Emma prefers to share her thoughts with a microphone rather than a physical human being, so thank god she has a podcast. Recorded from the comfort of her bed, Emma talks at length about whatever is on her mind every week. Anything really does go on this podcast. Sometimes philosophy, sometimes a random story from 10 years ago, sometimes advice, and sometimes nothing at all. You never know what you are going to get, but that’s what keeps it interesting. New episodes every Thursday.
Mon, 25 Oct 2021 00:56
ok sorry this ep is late but we lost the first one i recorded and i havent felt heartbreak like that since a high school breakup… anyways a lot of people have been saying how sad it is that i’ve been spending a lot of time alone, but it’s what i need right now and honestly it’s changed my perspective on things allowed me to experience things i wouldn’t have otherwise. being alone isn’t a bad thing. also i think i found a hobby thats going to stick after getting obsessed with a youtube series. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices
No one is slowing down in this hiring race for the best talent, and offering the right benefits may help you reward and retain your team, helping them feel valued, motivated, and ready for the future. And that can make all the difference for your business principal offers retirement and group benefit plans, customized to help you meet your goals. Your company's future depends on its people. Show them they are valued and give them the tools they need to succeed. Talk to your financial professional today about the right benefits and retirement plans. In principle and visit us at principal.com business. This message was brought to you by Principal Financial Group. But it's important to our wonderful lawyers that we share our legal name, which is the principal life insurance company, Des Moines, IA. For important information about our products, visit principal.com/disclosures. This episode is brought to you by Carvana. They'll drive you happy. Carvana has purchased over a million cars from Happy customers by giving them an offer within minutes, and they can do the same for you. Carvana will give you a real offer for your car within minutes. Then they'll come to pick up your car and pay you on the spot. So to get a real offer on your vehicle in minutes, download the app or visit carvana.com. Yo you guys, let's just start out this episode. By discussing what happened to me a few days ago. A few days ago I recorded. A podcast episode for this week. And I sent it to my podcast editor and was like, alright, it's time to go Hammy on this thing. Like, really, just turn this thing out. Can't wait to hear it, you know. Anyway, uh, he responds to me and says. This file is empty, like there's nothing in this file and I was like, what? So I go back on to my computer and I click play. And I listen to it and there's no sound. At all. Like no sound was recorded it there. There's a 2 hour long file, but there's no audio at all. I proceed to breakdown and cry. Don't feel bad for me, that's not the point of this. OK, I'm not. I'm not begging for your sympathy. I'm just telling a story anyway. Ball my eyes out for like approximately 2 hours. I genuinely felt an equal amount of sadness that I felt in my first teenage heartbreak. Like my first teenage heartbreak, which was possibly some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I thought I would never recover. Like the pain I felt when this episode got deleted. Is. Reminiscent of my first teenage heartbreak. And that scares me. You know, like I thought I'd never have to feel that way again. So. Anyway, but we're here. It's a few days later. I am posting this podcast a few days late, which I apologize for if you're listening to this. You know, months down the line. Ignore all of this. This is completely irrelevant to you. But if you wait for the episodes to come out. Which I really appreciate if you do do that. Umm, I'm sorry that this one is late, but that's what happened. And it was ******* traumatizing. But we're here. I'm ready. And, you know, coming off that traumatizing experience. Of having a whole episode go down the drain. I just thought it'd be fun, honestly, if I just sat and kind of talked about. Miscellaneous things have been on my mind. And so that's what we're going to be doing today. But the main topic that I want to talk about. Is whether or not I'm lonely OK? Because I talk a lot about spending time alone. Why that's important. I've even talked about how spending too much time alone can be bad. I I talk a lot about spending time alone, and that's because that's something I'm very familiar with and also something that I've been. Playing around with a lot over the past year or so because. I never really spent too much time alone. Up until the past year or so, I always had people around. Up until I was 1617, I lived with my parents, so I was never really alone and then for the first few years. After I moved out, I constantly had friends around. You know, people were constantly sleeping over. I was constantly hanging out with people and I was never really alone and then, you know, over the past year. More and more I've started spending more time alone, and that has led to some great things and some terrible things. One of the great things being that I've had a lot of time to self reflect. I've had a lot of time to mature and grow and. Because of my reinvigorated sense of independence, I also have a reinvigorated sense of confidence. Because with independence comes confidence. If you feel good completely by yourself and you're not relying on anybody else, then. You feel confident? They go hand in hand. You feel like I don't need anybody. You know, if somebody starts treating me like **** I'm throwing them in the trash can because I don't need them, and I'm. Confident and happy by myself, so I don't need anybody. And also, you know, I feel free to be who I am in front of other people because if they reject me, I don't care, because I'm comfortable being by myself. So I don't need them and I can wait for the person. Who will appreciate me for exactly who I am. So that's, you know, some of the good stuff that comes with spending a lot of time alone. Obviously some of the bad things being that, you know, sometimes you can lose perspective because. You're wrapped up in your own head by yourself, with nobody to help bring you back to Earth. You know you can start to feel lonely. You can start to develop more anxiety than you might otherwise just because you have a lot of time to ruminate. You kind of. Have to discipline your own brain. To not think. Irrationally and negatively at times because again, you don't have anybody to help ground you and give you perspective. You also might focus too hard on yourself and start nitpicking at yourself. Because you have so much free time to do so. I've touched on these things many, many times, but I think it's an important refresher. You know, spending a lot of time alone. Has a lot of pros and cons. I would say. Generally it's a positive thing. As long as there's balance and you still are seeing people and you still have people that you speak to on almost a daily basis. But I think that generally spending time alone does a person good and, you know, recently. It's so interesting. I've gotten to a point where. And I don't know if this is just a phase or what, where not only do I really need time alone, but I also like. Don't want to see anyone like I I don't really want to see anyone like I don't have a desire to go out with friends really right now. And. I don't have a desire to maybe even travel with friends occasionally for sure, but like generally. I don't really. Feel this strong desire to hang out with people and obviously, you know, that doesn't mean I never hang out with anybody and that doesn't mean that I never want to, but I would say 80% of the time. I would rather do an activity by myself right now and. I've been doing that a lot, you know, I've been. Traveling quite a bit by myself, primarily for the past month or so. And I mean, you know, there's been moments when. People that I'm close with have popped into the trip, you know what I mean? Like my dad was with me for a period of my trip. For a few other little chunks of my trip, I was with friends. But I would say 80% of the trip I was by myself. And I like, wanted it that way. And I, I make videos on YouTube. I show, you know, things that I do in a day on YouTube. And I I've noticed that I've been getting a lot of comments of people seeming to be concerned about me because I spent so much time by myself and because I had venture and do things by myself. And there were a lot of people that were concerned about me and worried about me because of this. Behavior, you know of me just doing most things by myself and some people. Were pitying me a little bit, like, God, she's so lonely. It's depressing and like whatever. But I wanted to share an interesting you know? Perspective and concept. To those who. Don't understand yet how spending time alone can be so enjoyable. I want to be by myself when I'm by myself. You know, if I wanted to go and do things with other people, I would. You know. I genuinely want to be by myself. I like having experiences by myself. And right now, in this phase of my life, this is what I want the most. You know, I prefer. Alone time right now. And. I think that the reason for that is that. When I'm by myself, number one, I get to experience things. However I want to experience them. You know, I don't have anybody else's perspective about. What they think about what we're doing, you know, for example, let's say I go to a coffee shop and I try the coffee and I'm like, ooh, this is really good. I'm going to come here tomorrow. You know if I'm traveling by myself? And I'm trying out new coffee shops by myself. Then you know when the next day rolls around, I can go there again and I can experience that again and. It's kind of all up to me. Whereas let's say I'm traveling with somebody else and we go into the coffee shop together, and I think this coffee shop is incredible, but the person that I'm with is like, this coffee shop sucks ***. I hate my drink and we're never coming here again. This is awful. You know now. My experience and my perception of the things that I'm experiencing starts to shift right because I'm also. Experiencing the experience through the lens of who I'm with as well. And as much as that can be great, don't get me wrong. Like there are moments when. That is fun, you know, and even preferred. There are definitely moments when experiencing things with others is great, right? But. For whatever reason, like I wanna just experience things for me right now. Like just for me and. I also think that you know. Doing a bunch of things by myself. Helps me to. Number one, like form my own unique opinions. But also helps me grow confidence in them and I'll explain that like. You know, in the past. I feel like I've always been kind of a yes man, you know? So. We'll go back to the coffee shop example. If I went to a coffee shop with somebody. And I loved it. And they hated it. You know, I was always kind of the type of person that would be like, oh, I think this coffee shop's pretty good. And then somebody else would be like, oh, I think it's terrible. And I'd be like, yeah, well, you know, it's not the best. I think it's kind of. It's not that good. I mean, I don't. I didn't mean what I said. You know what I mean? I used to be like that. Because I was constantly just trying to mediate every situation that I was in. And like make in, just like, be agreeable. You know what I mean? And I never really had time to, like, develop my own opinions because I was too busy just like, agreeing with everybody. But spending time on myself is like allowing me to create and develop and form my own opinions on things and experiences and really, like, solidify the way that I look at things. And I know that that sounds kind of weirdly abstract. But. I think it's been really good for me and I've noticed that now, you know, when I have conversations with people. I'm less likely to adapt my answer to their opinion. You know, because I've grown a certain level of confidence in certainty in my opinions on things, because I've spent so much time alone that I've had time to form those opinions, think them through. And then. Have a conversation about them with somebody and stand my ground more. And I I mean I don't know if I'm kind of reaching here and this is all just making sense and only my brain, but that's been really great for me and. The last point I'll make about this is that I think that spending time alone is similar to. Getting adjusted to running. I will explain. So people who are. Really good at running and they enjoy running. Always say that you know the first few months when you start running. It is brutal. It is painful, it is uncomfortable, it is awful. You hate it and you never want to do it again. But then one day it clicks. And you fall in love with it and you're like, wow, I love this. You know, you start to get a runners high when you run. You start to look forward to it. You start to get excited about it. And it becomes. The highlight of your day. Whereas before it used to be the worst part of your day. It is the exact same thing with spending time alone and. What's so funny about it is it's like it's so true. It's such a perfect. Comparison, because when you first start spending time alone, you know your mind won't know what to do with itself. You're going to feel bored a lot. You're going to feel under stimulated a lot. You're going to start having anxious thoughts a lot more. You might start beating yourself up in a way and like over analyzing yourself and all this negative **** right? But then. If you do it long enough and you push through the uncomfortable parts, you'll actually learn to really love and appreciate it. But you just have to do The Dirty work. You have to push through the uncomfortable parts of it, and then you'll learn to really appreciate it and. Once you learn to appreciate. Being by yourself. Your friendships will be better, your relationships will be better, everything will improve as a result, and that's just what I'm noticing right now, but for some reason. I'm not really like, in a place where I'm finding a lot of balance. I'm kind of in a place where I'm like, I actually really need to be alone for like a month straight. And I don't know why that is. I think part of it is that I honestly, this is so weird and I've never said this in my entire life, but for the first time in my life, like, I'm genuinely just craving silence. Like complete silence. I've never felt like that before. I've always loved. Talking and. Constantly talking. To people or, you know, listening to people talk on podcasts or listening to music or I always have enjoyed noise. OK, but. Recently, like I just want silence. Like I. Wanna just get in my car and drive to the grocery store with no music? Like that's what I want to do and I want to go for a walk and listen to birds like I. Just want ******* silence. I don't want anyone to call me on the phone. I don't want anybody to text me. I don't want to speak to anybody. That I know, I just kind of want to be completely. Alone. And I don't know why that is, but I'm just kind of going to follow that gut instinct. Because if that's what I need, then that's what I need. Part of me wonders if. That's a good thing, you know, like. As much as. Independence is important, you know. It definitely can be taken too far. Part of me wonders. You know, am I? Taking it too far like. Is my desire to literally not speak to anybody for a month like, toxic? I don't know. But for whatever reason, like it's what I need and so I I'm just not gonna fight it. But to touch on the overarching topic. Of that ramp. That probably didn't make sense. Per usual, you know? I don't even know what I say when I press record on my recorder at home. I like black out and I don't know what I'm saying. I don't. I literally don't know what I'm saying until I listen back to it, if I decide to listen back to it. Which I usually don't anymore, actually, because again, as I just said, I'm craving silence, so I don't wanna ******* hear my voice. That's the last thing I want to hear, to touch on the overarching topic. Which is the question whether or not. I deserve pity. And whether or not I'm a lonely ***** ** **** the answer is I. Want this right now like I want to be by myself. This is what I'm craving. And. Like that's just what it is. Like it it, you know, like. I'm not lonely. Like, this is all my choice. You know what I'm saying? I'm choosing to be by myself. I'm choosing to do these things by myself. And I'm sprinkling in, you know, moments of quality time with people that I love. Which I just choose to do privately because I prefer to do that. And then that's it. And I think that the moral of the story is, you know, like. If you're a really independent person, or if you're in a phase right now where you're really craving alone time. Don't let the outside noise of people saying, Oh well, that's so sad. Ohh, that's so pitiful that you're being by yourself right now. That's so bad and sad. You need friends. Don't let people saying stuff like that. Make you feel like your desire to spend time alone. Is in some way wrong or ****** ** or, like bad? Because it's not bad. You know, if the only time it's bad is if it's not voluntary, you know what I mean? Like, if you're really lonely and you need somebody and you need a support system and you don't have that, that's different. Like that's that is. Unfortunate and sad and. You know. It's moments like that when people need to step in and like, help out and be there for you. Like, absolutely. But if you're voluntarily? Kind of being a loner for a second and that's what you wanna do. Don't let anybody tell you that there's something wrong with that, because for whatever the **** reason like. People think that, you know, being independent is like a negative thing, and it that it that it's like emo or something. It's not ******* emo. Sometimes it's just necessary for growth or for, you know, recharging yourself. And there's nothing wrong with that. You know you can be alone without being lonely. And. It's more than possible, for one. And for two, it's usually a very healthy thing, as long as there's still. In element of balance. So the moral of that how many times am I gonna it's like a ******* inception of moral of the story. It's like I keep being like, so the moral of that story is OK, so the moral of that story is. Listen. Bear with me, OK, but the moral of that story is is that? I am not lonely, and not everybody who likes to spend a lot of time alone is lonely. It's important to know that. That possibility exists. We're talking about Macy's again. My favorite one stop shop is such a beloved friend to anything goes. Macy's is the best because it really has something for everyone in every occasion. Whether it's clothes, HomeGoods, cooking Ware, whatever it may be, Macy's has something for you in the spirit of everybody having their own individual Macy's shopping experience. They're making us feel like true VIP's for the next couple of weeks because Macy's VIP sale has arrived just in time to get everything you need to cozy up this fall. From September 23rd to October 3rd, get 30% off regular sale and clearance items plus. 15% off beauty. And again, outside of beauty, that's 30% off. Pretty much everything from clothing, shoes and handbags to home decor and appliances. It's happening at Macy's. You want to know what I'm going to get? I'm going to get scarves because I really want to have a scarf. I live in California. It's only cold for like 3 months here, and it's not even that cold. Like it never snows, but I need to be leaning into the winter. Entire this year, because last year I wasn't going hard enough. So I will be picking up a few things from Macy's if you need to get some stuff for fallcheckoutmacys.com, that's macys.com. You'll find what you need. I can guarantee you that. What does it really take to make in New York City when you're young? The come up is a new freeform docu reality series on Hulu. It follows 6 ambitious creative 20 somethings in NYC as they break the status quo and take up all the space. It's a real look into how this next generation of icons are breathing life back into the downtown scene, all while pursuing their dreams, which is a long way of saying they're killing it. The show follows Sophia, a breakthrough photographer who shot her first spread for nylon at just 13 and has been shooting major campaigns ever since. Fernando Modeling's next international star, Tawfiq, the youngest fashion designer to show at New York Fashion Week, Claude, a New York native and aspiring actress. Ben arising, entertainer from Texas and a newbie to New York City, and Ebon, a trans rights activist and fixture of New York underground nightlife. This is now or never. With big goals and even bigger ceilings to break through, they'll need to bust their ***** to chase their dreams. It's time to hustle free forms the come up new episodes Wednesdays on Hulu. So. The other thing that I found about doing things by yourself is that for some reason. It opens you up in a new way. To bond with strangers. I'll give an example. So when I was in New York. A few weeks ago. I needed to mail something at The UPS Store. If you don't have UPS stores near you, it's basically a Postal Service. It's like where you go to mail packages and stuff, whatever. I woke up bright and early. One morning at like 6 in the morning. I went online, I saw that The UPS Store opened at 8. And so I lugged. My package. All the way to this UPS store. Got there. At 8:05 they opened at 8. I got there at 8:05. And. The door was locked and I was like, ****. And I'm standing in the middle of the street right now and. I'm by myself and. I don't know if this place is closed all day or if maybe the. Employee that's opening the store that day is late. Like I don't know what's going on. So I decided I would wait there for a bit, and as I'm waiting, this random dude comes up holding a package as well and he was like, are you waiting for The UPS Store? And I said yes. So I tell this dude I'm like, I don't know where they are. Like, you know, I've been waiting here for a few minutes. Nobody's showing up. I'm. Really confused. And he was like, well, it's, you know, it's Memorial Day. But I I called their corporate office and they said that they would be open and like, this is so weird. Like, what should we do? Should we go walk to another place, like to another UPS store? What do we do? As we're having this conversation, another dude walks up with a package and he's like, you guys. What's going on? And we're like the store is not opening like whatever, like and then you know, ultimately the three of us decided that we were going to call. Again. We're going to call the corporate office again. To see if this store location was opening today. And. We're all standing there carrying these big boxes, like, uncomfortable and like, whatever. And we call. The corporate office. And they're like, Oh yeah, they they should be coming like. The employee opening the store is just running late, so sorry. You know how you know how the subway works? Which I should have responded and been like, actually, I genuinely don't know how the subway works, but that's beside the point. And they were basically like, you know, he should be arriving any minute now to open the store. Just wait patiently if you can. And so we were like, alright, so. Me and these two strangers. Waited outside of this UPS store together for 5 minutes. Had a beautiful conversation. That we never would have had otherwise if I would have been standing outside of that UPS store with a friend. Respectfully, I would have not spoken to those other people just because I would have by default. I would have resorted to speaking to my friend who I was with, and I probably would have paid a lot less of mind to the strangers waiting with me naturally. And and you know, there's nothing wrong with that, I don't think, but. That's just what would have happened, you know? But because the three of us were all by ourselves, we ended up. Having a really fun conversation and then more people kept showing up to The UPS Store. After 5 minutes, they're like. By the time that the store actually opened, there were ten people outside of this UPS store waiting for the store to open, and we all ended up having a conversation we were talking about. The differences between LA and New York and like which one we think is better and you know having this whole conversation and. It was actually really fun and kind of wholesome, and it was really special to see how 10 strangers could all find a way to. Conversate with one another. In a moment of boredom, you know, and like, that's something that was only really possible because I feel like we were all by ourselves, you know what I mean? We all showed up to this UPS store by ourselves. We're kind of in a vulnerable state here. And. It forced us all to bond in a way that we wouldn't have otherwise. And that's something that happens a lot when you go out and go on adventures by yourself. You end up having experiences with strangers that you wouldn't otherwise. You know, it might even be a short conversation with the barista in a coffee shop or the cashier at the grocery store or. Some random person you know sitting near you at a restaurant that's also eating by themselves. Like you end up having these conversations in social interactions that you just wouldn't otherwise and. And obviously going out and exploring with friends. Can be extremely fulfilling and exciting and fun and even. Social to a certain extent, like sometimes you and your friends might. Go and meet new people while you're out and about, whatever. Like that's possible, but it's not the same as when you're by yourself. And that's the other reason why I never feel. Lonely when I'm exploring and doing things out and about by myself is because. I always end up meeting people, you know, and I always. It's like the little cute, short. Wholesome conversations, that. Really? Fulfill me. Even sometimes more than. Being with my friends and not that, you know, being with friends is bad at all. It can be really fun and it's great, but there's something about. Meeting a stranger and talking to a stranger one-on-one. Even if it's just for a few short moments, that's. So. Weirdly fulfilling. You know, I can't put a finger on it, but. That's the other reason why you know. Going on adventures by yourself is never really that lonely. If you open yourself up. To having little cute combos with random people. You'll feel plenty social. OK, so if I were to host a live radio show and I could play any music I wanted, I would honestly probably have the time of my Life OK, but I'll admit I would probably end up playing. Just sad music. I don't know what it is about me, but I love sad music, OK? And so I'd probably end up playing. A lot of sad music. Specifically for the people who are listening in the car by themselves. That want to shed a tear in a good way? Well now there is a place that I or you or anyone can host a live show. Amp is the platform that allows people to come together and create live, unfiltered radio shows with whatever music or content that they love. And this is like a real show where you can have people listening live and you can pick exactly which songs to play, and you can even have fans calling in to chat while you're on air. If I had a live show, I would definitely. Have people call in and ask me for dating advice honestly, so I think I'd have to do dating advice. You know what this actually sounds like the perfect radio show. Sad music combined with dating advice, because all of the shows on AMP are run by real people. You can tell that the playlists are authentic. A playlist generated automatically just sounds different than one that an individual is controlling based on their passions and tastes. And with 10s of millions of licensed songs to choose from, everyone will find the music that appeals to them. But it's not just music. You can have a talk show, or react to news, or riff on pop culture, and that's one of the best parts about being a podcast host. You can just riff. On whatever. Excites your mind on any given day. So download AMP today in the App Store that's a amp, or ask Alexa to play amp. OK, so I've told you guys about circle before, right? Spelled CIRKUL. Circle was created for people like me, OK, who don't drink enough water every day circles basically this water bottle with over 40 flavor cartridges that makes drinking water way more tasty. The flavors cover all the bases. They have fruit, punches, iced teas. Some even have caffeine or electrolytes, but there's no sugar, there's no calories, and there's no artificial flavors. My favorite flavor is strawberry Kiwi. And my favorite thing about it is I love how the dial on the cartridge lets you choose how much flavor you get per sip. All you have to do is twist the dial to a certain number for how much flavor that you want and you're ready to go. So the cool thing about it is that you can put the cartridge on. And you can set it to whatever setting you want. So you could set it to a setting where when you take a sip of water, it just tastes like water, so there's no flavor added. But if you're in the mood to add some flavor, you can twist it a little bit. And then you have a super flavorful sip. Right now Circle is giving all of my listeners. Up to 35% off their order, plus free shipping on all orders of $15 or more. Plus, as an added bonus, we're throwing in my favorite flavor, strawberry Kiwi, for free. Just visitdrinkcircle.com/emma that's drinkcirkul.com/emma to get this limited time offer today. Again, that's drinkcircle.com/emma. Another interesting development that's happened to me recently. Because I've had a lot of alone time, OK, again. Self-inflicted alone time. I am inflicting this on myself. God bless you, OK? I have actually developed a hobby that I genuinely think is going to stick. And it's been like a long time coming, but. It's coming in hot right now and I will explain the progression of how this happened so basically. I recently became obsessed with this series on YouTube called Gourmet makes. It's basically a series where this pastry chef. Named Claire. Takes a common snack item, such as a Dorito chip or a Kit Kat bar, or a Milky Way bar, or M&M's or. Something like that and basically tries to remake it by hand and make it gourmet. So, you know, I started watching these innocently. A lot of people have watched this series on YouTube before. It's gone. Viral. A lot of people have watched it. I never watched it. I I'd seen like a few episodes, you know, a few years back, but I had never binge watched the whole situation, you know? But. That recently became my new like YouTube obsession. And the obsession grew to like an unhealthy amount. I was spending all moments in bed watching this series on YouTube. I could not stop. And then once I had watched all of them, I started watching them again. And then I went through, I went through probably for a third time, and at this point I've seen every single episode probably three or four times. And. It was getting to a point where that was kind of excessive, so I started watching. Different cooking videos that started showing up in my Explorer page because the YouTube algorithm quickly figured out that I'm. Clearly showing interest in cooking. Videos more than even normal. I've always liked cooking videos, cooking shows, but never, I've never watched them this intensely. And the YouTube algorithm was like, oh, she's going through a phase. Like, this is a phase and it is strong and we need to feed it. So, you know, the YouTube home page was giving me. All the cooking videos I could ask for and. I'm not talking about cooking videos that are like. Reality TV. Type cooking videos like I'm not talking about. You know, cooking shows that are more about the drama or like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm watching cooking videos that are, like, very instructional and, like, scientific, which is, again, something that I had never really watched before. Like videos talking about the chemical reactions that occur when you mix certain baking ingredients or certain cooking ingredients. You know, watching technical videos on how to cut vegetables properly. Like, I I. Started getting into the nitty gritty like I I'm, I'm, you know? Obviously it started with me watching this pastry chef Claire remake M&M's into gourmet M&M's, but it turned into. Me watching instructional videos on like genuinely how to cook, which I've never really watched before because I've always watched stuff that was more. For experienced chefs. And it was always stuff that I was like, I don't really know what's going on here. I'm just enjoying watching it because there's something satisfying about it. But like, I I'm never gonna actually make this **** you know? And I'm not actually even really learning much from this ****. Like, I'm just kind of. Enjoying watching the process. Or, like, you know, I used to love watching cooking competitions like that doesn't teach you anything about cooking. That's about the drama. OK, but no, I have genuinely started getting into watching instructional cooking videos and I became so obsessed with them that they were all I was watching. All I was watching, actually, to this day, they're all that I'm watching. Present day, all I'm watching is instructional cooking videos. And at first, you know, I was just watching these for fun and I was like, you know, these skills could come in handy down the line, but I probably will just continue to eat multiple tubs of hummus per day. Pre made hummus to be clear. And just like boil pasta and and put premade sauce on it, you know? And like maybe whipped together like some sort of veggie situation, that's very low maintenance Max like that, like, you know, like that's. I didn't think that. What was gonna happen next? What happened next? But with all this, you know. Self-inflicted free time. I was like. What if I did get in the kitchen a little bit? You know, I've been watching all of these instructional cooking videos just for fun. Why don't I put like some of this stuff to work and actually try to cook? Like actual restaurant level meals? Like, not. Some ********. Like not. You know, taking premade soup out of a can and putting a mint leaf on top like I'm talking about. Making **** from scratch, I'm talking about. Getting my hands dirty. It started by me making muffins. That was the first thing I made in my. Cooking journey. The muffins turned out OK. I made strawberry muffins. They were OK. They weren't really sweet enough. The texture was pretty good. The strawberries weren't really that flavorful, so that was kind of a bummer. They were mediocre, but I enjoyed the process. The next day I was like, hmm, I'm going to make like. A fun roasted vegetable of some sort like that could be fun, you know, like a fun, like a really tasty one. Making vegetables actually taste really delicious can be kind of a challenge, and I was ready for the challenge, so I made some roasted broccoli with, like, this gorgeous tahini dressing. Homemade. All of it homemade. And wow, it was so good. I used a new recipe and it was just gorgeous. And then I was like, hmm. What if I try to make some homemade sauces? Because, you know, people tend to skimp on the sauces and they tend to buy store bought sauces. But now that I'm on my chef journey, you know I'm going to make sauces from scratch. So I made this. Spicy green sauce with a bunch of French fresh herbs. And. Again, tahini, because I love tahini. If you don't know what tahini is, it's blended up. Sesame seeds don't ask me how that tastes good, but it does. It's really good. It was like a bunch of fresh herbs and tahini and lime juice and a habanero and salt and garlic, whatever. It was really delicious. And I made that, and then I've been just, like putting that on everything. And then I was like mom to make pesto and I made pesto, but it was kind of watery and not very good. And I was like, hmm, OK, I'll just put this in the fridge and I'll eat it. It's fine. The next morning I wake up and I was like, I need to turn this pesto into something. I'm going to turn it into tomato sauce. So I threw some cherry tomatoes and garlic into the oven, roasted that **** mixed it with my ****** pesto, blended it in the blender, dip my finger in it, lick my finger, and it was delicious. And I didn't follow a recipe. I just wung it. I was like, I'm just gonna add tomatoes and garlic to this and roast them. And it turned out good. No measurements, no nothing. Suddenly, I had a surge of confidence. I think I have a genuine passion for cooking, and what's funny about it is that I've always liked cooking, but for the wrong reasons. Like I've always liked cooking because I like the result at the end. Like I like eating it basically is what I'm saying. In the past, I've always liked eating what I cook, and that's why I've, you know, enjoyed the concept of cooking, but when it came down to actually cooking the thing, like putting the effort in that I've always hated. Because it takes patience. And I've never had a lot of patience for things that are time consuming. But now that I have so much self-inflicted alone time. I actually appreciate things that are kind of time consuming. You know, because I have time. To spend on these things. And so. I really want to teach myself how to cook. Like restaurant level stuff, you know? Today I made a simple appetizer, salad and. I really wanted to make it spicy like I wanted to, you know, usually like when you're eating a meal like the vegetable element or whatever is kind of the most boring part. It's just kind of. There, you know, but I was like, I want to make this really good. So I made a salad. I did butter lettuce. And I sliced up a fresh avocado perfectly green. OK, because I learned from my instructional videos that I've been watching. How to find and then? Preserve. The perfect avocado, OK. Anyway, I took butter lettuce, I did some avocado. I chopped up some dill. I chopped up some capers. I made a homemade salad dressing with lemon and Dijon mustard and wasabi and olive oil and lemon. Did I say lemon twice? Whatever, salt. Blended that up in the blender. Poured it on top of this salad, it looked like. Restaurant quality and if you don't believe me, I will put a ******* photo of this stupid salad. On the podcast Twitter so if you have a Twitter you can see the salad. The twitters at AG podcast I. I'm getting somewhere with this. The moral of this section of the episode is that. When you have all of this free time. You can really put some TLC. Into getting good at something, and a big part of getting good at something is doing research, and that's something that I've never had the patience for in the past. And that's the reason why a lot of the hobbies that I start. Kind of fall through, you know, because I I never have the energy to do the proper research like. With everything I I tend to just want to be good at it the day that I start. And unfortunately that's not really how it works, but I naturally, you know, just started watching these cooking videos. And then, you know, that evolved into watching. These instructional cooking videos. And then, you know, after spending. Probably 200 hours watching instructional cooking videos. I actually had a decent idea as to what I was doing so that I could get in the kitchen and like kind of know my way around there. But without that alone time, in that free time to like. Just surf around the Internet and see what piques my interest like I wouldn't. Have learned about. How to cook and? I wouldn't have been inspired to start and I'm so into it. Like I'm I can't stop. Like I get so excited to wake up in the morning to. Cook breakfast and then, you know, start preparing other foods for the remainder of the day. My goal is to cook restaurant quality meals for myself. For every meal. Because why not? That's the benefit of, you know, having time to yourself. I have time to Cook restaurant quality meals for myself for every meal. Because I am, not because I'm by myself a lot. You know. And I'm excited about it. Like, I'm genuinely excited about it, which is so weird. Because I've gone through phases and it's never stuck, but for some reason it's sticking right now. So I'm just going to run with it. I'm so excited. Like I get. I'm actually excited about, like, cooking stuff. The other thing about cooking that's so great and I think the reason why so many people love it and like. Get obsessed with it is because you know it's not just, like, fun. You know, in itself it's obviously the act of cooking is fun. But the other thing that is so great about it is that. You get like a tangible reward afterwards. Like you cook something, it's delicious. Now you get to eat it like, that's a ******* hoot. And then also, you know, it's impressive to cook things from scratch and then share them with your family and friends. Like, everybody's always impressed when you cook something from scratch. So obviously there's like. Clear room for bragging rights here. Its overall just great, but I wouldn't have. Taking the time. To learn about how to actually cook. Unless I had decided that, you know, everybody needed to leave me alone and that I was going to spend a lot of time by myself. Anyways, I'm done. I need to go to bed. It's like 11:00 PM and recently I've been going to bed at like. 8:30. It's past my bedtime. Sorry that this episode was kind of short. I'm not gonna lie. You know my episode getting deleted that was supposed to be for this week. Genuinely. Yeah. It just hurt me. It it hurt me. But I hope that you enjoyed this episode for what it was. And I really appreciate you guys listening to this every single week if you do. Or even just for listening to this episode. If you want to follow anything goes, you can do so on any platform that you stream podcasts. If you want to leave a review, you can do so on Apple Podcasts. I read those all the time and they make me extremely emotional. You can also follow anything goes on Twitter at AG podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you guys for supporting me. I appreciate you all and love you all very, very much and I hope you have an amazing rest of your week and I will see you next week. With an episode on time. Hopefully. And please pray for me that it does not get deleted after two hours. I love you all. Talk soon.