship, I'm going to lose a part of myself because I put so much of myself into the relationship. I would also share so much about my daily trials and tribulations. That again, I associated the partners I was with with problem solving. Also, when I was younger and had more time on my hands, I used to spend like insane amounts of time with people that I was dating. I it was like every moment that I could be with them, I would. And anytime I would go and do anything, you know, I would go with them. And it was a lot, you know, it was a lot of time spent together and when you spend, you know, insane. Amounts of time together, you end up forgetting what your life was like when you did things by yourself. When you're in a relationship and you're in love, it can be very difficult to have a little bit of distance. Not only emotionally, but also literally physically. Like you need to have a little bit of distance emotionally in the sense of problem solving on your own, working through things on your own, still having private thoughts. Things like that. You physically need distance as well because you need to travel without them, do activities without them, have hobbies outside of them, and maybe even have friends outside of them? You need to have distance in a relationship. That distance makes you feel independent because you still have a sense of life outside of your relationship. You still feel in a way like your single life is still intact, like when you were single. When you did activities on your own and had your friends and things like that, you need to keep that intact. I think a lot of people, including myself, I've done this, lose their sense of independence and their sense of. Almost like they're single energy when they get into a relationship. When you get into a relationship, the only thing that should change is that you're just, not. You're not on the market when it comes to dating. Nothing else should really change. You know, you should still go hang out with your friends without your partner. You should still go do activities without your partner. It's not easy. It's not. It's so annoying because if you're in a newer relationship and you're just having the best time with your partner, it's like impossible to not invite them to everything. And I understand that, but I think it is really important to have. Those moments without them, and to remind yourself, hey, I can actually have fun without them. You aren't just associating fun with your partner. You have to remember that your life would still be fun. It would still be meaningful, it would still be exciting if they weren't in your life. You still have amazing things that are going on. In your life outside of them. I remember in one relationship I was in a long time ago, OK, I had a very big issue with dependence. This actually only has ever happened to me in one relationship where I had a dependence issue or is very, very, very codependent with who I was with. I remember it was not good, it was not a mentally healthy situation because I was constantly just freaked out about the day that the relationship would end because I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do. We spend so much time together. We're together all the time. We I tell them everything they know everything they help me problem solve. They they literally help me solve every problem I have. Like, you know, all my friends are friends with them through them, like, you know, majority of them. Anyway, I have nothing without them. Every single good thing in my life is somehow associated with them. And I remember my dad said he's like the only way that this relationship is going to work is if you have a life outside of them. You have to have a life. Outside of them, or else you're just gonna drive yourself crazy. You're gonna live in fear constantly. And it was so hard for me. I I I couldn't do it in that relationship, quite frankly, because it was a very codependent relationship on all sides. And it was it was, yeah, it was not good. So it was not possible. Which is why that relationship is long gone. You know what I mean? It's gone because there was too much codependence. When you have a good life outside of your partner, you don't live in fear of losing them. And you get to really live in the moment in the relationship and enjoy it for what it is in that given moment. And there's so much freedom in that. You know, it takes a little bit of extra effort to maintain a life outside of them because it's a little bit unnatural. You know, you might have to make an effort and go out of your way to make that happen, but. It's so incredibly worth it. You can't let the relationship become the center of your life in. The irony of it all is, is that when you do make your relationship the center of your life, and you do put like too much of yourself into it, you end up pushing them away anyway because the fear of losing them becomes so strong that you end up projecting that fear into the relationship, and the relationship feels tense and unnatural. So then it ends up ending anyway. You end up breaking up anyway. Or you get into a cycle where you're so paranoid that you and your partner, depending on if you're both codependent on one another, end up, you know, being like paranoid about what the other is doing, and then it becomes. Too clingy and too controlling, and it's just not good anyway. Relationships are constantly evolving. And if you find yourself in a place where you feel like you might have mishandled. Something in your relationship maybe you feel like you might have put yourself. Too far deep into it and you don't have a life outside of them anymore. Or maybe you shared too much about a personal issue with your partner and now you feel like they're trying to solve the problem for you. Or now you feel dependent on them in the sense of solving the problem. You feel like you can't solve it without them. Don't feel discouraged, and also don't feel like the relationship is over. That's not what I'm saying here. I'm not saying that this stuff is immediately going to kill a relationship. The truth is, no relationship is perfect. There's always going to be issues that. Up for every relationship, it's going to be different. There's a lot of variables, and so everybody's individual experience is going to be different. And I think the most valuable thing about a romantic relationship is the amount of learning that happens, the amount of growth that happens. So much learning, so much growth can happen in a relationship if you let it happen. So being open to that and accepting a relationship failure in some way, you know, maybe the relationship. Ended because of something or maybe you know, there was a huge argument in in you're feeling like the relationship is failing, right? That is not a real failure because no matter if you stay in the relationship with the person forever or you guys break up, no matter what happens. These little failures that happen in relationships. Teach you so much about yourself and about how you want to behave moving forward in a relationship. All learning is valuable and. I really need to go to the bathroom. So that's all I got for today. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you guys for hanging out. Let me know if you enjoyed it or if you actually don't. Tell me if you hated it. Just block me. Just block me if you hated it. No, I'm kidding. Yeah. Thank you guys for listening and hanging out. It's always a pleasure. I love spending my morning with you. Follow anything goes on Twitter at AG podcast or on Instagram at anything goes. Follow. Anything goes on any platform that you stream. Podcast review, anything goes. If you like it, check out my coffee company. Chamberlain. Movie.com I was sipping on 2 drinks throughout this episode. I was sipping on a cappuccino that I made myself. Super weird new thing. I've been making myself cappuccinos. Pretty good. I used the actually. I used a medium roast from the artist collection Chamberlain coffee artist collection. Every month if you subscribe to the artist collection, you get a new bag of coffee with a little art print on the front. Very cute for on your countertop. And then I also was sipping on an iced mocha latte so we were doing a little bit of both. All Chamberlain coffee, obviously. Very delish. Of course, you can use code AG15 if you want to. Pick up some coffee, some matcha, some. Morning drink accessories like Mason jars, straws, whatever. What else? That's it. OK. Love you guys so much and I'll talk to you next week. Bye. Bye.